CAUTION: Woman In Progress

 I dreamed about Mama last night. It wasn't the first time but it felt so real. Not like most of the other dreams I've had. I don't really remember much about the other dreams but this one is still in my head so I want to get it "on paper" before I lose it, too. I ran into the SuperWalmart to pick up some groceries for my dad and myself after work and when I walked in, she was there. I remember being surprised--my dream self didn't remember/realize she was dead but remembered that she wasn't able to get around and I wondered to myself how she was there and looked so good. She already had a buggy and was in the produce section shopping. And she looked like her healthy self. When she saw me she told me to come on and we'd share a buggy. It was something we used to do back when we commuted to work together...anytime we had to stop at the store after work, we'd share a buggy if neither of us had a lot to get. So I ran over and we started walking over t

Right now I feel like I'll just never see the daylight of pure joy again. I know it's been over a year. I know I need to shake loose and someday I will. Right now, though...everything just feels so overwhelming. Before Mama passed I never really gave death too much thought. I never really considered all that I have to lose. I'd lost grandpas and an uncle before, so it's not as though I didn't have a concept of loss. And believe me, I loved those grandpas and that uncle deeply but the loss wasn't such a dramatically monumental shift. They weren't part of my daily life. They didn't shape me to my core. Losing Mama and the constancy of her in my life ripped my heart to shreds. But more than that, as I've settled into the grief it's instilled this terrible fear in me. I literally live in fear of losing my dad. Of losing Libby. Of losing my sisters. Or my nieces.  Every time my dad doesn't answer a text right away or doesn't come to the door b

So turns out, the test I took last Thursday was a false negative. On a whim I got retested the following day at a free drive-thru they were doing on campus. It, my friends, was positive. Something I found out while I was sitting in my dad's living room Saturday morning after I'd brought his groceries and breakfast. To say that I was a complete wreck is putting it mildly. My dad is fully vaxxed and boosted but I was terrified. What if his Leukemia meds affected the efficacy of the vaccine? What if he died? I'd be responsible. I spiraled  hard . He didn't seem concerned at all. He was more worried about me and making sure that I was okay. I never got sick, y'all. Just a little sinus drainage at the back of my throat and ONE DAY of a runnier than usual nose. That's why I trusted that negative test! If WBF (work best friend) hadn't wanted me to go with her to get tested at that drive-thru test cite I'd have never known I had it.  Daddy is fine, btw. He isola

 So I went yesterday for my first ever Covid test. Don't worry, it was negative. This Omicron crap ain't playing, though. So many people around me have had in the past couple weeks it's amazing that I haven't caught it yet.  I got a little concerned, though, when my nose was a little runnier than usual and my throat was a little scratchy. It felt like sinus drainage but Omicron, they say, mimics common cold and sinus issues. I tried SO MANY places to find a convenient test and ended up at urgent care and waited for nearly five hours.  When the nurse finally took me to the back she had to do the whole "family history" routine because you apparently don't just get tested and go about your way. They give you a whole office visit with vitals, family history, the full nine yards. When she was going through the family  history questions she asked, "Does your mom have a history of ____" and I stared blankly at her for heartbeat, a little stunned. I didn

We survived our first Christmas without Mama. It was both beautiful and devastating. And now a new year is here and while it's still so hard figuring out life right now, I'm seeing some light in the darkness.

Before Mama retired, we used to have lunch together in the staff lounge nearly every day. For some reason it always seemed to take her longer to heat her lunch up than it did me so, more often than not, I'd typically be seated at the table before her. She had this habit of kinda strumming her finger tips on the top of my head or along my back as she passed behind me. It used to kinda low key bug me because I'm not much of a "casual toucher", if that makes any sense. But just now, as I walked past an empty chair I strummed my fingertips along the top of it's back--no real thought to it, just a mindless little motion in a day filled with mindless nonsense. The impact of that one simple act was like a kick in the gut. Suddenly the memories of all those times Mama did that to me flooded through my mind and I can't help but WISH she would do that to me one more time. That she was HERE to do that no matter how much it once annoyed me.  I feel sometimes as though my