Never Giving Up

I'm dragging out my broken record and letting it play. Again. Which broken record is that, you ask? The dreaded weight loss one. Remember the Christmas Day photos of me? If you don't, I'm sure not linking to them because it took every ounce of courage I had to post them in the first place. So why did I? Because I'm all into not hiding who I really am. Not here, anyway. Not with ya'll. And also because I'm all about overshare. With ya'll, at least. Mostly because ya'll are the only ones who listen.

Anyway, I've been thinking about this blog post for a while. The "I'm back to trying to lose weight" post. I've held off on it because I know it's an eyeroll worthy subject and frankly I get tired of my own broken records so I know for sure ya'll do, too.

So I wasn't going to announce my "trying again" status. I was going to just work quietly in the background and if things worked out this time I'd surprise ya'll with a "Look at me! I did it!" post. Not that I think that will ever happen. The "I did it!" part. Because a woman can only try so many times before she stops believing things will ever change.

But in mulling over the whole "post or not to post" thing I realized: doesn't matter how busted up that record gets, I'm never gonna stop playing it because to do so would mean I'd given up. And I'm not going to do that. I may never reach any sort of weight loss goals and I may die fat (and young!) but it won't be because I gave up and stopped trying. I'll try until my dying breath. Which may be next week because I've been hit while crossing the street on my way to the vending machine in the building across from the library. (Dying to get to a vending machine:The real truth about dying from obesity!)

The sad truth is, those Christmas Day photos have a two fold crossing each other out effect: They make me determined to lose weight but they also make me depressed. And depression makes me want to eat to feel better. A disgustingly vicious cycle.

For the past two weeks, though, I've been tugging a war with myself. Back and forth, up and down. Fortunately for now, there've been more ups than down and more forths than backs. I'm not doing great, but I'm not sucking either.

So, in interest of full disclosure, here's the plan:

**Continue drinking Special K protein shakes for breakfast and lunch, a small low calorie snack such as almonds and/or fruit for mid morning snack, a small serving of fruit and or nuts with my lunch shake and a small snack (can be healthy or junky like chips--no saying no to me!) mid-afternoon and a sensible lowish calorie supper. Maybe a small snack or a cup of coffee with half and half after supper.

Since I've officially eaten the last peanut cluster and all the Christmas treats junk in my house is now completely gone, the after supper snacking should be mostly gone. That's a great thing.  Because if it's there, I'm gonna eat it. Just a fact. Willpower? Never heard of it.

Now, just to clarify about the Special K shakes--those are mostly to help with my digestive issues. Them being low calorie? Just an extra special benefit. I like that they taste good (much better than Slimfast), they're easy (though not cheap) and they keep my acid reflux from getting out of hand like it did over Christmas break. I don't have to think about what I'm going to eat for those two meals or plan ahead. I just grab and go. And I add almonds and/or fruit to my lunch shake to give me the act of chewing and that extra bit of fiber and protein to tide me over if I want to skip an afternoon snack.

**I've resumed my afternoon walk-a-thons with Denise and Leslie. Right now I'm doing the 15 minute easy walk with Denise because I'd gotten really out of shape and need to ease myself into it. Also, I realized that if I started out like gangbusters expecting to do the hard stuff right out of the gate, I'd burn out really quickly. So the easy walk's second benefit is to help me just get into the habit of getting my yoga pants and New Balance on when I get home from work.

I read somewhere once that it takes thirty days to begin a new habit. I don't know that I'll do the easy walk for an entire thirty days, but I'm committed to not pushing myself before I'm ready. I'm not going to do anything just because I should. No have to's or shoulds for me!

Eventually I will increase the walks, adding in the interval walk or switching it up to Leslie's kick boxing walk. My main goal is to be able to do the three fast miles walk that's on the "belly busting" DVD I bought months ago. I've just got to build up my endurace and stick to the habit first.

**I'm taking it at my own pace and reminding myself daily that this is a one day at a time endeavor and that even if I get discouraged and quit for a while I'm never giving up. Not entirely and never forever. Even if I never lose another pound or finish that three fast miles walk, I'm never giving up.

**My motivation? I'm following Krissie and Crusie over at their Re-Fab blog. They've dedicated a year to making positive changes in their lives. I want in on that!

Mostly, though, I don't want TLC to ever do a special documentary on the 600lb library senior associate blogger. The commercials for those type documentaries scare the ever lovin' crap outta me.