CAUTION: Woman In Progress

~I have been actively praying for a "snow day" for the past two months. Mother nature keeps teasing me and then at the last minute, laughs as she says no. I guess I need to just suck it up and take a couple of personal days if I want to be off work. ;-) ~I tried a new church yesterday. It was the first time in my entire life that I've visited a church where I knew no one and took no one I'm related to with me. It was scary and I almost threw up on the way  there. And while I was not impressed with this church and will not go back, I'm glad I stepped out in obedience and tried it. I have a few more churches on my list of ones to visit and I'm really praying one of them is the right fit. ~I went shoe shopping after church and came home with a scarf that was on sale for $2.99. No shoes. Apparently they no longer make athletic shoes that aren't neon or stuffed with memory foam. Don't get me wrong. The whole memory foam thing sounds like a dream but  ha...

So. Fun fact filed under Strange But True: If you do a search for Jana Hill on YouTube you may discover that there is a little video of me singing at my granddad's funeral. I'm not sharing the video here in case the share can be traced to this blog. haha (Paranoia for 100, Alex!) My uncle snuck around and recorded me and then posted it on YouTube and I don't really want him finding my little oasis of TMI. I'm slightly mortified that I was even recorded...especially since I can't stand to  hear myself sing in recordings. Mama recorded me singing a solo at church for Christmas and I banned her from playing it in my presence. But. You know. If you're into curiosity, I thought I would give ya'll this little nugget of my mortification to seek out if you should choose to do so. If you're not into curiosity, then, GOOD. Save yourself the earworm. ;-)

I had a really satisfying weekend which made up for all the crap and grief I wallowed in last week. The grief is still there but it's no longer the front and center of my heart. I put it behind me like he but me behind him. I'm really happy with the way I've evolved in my feelings about Valentine's Day. I went from hating it to barely tolerating it to claiming it now to now just a tad bit of indifference toward the whole romantic notion part of it. I've reimagined my thinking and instead of bemoaning a romance-less existence, I see it as an opportunity to lavish my loved ones. I made cake batter truffles for the kids, my parents and Granny. I soaked cherries in rum before dipping them in chocolate for Daddy. I baked heart shaped cookies for a co-worker, her niece and sister. I baked blueberry scones for E and A. I bought myself a big box of chocolates and cooked myself a steak (it was marked down) with potatoes and sautéed mushrooms. I also worked for three hour...

The visitation and funeral was hard. But not the way you'd expect the funeral of a granddad to be. Line after line of people passed by during the visitation. Each one stopping to express their condolences and offer up a story of why he meant so much to them. He was so encouraging and supportive and he loved them so much. And with each word my heart broke a little bit more. Anger and resentment building. Which in a way, I suppose was a good thing, because it meant I didn't cry when I sang. Didn't even feel the urge. In fact, I didn't cry at all except during the eulogy while the preacher was handing down examples of how great a man he was, how strong his faith was and how much he'd done for so many in the community. The tears were from heartbreak, yes, but the heartbreak was because I couldn't help but wonder where this wonderful, kind and generous man was when it came to his son and three granddaughters? Where was that support and that love that he poured in...

Paw-Paw Hill passed away around 1am this morning.  I was wrong. I do feel his absence. 

The decision was made today to remove Paw-Paw from oxygen. I did not go back to the hospital today, leaving the decision making to his wife and children. A decision that we are all at peace with, but one that I'm sure was difficult, to put it mildly.  Throughout all this, I have felt God's presence so strongly. From the time I got the first notification, I can see and feel His hand in everything. And even though there has been such a roller coaster of emotion, I can feel Him at work, bringing us all peace, comfort and guidance. 

Paw-Paw Hill is still clinging to life, tho the grip is slipping. We spent most of the day at the hospital and he came close to slipping away three times. The nurse finally switched oxygen masks and gave him a stronger pain shot to relax him is that he didn't struggle so hard to breathe. His oxygen levels evened out and his heart rate proved.  His bloodpressure is still rising, though and hid kidneys are still not producing much. The inevitable has been delayed but the reality is, he will not be with us much longer.  I'm glad I went today. I feel a peace about it all that I didn't feel yesterday and I wouldn't have ever felt if I hadn't gone. I said my goodbye and I told him I love him. Despited how complex that love might be, it is the truth. 

I probably shouldn't write this post. But I'm going to because I need to get it all out of me before he slips away. Daddy's biological father left when Daddy was four years old. And when I say "left" I mean, he basically just disappeared from their lives. Nobody knows where he went or what he did. All they knew was that he was just gone. He didn't resurface in my dad's life until Daddy was about 14, from what I've gathered. Daddy was a bitter and angry teenager and wanted nothing to do with the father who'd abandoned him. From what I gather, it wasn't until my parents married that Daddy finally relented to letting his dad back into his life. I grew up with him in my life. Having three granddads, we always distinguished them by their last names, except for Daddy's stepdad, Paw-Paw Joe. His bio dad is Paw-Paw Hill. When I was a really little girl, he and his third (or 4th? or 5th? nobody knows) wife, Daisy, lived around the corner from ...

Ya'll want to know what I did this weekend? I DID NOTHING. Okay, that's not entirely true. I watched 3 hours of season one of The Originals, washed dishes, did laundry, read a book, ignored my phone, got mad at a family member, didn't go to church, watched a DVD and started a six week stint on the Slimfast/Special K plan. Even though I felt like crap all weekend (dizziness, headachy, acid reflux-y, etc) I got all my laundry done and actually PUT AWAY...something I haven't done in about a month. I've been digging clothes out of the laundry basket (of clean clothes, btw) for a while now. But this weekend I got the backlog put away AND all the fresh laundry put away. The sense of accomplishment was amazing. I'm trying to dig myself out of this funk I've been in AND keep my body moving as much as possible to aid in whatever weightloss/health benefits such movement might afford. But that's me and my hermit weekend. Hope everyone else managed it well...