CAUTION: Woman In Progress

Oh the inhumanity that is being poor. June is going to be a wicked month for buying books. There's new releases by several of my favorite authors. The newest Melissa Senate, Questions to Ask Before Marrying , the newest "Real Vampires" novel from Gerry Bartlett, Real Vampires Get Lucky , I think there's even a new Judy Baer coming out in June. It's just SO hard to try and decide which one to buy this month and which one to buy later. Gone are the days when I can buy whichever ones I want. *sigh* Of course, I think I took the decision out of my own hands when I got so excited when I saw that Real Vampires Get Lucky was available for pre-order and Amazon and went ahead and ordered it. My bad. hehehehe I just couldn't stand the wait, though. I love Glory St. Claire and Gerry's spin on vampires. Vampire comedy, I think she calls it. I love it. Right now I'm in the midst of reading Maggie Shayne's Lover's Bite . It's slow going not because it ...

Or at least it felt that way Saturday. You know, it sucks, too because every weekend for the past two months has just been great. Well, when it wasn't raining, it was great. Nice and warm but not hot. Breezy. Low humidity. The weekend I have to move? The humidity is so thick you can feel it coating your skin like a cloak of death. Yuck! And it was hot. No breezy here, thankyouverymuch. But despite the miserable humidity, move I did. It took three loads of an enclosed trailer, two pick-ups and the folded down back of my sister's Expedition AND my mother's car (and mine for one trip) but we finally got me moved into my new apartment. Well, mostly moved. There are still some odds and ends left at the house that I have to go get. Hopefully it won't take too long and more than a couple of trips to get it to the apartment. Then I have to clean the house for the landlord's inspection. That shouldn't take too long, though, since it's basically clean anyway. Vacuum, ...

No, I'm not resorting to recreational drugs. I literally cracked my head last night. At least it felt cracked. It's really just a perty little goose egg on the center of my forehead. And actually, it's not even really all that noticeable...until I forget about it and go to rub my head or, as happened last night when I went to bed, throw my arm over my eyes and smack the devil out of the bruise. *sigh* I blame the devil pup. If she hadn't crawled under the table to chew whatever it was she was chewing, I wouldn't have smacked my head on the corner of back of that dining chair. LOL Gosh, I felt so stupid though. I mean, honestly, did I think the chair was going to jump out of the way when I lunged for it? Or has my sense of depth perception really gotten that off cause I swear I thought I was nowhere near that chair when I rushed downwards to try and steal whatever it was she was chewing on during the brief second she spit it out. Or course, she scored. While I was tr...

No, I'm not talkin' 'bout the M. Night Shamaylan movie. I'm talkin' 'bout life, ya'll. Life as in, finding indications that God is still with me and in every move down this path of my life and everything that is in it. You know, I seek signs from God everywhere and in everything. I'm always on the lookout for Him. I know He's there but I seem to always be seeking Him. Sometimes, when I least expect it, He gives me the little signs I seek. Yesterday Mama and I took off work to go work on the apartment. You know, usually when you move into an apartment it's supposed to already be clean. The lease says so. My apartment, however, wasn't. It was a filthy disgusting mess. Something I didn't notice until AFTER I'd signed the lease and turned over most of my life savings for deposit and first month's rent. That's one of the hazards of viewing an apartment when the electricity has been shut off, the owner is following you around and yo...

Oy vey, this weekend has just been an emotional roller coaster. I hate being the way I am. A weepy, unsettled mess. It isn't any wonder that I'm not married. Who'd want to put up with me? lol This whole moving thing has been harder than I thought it would be. As ready as I was to get out of that hole, it's just been very emotional. Not just the whole stress of moving, worrying about money, etc, but leaving the actual house, property, etc. It hasn't been an easy life, living there, by any means. But there were a lot a good things I loved about it. A lot of pluses that probably kept me there a lot longer than I should have stayed. And there were a lot of memories in that house. For all the things that were wrong with it, it was my home. My haven. And my heart is taking a toll at the thought of leaving it behind. It's seven years worth of home I'm leaving. I swear, I wasn't this emotional when I left my parents house! lol But it's just been such a mess....

So I signed the lease on the apartment last night. Handed over most of my life savings in deposit and first month's rent. I nearly threw up. *sigh* Then my mom and I went and got my sister and went to look at it again. It's really funny the things to you don't notice at first. Especially when you've got the property owner following you around. The fridge is a disaster. The oven is ancient. Very little about the place looked the way I remembered it. *sigh* Needless to say, when I got home last night I was in a dither about it all. Regretful, near tears. And then landlord called to say I'd stiffed him $40. lol He'd asked for cash and two twenties got stuck in the envelope I'd had it in and I didn't notice it. So I've got to get him that. But while I was on the phone with him I asked him about the fridge. He said he'd either repair or replace it. I'm seriously hoping he replaces it. I did okay after I talked to him. Went about making the sausage...

I'm a worrier by nature. No, I'm worse. I'm a suspicious worrier. I don't trust many people, especially people I don't know. I'm always on the look out to be screwed over. That's why I'm hedging on turning over a signed lease to the man who might become my landlord. He wanted me to meet him on my lunch hour to take care of the lease and deposit on the duplex I'd be renting from him and then he didn't show. So now I've got a knot in my stomach, a bad taste in my mouth and a butt load of suspicion. You know, generally people try to be where they say they'll be when there's a chunk of money involved. Now I'm worried that I'm making the wrong choice. That this place isn't MY place. The place the Father has for me. I'm always looking for "signs" when I have big decisions to make. Which is good because it means I'm always seeking His will. But is bad because I haven't yet learned what are signs from Him and...

So I'm going this afternoon to put an application in at a properties management office. The same one that owns the duplex's where my sister moved to. They're not fancy but they're nice, clean and Sis2 says the neighborhood is quiet. It's a little pricier than I'd like to pay for rent---especially since they charge an extra $20 a month for pets--but I think it'll be worth it. I know it will. I am not guaranteed an apartment right away but they said there is a possibility of an opening later this month. And if that doesn't pan out, they've got some coming available at the end of June. I'd rather move at the end of this month than in the heat of June but I'll take what I can get. And if this doesn't work out at all, I'll be okay with it. I KNOW there's a place for me. Someplace just right. I just have to be patient and keep the faith. I know in my heart that the Lord is telling me to move. If He's telling me to move, He's go...

Seems that's the name of the game, these days. I'm in turmoil because for once I desperately want some things to change in my life and they don't seem to be changing the way I want them to (or as quickly as I'd like). And there are things I want to do but I don't know how or am not equipped to do them. I want to simplify my life so badly but in the simplification, things are becoming so much more complicated. It's driving me nuts! You know, I don't ask for a lot out of life. I have my family who I love, a dog I adore and enough friends to keep me from being terribly lonely. All I require after that is food on the table, clothes on my back and a sufficient roof over my head. And maybe a little less worry. That's the biggy. I'd love to not have to worry. Worry about money, worry about my family's various situations. Worry that I'm not doing all that I'm supposed to. I think that's the biggest worry. I mean, I know from past experience t...

It's scary times in Janaland these days. I'm fearful and fretful about a few things that I'm facing. Not really knowing how to tackle them has been very hard on me. I can't eat, I can't sleep. My every thought is consumed with worry. So I'm clinging to a verse He showed to me last week. "I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4 It's this truth alone that's keeping me from completely falling apart. Without Him, I'd be a total wreck right now. Well, more so than I already am, at the moment. As I said--I can't eat and can't sleep and you know if Jana ain't eatin' it's gotta be bad. At least, bad to my mind. And He's delivering me, I know it. I just have to be trusting and patient to wait for the moment when it happens. He knows, better than me, what road best lays ahead for me. I feel like I'm searching in all the wrong places and He's just WAITING for me to open my...

So I spent three days and two nights with my folks this weekend. Why? Well, there was a mouse in my house, of course. Or mice. As it turns out there were two. Or, at least that's how many wandered onto the traps I'd set. I no likie the little rodents (deathly phobic about them, actually) so I got the hell out of Dodge. And you know, since I'm deathly phobic about them, I worried and prayed and near about made myself sick thinking about it. The fact that I'd been cohabitating with one of the three things I just can NOT stand to think about cohabitating with (snakes and whiney men being the other two) nearly drove me crazy. Still does, to a point. Especially after last night when I finally made myself go home and cleaned up the place. My dad had been by Saturday to check the traps and he's the one who had the honor of removing them from my home. But I had to clean up the aftermath. You know, mice aren't discriminate about where they defecate or urinate. Ugh!! Anyw...