Signs

No, I'm not talkin' 'bout the M. Night Shamaylan movie. I'm talkin' 'bout life, ya'll. Life as in, finding indications that God is still with me and in every move down this path of my life and everything that is in it. You know, I seek signs from God everywhere and in everything. I'm always on the lookout for Him. I know He's there but I seem to always be seeking Him. Sometimes, when I least expect it, He gives me the little signs I seek.

Yesterday Mama and I took off work to go work on the apartment. You know, usually when you move into an apartment it's supposed to already be clean. The lease says so. My apartment, however, wasn't. It was a filthy disgusting mess. Something I didn't notice until AFTER I'd signed the lease and turned over most of my life savings for deposit and first month's rent. That's one of the hazards of viewing an apartment when the electricity has been shut off, the owner is following you around and you're already running late.

Last week I was heartsick about it. Wondering if I'd made a mistake, gone against the Lord's wishes and jumped the gun, so to speak. I was bordering on depression again. To make me feel better, Mama offered her assistance and we bought cleaning supplies, rolled up our sleeves and cleaned till the place sparkled and we were give out. It was while I was dusting shelves that I came across a little folded up square of paper shoved to the back of the top shelf. I pulled it out and was blessed. On the paper was handwritten lyrics to one of my favorite praise and worship songs.

Lord, you are more precious than silver.
Lord, you are more costly than gold.
Lord, you are more beautiful than diamonds.
There is nothing I desire compares with you.

I know it probably sounds hokey to believe this way--to non-believers especially--but I felt like He left me that message. It was His way of saying, "It's okay. You're okay. It's going to be fine. Just trust me. All this is just earthly junk but I have something wonderful for you if you just be patient and wait on me."

Needless to say, Mama and I had a little impromptu concert while singing those lyrics and praising Him for His wonderful graciousness. It was the best part of the day. I hung onto those hand written lyrics and will probably take Mama's suggestion and frame them. Maybe hang them somewhere near the entrance so that each morning when I leave for work or each evening when I come home I'll see His awesomeness and be reminded that nothing I desire or could ever hope to achieve will ever compare to the most beautiful and precious Savior.

While I still dread the whole process of moving (I'm already worn slap out!) I am no longer dreading this transition. I'm taking Him at His word, trusting fully that no matter what happens from here on out, He'll provide for me and take care of me and my little Libster.

Then this morning when I came in to work, I was reading through various comments left to me on the subject of my last post. Specifically the comments aimed at my statements on marriage, men and my thoughts on why I'm alone. You know, I don't talk about those feelings outside of this blog and my diary at home. I hate being that vulnerable with the people I surround myself with. I don't fully trust even my closest friends and relatives with such a deeply personal emotion. In my experience, those kinds of confession leave you vulnerable to attack at a later date.

With this blog (blogger, myspace, 360--all the same) I know that the people who would comment on my feelings would never belittle me for them and are always so supportive. Even friends that I don't get to talk with as much as I used to. But you know, no matter how many of you tell me that there's nothing wrong with me and it's God's own time, and I just have to trust in Him, that I have to put myself out there, even, I hear what you're saying and love you for saying it but my head keeps saying, "But they're wrong. There IS something wrong with me. It has to be. There is no other explanation."

I got this on email this morning from Sis1.

God, Could You Please Hurry?
Amy Carroll

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men;
yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”
Ecclesiastes 3: 11 (NIV)

Devotion:
Those of us that have lived in rural areas know that tractors on the road are a fact of life. However, just because they are a fact of life doesn’t make them any less irritating if you’re in a hurry! I followed a tractor down one of our narrow two-lane roads recently. At one point I completely lost my patience for its pace and started yelling (unheard—thank goodness), “Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!” It didn’t speed up the tractor at all.

How many times have I approached God’s timing the same way? And it never hurries Him up either.

I admit God often does not operate at a pace that pleases me, and I want Him to hurry, hurry, hurry! I’m thinking Sarah, Abraham’s wife, felt the same way. After waiting 10 years for a baby that God had promised Abraham (read Genesis 12-21 for the complete story), Sarah decided to “help” God. Surely 10 years was too long for anybody to wait. So Sarah gave her maidservant Hagar to her husband, and the two of them had a child. Soon the two women were at odds. Talk about a soap-opera! Finally, fifteen years later, the child promised by God to Abraham and Sarah was born. God was not late. His timing was perfect. It was Sarah who was in a hurry and rushing things, but she found out that there was a price to pay for manipulating her circumstances.

I know Sarah and I are not alone in our desire for God to hurry up. I once heard it said that we are people with gods on our wrists.

In Isaiah 55:9, God says, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (NIV) God’s timing is part of His ways. I may be tapping my watch, but He is never late. He may seem slow, but He is always right on time.

Has God made a promise to you that is slow in coming? Has He planted a dream in your heart that has yet to come to fruition? Don’t give up hope! God is faithful, and you can rely on His perfect timing. Fix your eyes on Him and enjoy the journey to your destination. There are things to be learned along the way that will enhance the joy of a promise fulfilled.

Dear Lord, sometimes I don’t understand your timing. It’s often very hard to wait, but I trust You. I want to rely on Your ways and Your timing. Help me to learn what I need to learn as I wait. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Now, I don't know which dream He's speaking of. I have several that are weighing on me right now. The whole marriage thing, owning/living in a lovely and comfortable home, enjoying life more or whatever else I've been praying to Him about. Maybe He's speaking of all these things. I don't know. But the message is clear. Wait on Him. His dreams are bigger than anything I could come up with on my own and He alone knows what's truly good and right for me. I simply have to be patient. Stop nagging Him to hurry. Learn what it is He wants me to learn.

It shouldn't amaze me when these things happen. When an email comes that seems to be speaking right to me, or the preacher preaches on just what I've been speaking to God about, or as the lyrics I found, He sends me something completely out of left field. No, these things shouldn't amaze me at all. Especially since I'm always seeking them. But they do. It's like the light dawns and I stand in amazement thinking, "Holy wow, I didn't see that coming."

Now that He's told me upfront that He's still with me as I meander down this path, I just ask that ya'll pray with me. I don't know what lies ahead. Things could get bad before they get better as usually happens when you're seeking wonderful things (especially when these things draw you closer to God) but if ya'll pray with me I know there is nothing the deceiver can throw at me that the Father can't beat if I just stick with Him.