CAUTION: Woman In Progress

I don't think anyone has ever really known just how dark and lonely and utterly broken I've felt throughout my life. I slap on a happy smile, toss out a quick joke and occasionally get in a bad mood but I've never talked to anyone about the darkness or the just how unloved and unlovable I have felt throughout my life. Partly because I was ashamed that I felt that way. I didn't want anyone to ever know just how badly I wanted a husband or just how broken hearted I was that I didn't have that baby and that perfect family life I wanted. I didn't want anyone to ever realize how truly alone I felt or how hard it was to be happy for everyone else. I faked my way through a lot of events and a lot of just everyday life because I didn't want anyone's pity. I needed that brave face, that tough single girl attitude, the "I don't need no man" façade because it protected me. No one knows how many nights I sat alone in my bed and sobbed out my heart...

So this weekend was weird. Not terribly restful, for sure. Started out Friday afternoon. I took off work early to accommodate the fact that I had to work a few hours Saturday. Since I wasn't in my own car, I was still stuck in town until Mama got off work. I spent those three hours mostly grocery shopping. I did manage to make it Hallmark for a Christmas present for BFF and Cato to quick see if I could find some new jeans. My current ones (I only had one pair that still fit) were getting worn out to the point that at someday soon I'd be showing the backside of my underwear. And nobody wants to see that. Trust me. No luck at Catos. All toooooo long. Tell me, America. Why is that petite  pants are extra long on an average height woman (5'5")? Sooooooo annoying. I did end up finding some jeans at Wal-Mart (Faded Glory for curves) that were only an inch or so too long. An inch I can handle. Best part, they were only a little over $13. Winner winner, chicken dinner. h...

Okay, so admittedly in prior months I've been shallowly drooling over a particularly muscular (and squickily underage) werewolf via Twilight. Yes, the muscles are droolworthy for sure. But I was team Jacob way before I ever saw Taylor Lautner's washboard abs. I've been thinking lately about the kind of men I'm attracted to. Not that it matters since no one's ever attracted to me but it's just kinda funny to think about what it is that draws me to certain men. Both in real life and in television, movies and books. Probably the biggest thing I've discovered about myself is that physical features aka looks-- while nice-- certainly don't really mean all that much to me. Character does. Take my obsession with Chuck. Yes, Zachary Levi is (to me) physically attractive. But I hadn't really thought of him in that way until I started watching Chuck . And yeah, I had seen him in other movies/tv shows before. He was on Less Than Perfect (sitcom on ABC,...

*The virus on the computer at my desk got "cleaned" Friday. Late, late LATE Friday. As in, 15 minutes before I was set to go home. But. Still no internet. Systems dude told me before he left to play around on it for a bit and let him know if there were any problems. So I dutifully logged on to the internet to "play around" and...Ugh. No connection. So I emailed him. And as of this morning, I've still not had anyone come restore internet connection to the computer at my desk. (I'm writing from the ref. desk computer.) So if you're wondering why I'm not commenting on blogs, twitter or facebook, that's why. Not that you've probably even noticed my abscense, right? lol *Figuring out new ways to save money is rough. Literally. *sigh* I finally broke down this weekend and bought cheap toilet paper. Having been a Charmin girl for so long, my behind isn't thanking me for that at all. Not one bit. But, I saved $2 and was able to buy everything o...

So yesterday I got an email from my aunt and uncle in GA announcing that their youngest daughter, my cousin, is expecting her second child. They also announced that they had bought a new house further up in the mountains and were trying to sell their current home. I responded with  "Congratulations", some mild excitement and the hope that their current home sells quickly. This was my uncle's reply: You know, you would look great in our old house here, 2 acres (or 5 if you wanted it), sitting on the front porch with Mr Jana just a swingin', and relaxing and enjoying life! Look at it again and see if you can't figure out why it kind of ticked me off just a tad. Keep in mind that this same uncle has been after me to get married for years now. Has even offered to find me a fella in GA if I'd come out to visit for a few days. And when I bought my house last year, he was genuinely baffled as to why I, a single gal, would purchase a home on my own. *Gasp* What ...

I find myself censoring what I say on Facebook. It's unfair. I can't be ME on there anymore. Too many people I actually know (but they don't really know me!) on there now. People who know me in real life take my references to single life and needing a man seriously. They wouldn't get the joke that I wanted to leave on my status update that would have read: "Dear God, Since I can't get a man, can I at least get a 37" LCD HDTV?" They'd have been all, "Jana, men are not all they're cracked up to be" and then gossiped about how sad/pathetic I am being all manless. *sigh* But dang, I really want that TV. *big sigh* My folks would like, crap a brick if I bought one though. And what would I do with the 27" standard TV they gave me for college graduation? It's too big to fit in my bedroom. Although, I'd love to have TV in my bedroom. Not that I'd probably watch it all that much. Hmmmm... Ugh, I don't need a n...

that I'm single. I don't ever want to be one of those crazy married women who wastes weeks of their lives being pissed off at their hubbies for not celebrating Valentine's Day by showering them with gifts and woo-woo declarations of love. Love is: Never having to buy a Hallmark Card to prove your affections. But on the flip side, any man who can't take two seconds to stop by Wal-Mart and pick up a card and a box of candy ain't much worth celebrating anyway. Happily single, I am.

So I did actually make the coffee. *sigh* I rushed home all giddy, swept the floors, changed into my good jeans and fluffed my hair. Went around the house to make sure it was still clean. And then I waited. When he hadn't shown up by 6 I thought, okay. I'll make the coffee. I guess my thinking was that maybe God was waiting for me to make up my mind. And too, I thought, he might actually appreciate it since it was getting cool outside. So I made it. Poured myself a cup and waited. Turned the porch light on at about 6:30 and sipped my coffee. At around 7:00, he called. He wasn't coming. All the rain we'd had that day had interfered with the job he was doing and he was still working. Wasn't sure when he'd get finished. We talked for like maybe three or five minutes. Long enough for me to giggle stupidly a couple of times, him to complain about the rain and make arrangements to meet today before the inspector came to check out the unit and stuff. And then that was...

Neither of which has anything to do with the other, but that's what's on the old brain today. (and I'll even let you giggle about the fact that I first spelled "brain" "brian." LOL Oy.) So men. Yeah, they're STRANGE. Weird creatures. That's what I told my buddy Bridget just now. She's got man problems the same way I have man problems...that there aren't any out there available to us. Oh, there are plenty of available men out there but none that are available to us . And not that I waste too much time thinking about them (other than giggling over the Heat Pump Dude and his hotness) but there was a time that I did. I obsessed over them and what's WRONG with me and why couldn't just ONE love me. And even now I sometimes wonder about that. You know, what's wrong with me that I can't get a man? Well, a man other than a sleazoid. And who wants sleazoids really? Not me, certainly. But it just comes so easy to everyone else. Why ...

Okay, so, where was I? Right, we got to Sis1's house around 10:30 or so. No sooner had we parked the truck than Emmy was running outside like a monkey and hopping around all excited. Of course she went straight to Lyssa and I, the favorite aunt, barely rated a hello. Well, sort of. I think she did hug me. You know, I don't think we actually did much at all except eat. I know we sat in the floor and played at odd times throughout the day but mostly I remember eating. When we first got there, Sis1 had just pulled some orange danish rolls and some sausage rolls out of the oven. We all dove face first into those because, yeah. The sausage egg and cheese Freschetta? Totally gone by then. I sipped on coffee and made small talk with BIL's mom who confused me with Sis2. I tried not to be too miffed about it since now that Sis2 has put on some lbs we actually look a lot more alike than we used to. And I did carry Lyssa inside when we first got there. So yeah, can't really hold i...

The muse, she is no longer PMSing which means...I've been writing! Yay! Two scenes up on Drifters with several more waiting their turn. I love it when the muse gets it together and shares her inspiration with me. hehehehe Too bad I couldn't have gotten a male muse. Men don't PMS. Not technically, anyway. I know a few who are moody as all heck at times. Reckon they're PMSing in some strange way? Or are all muses female, do you think? Hmmm...Question for the universe. Although, I know other writers (more talented than I) who claim they hear voices instead of having muses. Or have peasants. (lesser muses, I think is how JT described it once.) Non-writers (and some writers, probably) likely think all this muse business is a bunch of hooey. But you know what? Most of the stuff creativity that comes out of this brain? Couldn't have come strictly from me. Not that I believe, necessarily, in the traditional muse. Just that there's SOMETHING beyond my own measly brain t...

LOL I "heart" the above title so much, I think I'll keep it. Not sure who coined it, but my co-worker DD tweeted it Saturday and cracked me up. Yeah. I'm easily amused. So, how did I spend my Single Awareness Day? Being blessedly single--and loving it. For the first time since I was a kid--back before I cared about things like men and boyfriends and how depressing Valentine's Day could be--I actually enjoyed the day. I only almost cried once. And that one time had nothing to do with the lack of male companionship. No, I almost cried (and did actually cuss a little) because McDonald's screwed up my breakfast order. hehehehe Well, it was very traumatic. I ordered my usual chicken biscuit meal (#6, if you wanna know) with a nonfat hazelnut cappuciano. First, I had to pull up and wait ten minutes at the drive through for them to bring my chicken biscuit. Then when I got home I realized that a) they'd forgotten to include my hashbrown and b) they'd forgotte...

It's hard being a girl. There is so much pressure and expectation placed on girls/women. Find a man. Make babies. Provide grandchildren. For some of us (me) those expectations are seemingly impossible. I always thought my mom was okay with me being (and remaining) single. I thought she had accepted a long time ago that I would never marry or have babies. I certainly did. I guess since I had accepted it (and really, isn't my acceptance of it the important part?) I thought my family had as well. And I don't really know that she hasn't. Just something she said today at lunch. She and I were watching Mr. Food on the midday news and he was showing the "quick and simple" way to set your Thanksgiving table. I remarked that I wondered if anyone actually had those idyllic Thanksgiving tables because certainly we never had. Thanksgiving in my family consists of a counter full of food and a mad dash by two dozen people (or more, depending on which cousins get to come) ...

*singing* It's Friday! It's Friday! hehehehe God bless this long tiring week. Finally...FINALLY...it's over. And God is SOOOO good. Let's just say He answered a major prayer for me last night and I'm ever-so-thankful. :-) I bought Taylor Swift's CD last weekend. I know, I know, it's been out FOREVER and I hadn't really planned on ever buying it. Not because I don't like her music but because I didn't think I liked her enough to spend my hard earned...err...well, my cash on her. hehehe At least, not until I heard the song " Shoulda Said No." Emmy and I fell in love with it when we heard it back in June. I knew then that I had to have the CD (because Jana's still backassward when it comes to technology the likes of musical downloading). Soooo , since last weekend was Alyssa's birthday I knew I wanted to get Emmy something so maybe she wouldn't be all that terribly jealous of Alyssa getting gifts. (Hey, she's nine. It...

You know the whole lonely, wanting to get married/have a boyfriend thing I whined about not so long ago? Does it make me fickle or finicky or too picky that half the available men I know/meet I pray they aren't interested in me? No seriously. I do. I'm hoping it just means that I know what I want and don't want to have to deal with what I DON'T want. It probably means I'm high maintenance. Or worse--a snob! In the meantime, I've been thinking all day of something I could do to treat myself since I've had some little financial blessings lately (Mr. Mastercard and Ms. Visa BOTH lowered my APR! And I got a "raise", albeit a tiny one.) I browsed the web looking at jewelry. I don't actually own any actual diamonds, you know. Perused the JC Penny site for new bedding. Thought briefly of going to the grocery store and buying a fancy cheesecake to eat all by myself. In the end I decided on a Reese's Nutrageous bar (I didn't know they still made...

And how. A girl goes away for a week and they pull a complete fruit basket turnover on her. They've MOVED Mrs. B (my best bud and one of the ONLY people who make this job bearable) downstairs. Yeah, it's just two flights down but it may as well be Siberia. I'm still pouting and depressed. I mean, yeah. They've been saying it's going to happen for like a year now and I suppose I'd convinced myself that it wasn't going to happen. And then they picked the week I was gone to actually do it. *sigh* But I had a GREAT week with Sis2 and Lissa. I so did not want to leave. I haven't gotten to have such quality time with my sister in AGES and Lissa...well, she almost makes me rethink my whole "don't want no babies" mantra. LOL She's such a sweetie. Even when she's fussy and crying and won't sleep when you want her too she's precious. It was so great having the days be just the three of us lazing about like a bunch of good for nothings...

I've been having weird dreams for the past few nights. Most of them involving the various men in my life, past and present. But not the steamy delicious kind of man dreams. Just weird. Strange, I guess. And at least two of them involved a certain someone who I dare not mention but you all know who he is. LOL But the one that's really stuck in my head involved my one big "star-crossed" fella from way back. (as in we were great friends from childhood through to adulthood and both knew that we wanted to be together but never said so to each other and definitely never acted on it.) I can't (or won't) go into details of why exactly we're star-crossed. It's deeply personal and I generally don't speak of it. But in the dream he and I meet up for lunch and talk like old times. I could always talk to him and feel like I was the only person in his universe. He was great like that. We hold onto each other as he's walking me to my car. Like, you know, we...

Spent another Saturday lazily sorting through and ID'ing photographs. This time, at least, they're my own, instead of my mother's. ;) I still don't have any albums for them, but sorting and IDing are half the battle. I've abandoned my mother's for the moment. Her's are so far out of chronological order I could cry. Seriously. It's depressing. I need a good stiff drink before I even ATTEMPT to get back to them! Actually, I'm just craving a Mudslide and need an excuse. hehehehe So yeah, that's pretty much all I did Saturday. Worked on photographs, played with the DP and *gasp* took a nap! Yesterday was the typical Sunday routine. Church, folks' house, church, home. I'm really starting to wonder about the preacher man, though. I don't know WHAT's going on with him. He's all sweet to me, hugs me, tries to engage my dad in conversation yesterday morning and then last night... nuthin '. I'm like, dude, what's UP?! I ...

Okay, so I've been working with periodicals for FAR TOO LONG lately. LOL But were I to split the weekend reviews into volumes, nos. and years, I'd be on something like volume 3, no. 17, May 2007. Not that I, you know, sat down and calculated that or anything. hehehehehe Anyhoo, here's the 4-1-1 on the weekend ala me. Friday: Averted crisis of impending house guests Friday night by citing severe PMS crankiness as a potential liability. (It's true. I was severely cranky most of last week. Warned Sis1 that should she and Emmy persist with their plans of taking up space in my residence for the night I might inadvertently hurt their feelings, offend or otherwise annoy them.) Sis1 played it smart and skipped my house, did not pass go and went straight to the folks' house Friday night. Blessedly, it was just me, Libby and Ghost Whisperer Friday night. Joy! (BTW, how creepy was GW? I'm sooooo hoping they're not leading to ending the series. Heard any gossip Trix?) S...

Or not. I let St. Patrick's Day glide right on past with nary a notice. Bad little Irish-Cherokee girl. Vewy bad. ;-) I've never really gotten the whole meaning behind the "holiday" anyway. Luck o' the Irish or whatnot, sure. Drinking green beer and pinching folks who don't wear green? Not so much. *shrugs* I got a wee bit o' the Irish in me blood, for sure but I wasn't raise on the Irish lore. Anyhow, I went shopping Saturday morning. Had to drag myself out of the house because ya'll? I was sooooo not feeling the "get out and about" thing. I would much rather have been lazy. But a girl's gotta eat and the devil pup needed some more bacon treats. She's unmanageable without them. (Yes. I bribe my dog.) Once I finally got there, I had intended to look around, do some "dreaming" in case I get any birthday money to spend. You know, I like to have my money spent before I get it. I'm just goofy that way. Unfortunately, I h...