Dreams and Things

I've been having weird dreams for the past few nights. Most of them involving the various men in my life, past and present. But not the steamy delicious kind of man dreams. Just weird. Strange, I guess. And at least two of them involved a certain someone who I dare not mention but you all know who he is. LOL

But the one that's really stuck in my head involved my one big "star-crossed" fella from way back. (as in we were great friends from childhood through to adulthood and both knew that we wanted to be together but never said so to each other and definitely never acted on it.) I can't (or won't) go into details of why exactly we're star-crossed. It's deeply personal and I generally don't speak of it. But in the dream he and I meet up for lunch and talk like old times. I could always talk to him and feel like I was the only person in his universe. He was great like that.

We hold onto each other as he's walking me to my car. Like, you know, we're hugging as we're walking. (I can still feel the warm and fuzzies from it!) When we finally get to the car, it's one of those surreal moments where he caresses my face all tender and sweet and looks into my eyes as he finally says what he never would say. I cry and say what I never would say and we have this really amazing kiss. (So amazing that I could still feel it when I woke up. Like my lips were all tingly and heavy.)

Then the dream jumps to us in an apartment (presumably mine though I've never lived in an apartment). We're really frustrated and sad because now all the feelings are out there--as well as the amazing kiss--but we still can't do anything about it (for those same reasons I won't say). He has to leave and we have this really tearful good-bye and (here's where it get's weird) another man I don't know (but I knew him in my dream) comes in and is a jerk (talking smack about my fella) and I get all pissy with him, yelling and screaming and telling him off...just really go off on him and scream at him to leave me the hell alone and to get out of my house. And then I woke up. Too bad it couldn't have stayed on the kissing. LOL

I guess this fella has just really been on my mind lately. I haven't seen him in years. We used to stay in touch--exchange Christmas cards, he left me a Valentine's card in my mailbox one year (not mailed it...LEFT it. No postage, that's how I know.) (And yes, I walked around hugging it for a while and stared at it a long time and I think I even kissed it once), left a Snoopy Santa in there one Christmas (walked around sniffing it for days because it smelled like him) and then for some reason we just stopped. Lost all contact with each other.

I think it just got too hard. For me, anyway. Wanting someone I couldn't have and fully believing he wanted me too and yet still having contact with him in such an agonizingly distant way. I suppose I just made the unconscious decision to let him go. But a few weeks ago a friend of mine who sees him now and again told me that he still asks her about me. Apparently every time she sees him. He actually gave her his number to give to me a couple of times but I just can't seem to find the courage to call him. I think it would be stupid. We still can't be together. Even if we think things are different now, they really really aren't. I'd have to give up everything to be with him and there are some things in life that I just can't give up no matter how awesome it might be to finally be with this man. And I can't change the circumstances that make us an impossibility. And I can't ever be around him and just be friends again. It would be to hard. Too tempting. Far, far too tempting.

I guess that's ultimately what the dream was about. Huh. I just figured that out just now as I'm typing. lol I obviously still have feelings for him, am frustrated that we still can't be together and the yelling at the jerk, I suppose, is my way of telling the people keeping us apart to go screw themselves.

If only life were as simple as that, huh?