Anxiety, They Name Is Jana
So I signed the lease on the apartment last night. Handed over most of my life savings in deposit and first month's rent. I nearly threw up.
*sigh*
Then my mom and I went and got my sister and went to look at it again. It's really funny the things to you don't notice at first. Especially when you've got the property owner following you around. The fridge is a disaster. The oven is ancient. Very little about the place looked the way I remembered it. *sigh*
Needless to say, when I got home last night I was in a dither about it all. Regretful, near tears. And then landlord called to say I'd stiffed him $40. lol He'd asked for cash and two twenties got stuck in the envelope I'd had it in and I didn't notice it. So I've got to get him that. But while I was on the phone with him I asked him about the fridge. He said he'd either repair or replace it. I'm seriously hoping he replaces it.
I did okay after I talked to him. Went about making the sausage balls I'd committed to bringing for a party we're having today for a part time staffer who's leaving. Watched Ugly Betty, did some packing, watched Lost, played with the Devil Pup. Then I went to bed. I actually did get to sleep but something woke me up around 11:30 and I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest. I couldn't breath. All I could think about was how much I DIDN'T want to move.
All this time--years, even--that I've been wanting to move and suddenly I didn't? What the crap is up with that? But I seriously thought I was going to just pass out from the pressure in my chest. I just kept thinking about leaving my house and moving to a place that might not be much better in the long run. All the things involved in moving from the county to the city. Everything I'd be leaving behind. Everything that'd change. And that word slapped me so hard. Change. It kicks my butt every time. Apparently, even when I'm the one who instigates it!
I seriously had to talk myself down last night. Chant to myself that for better or worse, this was a good thing. I needed shaking out of that house. I had to keep reminding myself of all the reasons I wanted and needed to leave. AND keep reminding myself that it's only for a year. I'm only COMMITTED for a year. Sure, I'd hate the hassle of moving again this time next year but honestly, if it's awful I'm only committed for a year and then Lord willing I'd be able to find something better.
But you know, I think I wouldn't have been as anxious and upset about the prospect of leaving my home of 7 years if I knew for sure that I was going to be in a much better environment. As it stands, I just don't know if I've jumped from the frying pan and into the fire, yanno? And it's the not knowing that kills me. Going from the known to the unknown. It isn't like moving was for my sisters. They've both always managed to land in great situations. Me, I feel like I'm always settling for less than what I want. It's the tragedy of being a poor single woman.
I'm hoping and praying for the best, though. That once I get moved in and settled everything will be great. I know it's going to be an adjustment in every way imaginable. Adjusting to living in town, a smaller space, a tighter budget. You name it, I've got to adjust to it. I know the Lord will work this all out for me. I just have to be obedient. He's placed me here for a purpose. I just have to keep my mind open to see what that purpose is.
*sigh*
Then my mom and I went and got my sister and went to look at it again. It's really funny the things to you don't notice at first. Especially when you've got the property owner following you around. The fridge is a disaster. The oven is ancient. Very little about the place looked the way I remembered it. *sigh*
Needless to say, when I got home last night I was in a dither about it all. Regretful, near tears. And then landlord called to say I'd stiffed him $40. lol He'd asked for cash and two twenties got stuck in the envelope I'd had it in and I didn't notice it. So I've got to get him that. But while I was on the phone with him I asked him about the fridge. He said he'd either repair or replace it. I'm seriously hoping he replaces it.
I did okay after I talked to him. Went about making the sausage balls I'd committed to bringing for a party we're having today for a part time staffer who's leaving. Watched Ugly Betty, did some packing, watched Lost, played with the Devil Pup. Then I went to bed. I actually did get to sleep but something woke me up around 11:30 and I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest. I couldn't breath. All I could think about was how much I DIDN'T want to move.
All this time--years, even--that I've been wanting to move and suddenly I didn't? What the crap is up with that? But I seriously thought I was going to just pass out from the pressure in my chest. I just kept thinking about leaving my house and moving to a place that might not be much better in the long run. All the things involved in moving from the county to the city. Everything I'd be leaving behind. Everything that'd change. And that word slapped me so hard. Change. It kicks my butt every time. Apparently, even when I'm the one who instigates it!
I seriously had to talk myself down last night. Chant to myself that for better or worse, this was a good thing. I needed shaking out of that house. I had to keep reminding myself of all the reasons I wanted and needed to leave. AND keep reminding myself that it's only for a year. I'm only COMMITTED for a year. Sure, I'd hate the hassle of moving again this time next year but honestly, if it's awful I'm only committed for a year and then Lord willing I'd be able to find something better.
But you know, I think I wouldn't have been as anxious and upset about the prospect of leaving my home of 7 years if I knew for sure that I was going to be in a much better environment. As it stands, I just don't know if I've jumped from the frying pan and into the fire, yanno? And it's the not knowing that kills me. Going from the known to the unknown. It isn't like moving was for my sisters. They've both always managed to land in great situations. Me, I feel like I'm always settling for less than what I want. It's the tragedy of being a poor single woman.
I'm hoping and praying for the best, though. That once I get moved in and settled everything will be great. I know it's going to be an adjustment in every way imaginable. Adjusting to living in town, a smaller space, a tighter budget. You name it, I've got to adjust to it. I know the Lord will work this all out for me. I just have to be obedient. He's placed me here for a purpose. I just have to keep my mind open to see what that purpose is.
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