Finding My Place in the World
When I started this blog, I declared myself a woman in progress. Someone made mention that we are all works in progress. For me, that is very reassuring to know.It's comforting to know that there are others out there who find themselves striving to be better. To be more. To grow into the woman they always wanted to become.
Back before my sister got married, we used to have a lot of those deep, thought provoking conversations. You know the kind. What are we here for? When will the world at large take us seriously? When will our real lives start? Why do we still feel like children playing dress up?
For her, the answers turned out to be marriage. All of the answeres came back: Marriage. She's a wife. Her purpose in life is to follow her husband's lead. She is finally part of the elitist crowd known to me as the smug married couples. This earns her respect of the masses. She says she finally feels grown up.
For myself, I fear that marriage would be the END of the questions. I'm still struggling to find my answers. What AM I here for? I could jump on the best selling bandwagon and buy "Purpose Driven Life" but the only book that I know for sure has the answers to all the questions is the Bible and I'm not evolved enough to discern the answers hidden there yet.
I'm 26 years old. As folks so kindly point out to me, I'm nearing that all important 30 year mark. In my darkest heart, I wonder if turning that magical age will render me the answers I seek. Will I have settled into where I'm supposed to be by then? Will that number earn me the status of adult? Will I find myself no longer in this state of limbo?
I don't even know why I wonder about these things. My life is what it is and it will become what it will become. No one has a right to judge my life any more than I have a right to judge anyone else's. I am a responsible, independant, hard working member of society. I get up in the morning, put on my game face and go out into the world just like all those who would deem me still a child. I pay my bills. I keep my home reasonably clean. I take care of my own problems and I help others whenever I can.
So why then do many times I still go home at night and feel like the world has patted me on the head like an obediant child and sent me on my way? Is it an internal psychological thing? Am I the one who views my single status as not being grown up? Have I judged myself? Or am I just too overly sensative to harmless comments, assumptions and assertions. Like yesterday when a woman whom I've worked with for years but do not socialize with made the assumption that I still live at home with my parents. I wanted to very loudly protest that NO I DON'T.
I know that I don't think harshly of others who are my age or older who still live at home. I think sometimes that they do need to get out into the world and live it for themselves instead of depending on Mama and Daddy, but I don't automatically assume that they are loosers or immature. Why then would I think people think those things about me?
Perhaps it's the fear of sterotyping that bothers me so. I don't live in an area of the world that embraces independance in women or living the single life. All of my friends are either married or have children or both. They tend to view unmarried women as poor creatures who are seeking a husband. A childlike girl waiting to be rescued. Lord knows that there are enough women who do wait to be rescued. Blondie from a previous post certainly is. Even Sex and the City, the show that was the voice of the single woman for so long sold out at the end and found all the women happily married or ensconsed in a serious relationship on the path to marriage. I mean, even SAMANTHA got a steady fella.
Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to say that marriage is the root of all evil. It's a beautiful thing created by God. If the perfect fit came along for me I'd jump right on in there.
But I don't want to be rescued. I don't want to be taken care of. I certainly don't want to be stifled.
I want to carve my own path. To find my own bliss. If a partner finds his way to my side in the process, then praise be. Miracles do exist.But the word "partner" is the key. I never want it to be said that I took the easy way out. That I gave my life over to someone else to do it for me. I don't want to be defined by who I marry. I want to find my place in the world. I want the world to take me seriously and respect me. But I want it all on my own terms. By my own definitions.
Mostly, I just want to live my life the way I live it and the rest of the world get over itself.
Jana
Back before my sister got married, we used to have a lot of those deep, thought provoking conversations. You know the kind. What are we here for? When will the world at large take us seriously? When will our real lives start? Why do we still feel like children playing dress up?
For her, the answers turned out to be marriage. All of the answeres came back: Marriage. She's a wife. Her purpose in life is to follow her husband's lead. She is finally part of the elitist crowd known to me as the smug married couples. This earns her respect of the masses. She says she finally feels grown up.
For myself, I fear that marriage would be the END of the questions. I'm still struggling to find my answers. What AM I here for? I could jump on the best selling bandwagon and buy "Purpose Driven Life" but the only book that I know for sure has the answers to all the questions is the Bible and I'm not evolved enough to discern the answers hidden there yet.
I'm 26 years old. As folks so kindly point out to me, I'm nearing that all important 30 year mark. In my darkest heart, I wonder if turning that magical age will render me the answers I seek. Will I have settled into where I'm supposed to be by then? Will that number earn me the status of adult? Will I find myself no longer in this state of limbo?
I don't even know why I wonder about these things. My life is what it is and it will become what it will become. No one has a right to judge my life any more than I have a right to judge anyone else's. I am a responsible, independant, hard working member of society. I get up in the morning, put on my game face and go out into the world just like all those who would deem me still a child. I pay my bills. I keep my home reasonably clean. I take care of my own problems and I help others whenever I can.
So why then do many times I still go home at night and feel like the world has patted me on the head like an obediant child and sent me on my way? Is it an internal psychological thing? Am I the one who views my single status as not being grown up? Have I judged myself? Or am I just too overly sensative to harmless comments, assumptions and assertions. Like yesterday when a woman whom I've worked with for years but do not socialize with made the assumption that I still live at home with my parents. I wanted to very loudly protest that NO I DON'T.
I know that I don't think harshly of others who are my age or older who still live at home. I think sometimes that they do need to get out into the world and live it for themselves instead of depending on Mama and Daddy, but I don't automatically assume that they are loosers or immature. Why then would I think people think those things about me?
Perhaps it's the fear of sterotyping that bothers me so. I don't live in an area of the world that embraces independance in women or living the single life. All of my friends are either married or have children or both. They tend to view unmarried women as poor creatures who are seeking a husband. A childlike girl waiting to be rescued. Lord knows that there are enough women who do wait to be rescued. Blondie from a previous post certainly is. Even Sex and the City, the show that was the voice of the single woman for so long sold out at the end and found all the women happily married or ensconsed in a serious relationship on the path to marriage. I mean, even SAMANTHA got a steady fella.
Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to say that marriage is the root of all evil. It's a beautiful thing created by God. If the perfect fit came along for me I'd jump right on in there.
But I don't want to be rescued. I don't want to be taken care of. I certainly don't want to be stifled.
I want to carve my own path. To find my own bliss. If a partner finds his way to my side in the process, then praise be. Miracles do exist.But the word "partner" is the key. I never want it to be said that I took the easy way out. That I gave my life over to someone else to do it for me. I don't want to be defined by who I marry. I want to find my place in the world. I want the world to take me seriously and respect me. But I want it all on my own terms. By my own definitions.
Mostly, I just want to live my life the way I live it and the rest of the world get over itself.
Jana
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