All By Myself
Thanks to my pal Gigi, this song is now stuck in my head in all it's annoying glory. lol (I'm hoping to pass on the curse, in case you're wondering. hehe)
But seriously, the title of this song kind of mimics what's been on my mind since yesterday. Being alone.
I nearly cried in church yesterday. Not an entirely unheard of phenomenon as I've been known to cry during especially moving songs, emotional testimony or after a particularly eventful invitation. It's rare for me though to be brought to tears and utterly depressed by the sermon. Yeah, I've heard some extremely moving sermons before and had my toes bruised to the max on more than one occasion but most sermons don't depress me and make me question my entire view of my life. Yesterday's did. Could the preacher have possibly understood how thoroughly he was trampling on my poor soul? Likely not. He was trying to make a point that had very little to do with my own questing soul.
I can't remember, exactly, what his main theme of the sermon was. Not that I wasn't listening but when you're trying not to lose it in the midst of Sunday morning worship, it's somewhat difficult to comprehend the rest of a sermon. Especially when your heart is stuck on something the preacher has already moved on from.
What tormented me so? Being alone.
I've talked in here before about my reluctance to fall in love. My belief that I won't have lost any value in life if I never fall in love and get married. My insistance that I don't need anyone to complete me. I still hang on to that but something the preacher said struck me so deeply...so perfectly wretchedly that for a while it nearly undid me.
He took his sermon from Ecclesiastes 4:8-12.
8 There is one alone, and there is not a second; yea, he hath neither child nor brother: yet is there no end of all his labour; neither is his eye satisfied with riches; neither saith he, For whom do I labour, and bereave my soul of good? This is also vanity, yea, it is a sore travail. 9 Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. 10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. 11 Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? 12 And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
He spoke for the first 20 minutes of the sermon on these verses and his gist of it was that man (or woman) is not meant to be alone. That to be alone in life is to live in misery and defeat. He stated that any victories in life are empty without someone to share them with. Any celebrations are sorrowful without a partner to celebrate with. Without someone to share your life you have no one to lift you up when you are down. No one to watch your back. No one to guard you or share in the ups and downs of life. He basically said that if you are alone you are weak.
I can't say that what he said isn't true. I can't honestly stand back and say "Oh, he's just saying that because like most married folks he wants us to succumb to the misery HE's subjected to." There is certainly truth to his statements. There IS a certain emptiness in life's victories when there's no one to run home to at the end of the day and say, "Hey, you'll never guess what happened today!" and have that person hug you and celebrate with you and be completely happy for you and share in your joy. And there is a particular loneliness in being utterly defeated and going home to an empty house with no one to comfort you or cheer you up--no one who feels your abject misery as deeply as you do. And yeah, it does cross my mind that there is the distinct possibility that I could be murdered in my sleep and there would be no one to protect me or even know that I'm dead for a while. (A day or so at any rate.)
So I was sitting in church, my mind frozen on these thoughts, my heart bleeding. Why? Why is this man tormenting me so? I'm content with my life alone. I'm grateful for the solititude. I am, dangit! Why is this man ripping to shreds everything I've worked so hard to build? Why Lord, why? Why did You have this man preach this? You know how hardwon my independance is. How bitter a pill it was for me to swallow all those years ago when I realized my life would be a solitary one.
I kept grasping at half-truths and weak counter claims. I'm not alone. I have my family. I share my joys with them. If I have a particular victory I can always call on them to celebrate with me. If I've accomplished a daunting feat, I've got them to pat me on the back.
But the thing is, I don't. Yeah, they're there. They love me and I believe they would do anything for me. But I don't turn to them. They don't "get" me. The truth is they think I'm funny. Everything I do is funny. A big joke. It's why not a single soul who is blood related to me knows that I'm a writer and that I dream of becoming published. It's why I've never shared my declaration with them of being a woman in progress. It's also the very reason why I can't share my thoughts on yesterdays sermon with them. It would be funny. No, my family aren't cruel people who've abused me my whole life. I've simply trained them to be this way throughout my life. It's much simpler to have people think you're funny than it is for them to know how deeply you bleed and how dark your soul is on any given day. It's much less complicated if they don't take you seriously than for them to know that you're just a little bit off center from who they expect you to be. That you have thoughts and feelings and wishes that would make their hair curl. Mild mannered, ditzy doormat...that's what they want so I give it to them. Even my sister, who perhaps may have once seen a glimpse of me, now gets the full on happy face.
So I am alone. And I admit that I haven't been entirely okay with that. No, I don't want to run off and get married and spit out a few dozen babies. I don't think that would solve my problem. Whatever face I've put to my family would inevitably be put to whoever I married because lets face it--not many people want to look much beneath the surface. If they did, my family would know that I'm a fraud. That I'm not just a shallow ditzy funnygirl. They would know that I bleed. They would feel the darker undercurrents and they would ferrit out my dreams, hopes, fears and self-esteem issues.
No, all this self-searching, questioning and that dang sermon did was to further frustrate me. Because, truth be told, I know exactly what I want and I know that that is impossible. I want someone to look right through to the core of me and identify. I want someone who refuses to accept that face I show the world. But who out there can fill that order? It's long been my belief that that sort of love only exists in romance novels and that's why I consume the dang things like chocolate.
But through all this one thing the preacher said does stick with me and give me comfort--something he perhaps should have said right off the bat. As a child of God, a born again Christian, I am never truly alone. As long as I walk beside Him, I will always have someone to share my victories, someone to pick me up when I fall and listen to my heart's desires. He's always seen straight through to the core of me and He will never accept the face I show the world. Only to Him am I safe in baring my soul. (and apparently to this blog. lol) Maybe that's why He had the preacher say those things and tear my soul apart. He answered my unspoken prayer.
But seriously, the title of this song kind of mimics what's been on my mind since yesterday. Being alone.
I nearly cried in church yesterday. Not an entirely unheard of phenomenon as I've been known to cry during especially moving songs, emotional testimony or after a particularly eventful invitation. It's rare for me though to be brought to tears and utterly depressed by the sermon. Yeah, I've heard some extremely moving sermons before and had my toes bruised to the max on more than one occasion but most sermons don't depress me and make me question my entire view of my life. Yesterday's did. Could the preacher have possibly understood how thoroughly he was trampling on my poor soul? Likely not. He was trying to make a point that had very little to do with my own questing soul.
I can't remember, exactly, what his main theme of the sermon was. Not that I wasn't listening but when you're trying not to lose it in the midst of Sunday morning worship, it's somewhat difficult to comprehend the rest of a sermon. Especially when your heart is stuck on something the preacher has already moved on from.
What tormented me so? Being alone.
I've talked in here before about my reluctance to fall in love. My belief that I won't have lost any value in life if I never fall in love and get married. My insistance that I don't need anyone to complete me. I still hang on to that but something the preacher said struck me so deeply...so perfectly wretchedly that for a while it nearly undid me.
He took his sermon from Ecclesiastes 4:8-12.
8 There is one alone, and there is not a second; yea, he hath neither child nor brother: yet is there no end of all his labour; neither is his eye satisfied with riches; neither saith he, For whom do I labour, and bereave my soul of good? This is also vanity, yea, it is a sore travail. 9 Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. 10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. 11 Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? 12 And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
He spoke for the first 20 minutes of the sermon on these verses and his gist of it was that man (or woman) is not meant to be alone. That to be alone in life is to live in misery and defeat. He stated that any victories in life are empty without someone to share them with. Any celebrations are sorrowful without a partner to celebrate with. Without someone to share your life you have no one to lift you up when you are down. No one to watch your back. No one to guard you or share in the ups and downs of life. He basically said that if you are alone you are weak.
I can't say that what he said isn't true. I can't honestly stand back and say "Oh, he's just saying that because like most married folks he wants us to succumb to the misery HE's subjected to." There is certainly truth to his statements. There IS a certain emptiness in life's victories when there's no one to run home to at the end of the day and say, "Hey, you'll never guess what happened today!" and have that person hug you and celebrate with you and be completely happy for you and share in your joy. And there is a particular loneliness in being utterly defeated and going home to an empty house with no one to comfort you or cheer you up--no one who feels your abject misery as deeply as you do. And yeah, it does cross my mind that there is the distinct possibility that I could be murdered in my sleep and there would be no one to protect me or even know that I'm dead for a while. (A day or so at any rate.)
So I was sitting in church, my mind frozen on these thoughts, my heart bleeding. Why? Why is this man tormenting me so? I'm content with my life alone. I'm grateful for the solititude. I am, dangit! Why is this man ripping to shreds everything I've worked so hard to build? Why Lord, why? Why did You have this man preach this? You know how hardwon my independance is. How bitter a pill it was for me to swallow all those years ago when I realized my life would be a solitary one.
I kept grasping at half-truths and weak counter claims. I'm not alone. I have my family. I share my joys with them. If I have a particular victory I can always call on them to celebrate with me. If I've accomplished a daunting feat, I've got them to pat me on the back.
But the thing is, I don't. Yeah, they're there. They love me and I believe they would do anything for me. But I don't turn to them. They don't "get" me. The truth is they think I'm funny. Everything I do is funny. A big joke. It's why not a single soul who is blood related to me knows that I'm a writer and that I dream of becoming published. It's why I've never shared my declaration with them of being a woman in progress. It's also the very reason why I can't share my thoughts on yesterdays sermon with them. It would be funny. No, my family aren't cruel people who've abused me my whole life. I've simply trained them to be this way throughout my life. It's much simpler to have people think you're funny than it is for them to know how deeply you bleed and how dark your soul is on any given day. It's much less complicated if they don't take you seriously than for them to know that you're just a little bit off center from who they expect you to be. That you have thoughts and feelings and wishes that would make their hair curl. Mild mannered, ditzy doormat...that's what they want so I give it to them. Even my sister, who perhaps may have once seen a glimpse of me, now gets the full on happy face.
So I am alone. And I admit that I haven't been entirely okay with that. No, I don't want to run off and get married and spit out a few dozen babies. I don't think that would solve my problem. Whatever face I've put to my family would inevitably be put to whoever I married because lets face it--not many people want to look much beneath the surface. If they did, my family would know that I'm a fraud. That I'm not just a shallow ditzy funnygirl. They would know that I bleed. They would feel the darker undercurrents and they would ferrit out my dreams, hopes, fears and self-esteem issues.
No, all this self-searching, questioning and that dang sermon did was to further frustrate me. Because, truth be told, I know exactly what I want and I know that that is impossible. I want someone to look right through to the core of me and identify. I want someone who refuses to accept that face I show the world. But who out there can fill that order? It's long been my belief that that sort of love only exists in romance novels and that's why I consume the dang things like chocolate.
But through all this one thing the preacher said does stick with me and give me comfort--something he perhaps should have said right off the bat. As a child of God, a born again Christian, I am never truly alone. As long as I walk beside Him, I will always have someone to share my victories, someone to pick me up when I fall and listen to my heart's desires. He's always seen straight through to the core of me and He will never accept the face I show the world. Only to Him am I safe in baring my soul. (and apparently to this blog. lol) Maybe that's why He had the preacher say those things and tear my soul apart. He answered my unspoken prayer.
Comments
Honey, I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm single...VERY single and have come to the conclusion that I'll probably stay that way.
I find it interesting that the minister was almost punishing in the sense that he was saying that you'll only be content if you're with someone. I don't find that completely correct. I say that because 99% of couples that I know of are unhappy. I'd much rather be single and happy that together & miserable. That's just me though.
So, just remember that there are other people just like you and that yes, sometimes you can feel alone and that you can be miserable, but also there are a lot of times where being single is wonderful! No responsibility in the sense that you won't have to worry about someone else's feelings. We shall be united in our singleness!!!! I think we should start a club. :)
Love ya man!!! :-D
You are right in that you will never be alone, and that God is ALWAYS there to talk to, share iwth laugh with, cry with. I hope that was the jist of the preachers sermon and NOT that he believes man and woman are MEANT to be together.
In the Bible, Paul said that being single was admirable and glorified God, but that if you could not keep your desires at bay, then you should marry, so if the preacher was really saying you should have someone/ a partner,...I respectfully disagree.
April~I respectfully disagree with him too, if that was his point. I may have missed his actual point though because, like I said, by the time he got around to it, I was too immersed in my own terrible thoughts. lol
Thanks, ya'll for all the wonderful encouragement. (((hugs)))