Finding Your China
I've just had an epiphany. Life is like finding your good China even though your house has been washed out to sea.
My BIL, his mom and sister trekked down to the coast this weekend to dig around the rubble of what used to be his mother's house. The didn't truly expect to find anything other than the concrete pilings but God performs miracles everyday. So, okay, finding her grandmother's fine China intact and unscathed amidst the rubble isn't exactly parting the red sea, but it comes pretty darn close when you expected to find nothing left to show of the life you've lived for the past however many years. She found some other things as well, a bed frame, some other kitchen stuff--I don't even know what all she did find beneath what used to be her house but the idea of digging out your China and finding it in just the pristine condition you left it will stick with me always.
I think life is like that. Storms come through and rip apart your very soul leaving you bleeding and listless and somehow you always manage to find that one part of yourself that remains unscathed and untouched by the rigors of living.
We all live through storms throughout our lives. We lose people that we love. We lose jobs, homes, friends. We get betrayed or kicked down by people who swore we could trust them. Sometimes we even tear ourselves down with self-doubt or self-loathing or regrets that infect us so much so that we feel as though our hearts will never recover.
But it's amazing the way God works to restore just the tiniest bit of faith so that that faith can grow and breath and we live to love another day.
I was so down and out last week for reasons I still can't fathom. I don't think of myself as a depressive person but I many times find myself in the position of feeling worthless and unloved. I've let myself beat me up so much over the years that I allow myself to believe that if I can't stand me no one else can either. On a good day I think I'm brilliant and beautiful and yet on a bad day I think I'm stupid and hideous. I actually convince myself that I am unloveable.
Am I brilliant and beautiful? Not in the least but I'm not stupid and hideous either. I simply am what I am. An average woman with big dreams, a tender heart and few social skills.
So what's my China? You might ask. This time it was spending quality time with my mom. Yeah, the same mom I said I didn't feel loved me. It had been a long while since she and I had spent any amount of quality time together. I see her nearly every day at work but I think sometimes that this keeps us from really seeing each other. Talking. Being mother and daughter instead of coworkers. It detaches us.
Friday she took me to Columbus to see a dentist (who was yummy btw) and after we finished there we decided to have a play day instead of going back to work. We went to lunch and talked...really talked the way we used to. We roamed a couple of stores and chatted about the things that mattered, gossiped about stuff that didn't, and I don't know--bonded. The only time I got snarky with her was when she accused me of being like my dad. I am like him but I like to pretend I'm not. Not that he's bad, per se, but he's exasperating and difficult and has so many hurtful tendencies that I don't want to be compared to him. But I digress.
So I remember that she loves me and I figure, heck, if Mama still loves me surely the rest of the crazy family does too, even if they don't always like me or remember that I'm alive and breathing and living in the boonies.
And it helps that I got to talk a bit with Sis2 and Sis1 has been emailing me. I think sometimes that yeah, they do forget that I exist but that doesn't mean they don't love me.
So I found my China and restored my peace...for now. So what's your China?
PS:Thanks April and Heather for...well, being another piece of my China. ;-)
My BIL, his mom and sister trekked down to the coast this weekend to dig around the rubble of what used to be his mother's house. The didn't truly expect to find anything other than the concrete pilings but God performs miracles everyday. So, okay, finding her grandmother's fine China intact and unscathed amidst the rubble isn't exactly parting the red sea, but it comes pretty darn close when you expected to find nothing left to show of the life you've lived for the past however many years. She found some other things as well, a bed frame, some other kitchen stuff--I don't even know what all she did find beneath what used to be her house but the idea of digging out your China and finding it in just the pristine condition you left it will stick with me always.
I think life is like that. Storms come through and rip apart your very soul leaving you bleeding and listless and somehow you always manage to find that one part of yourself that remains unscathed and untouched by the rigors of living.
We all live through storms throughout our lives. We lose people that we love. We lose jobs, homes, friends. We get betrayed or kicked down by people who swore we could trust them. Sometimes we even tear ourselves down with self-doubt or self-loathing or regrets that infect us so much so that we feel as though our hearts will never recover.
But it's amazing the way God works to restore just the tiniest bit of faith so that that faith can grow and breath and we live to love another day.
I was so down and out last week for reasons I still can't fathom. I don't think of myself as a depressive person but I many times find myself in the position of feeling worthless and unloved. I've let myself beat me up so much over the years that I allow myself to believe that if I can't stand me no one else can either. On a good day I think I'm brilliant and beautiful and yet on a bad day I think I'm stupid and hideous. I actually convince myself that I am unloveable.
Am I brilliant and beautiful? Not in the least but I'm not stupid and hideous either. I simply am what I am. An average woman with big dreams, a tender heart and few social skills.
So what's my China? You might ask. This time it was spending quality time with my mom. Yeah, the same mom I said I didn't feel loved me. It had been a long while since she and I had spent any amount of quality time together. I see her nearly every day at work but I think sometimes that this keeps us from really seeing each other. Talking. Being mother and daughter instead of coworkers. It detaches us.
Friday she took me to Columbus to see a dentist (who was yummy btw) and after we finished there we decided to have a play day instead of going back to work. We went to lunch and talked...really talked the way we used to. We roamed a couple of stores and chatted about the things that mattered, gossiped about stuff that didn't, and I don't know--bonded. The only time I got snarky with her was when she accused me of being like my dad. I am like him but I like to pretend I'm not. Not that he's bad, per se, but he's exasperating and difficult and has so many hurtful tendencies that I don't want to be compared to him. But I digress.
So I remember that she loves me and I figure, heck, if Mama still loves me surely the rest of the crazy family does too, even if they don't always like me or remember that I'm alive and breathing and living in the boonies.
And it helps that I got to talk a bit with Sis2 and Sis1 has been emailing me. I think sometimes that yeah, they do forget that I exist but that doesn't mean they don't love me.
So I found my China and restored my peace...for now. So what's your China?
PS:Thanks April and Heather for...well, being another piece of my China. ;-)
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