The Story: Part One

So the story of the past two weeks goes something like this: I woke up innocently enough on the 8th. Called in to let my boss know that I would be late coming in because my stupid heater was out and I needed to call the dude to come and fix it. Boss said that's fine. So I'm all bundled up in my sweats and flannel shirt and my thick Taz slipper socks when the heater man gets there. (Actually it's the same dude that works on my air conditioner. He and I are like best buds by now cuz my landlord's too cheap to actually REPLACE anything. But I digress.) So dude is banging around on the heater (a propane space heater) and I'm sitting on the couch, minding my own business watching Regis and Kelly when dude asks for some hot water to do something with the heater. What does hot water have to do with a gas heater and a non working pilot light, I'll never understand. However, this is were my life took a drastic turn...as did my kneecap aka Patella as I've learned to call it. My slippered foot hit the rug in front of the kitchen sink and the rug went one way and my leg went the other and ping there goes my kneecap popping out in places it should never go. Not fun. First of all, it hurts like a son of a biscuit and secondly dude was standing right behind me and I nearly took him down with me. Of course, he was all concerned and I was just half crying "oh crap, oh crap, oh crap" over and over again. You know, I've done the whole "kneecap out of place thing" once before. About 4 years ago, in fact. Back then it was mud and a silly dog that did me in. But last time it popped back into place, I iced it a few days and all was well. This time, not so lucky. I managed to get up from the floor in the kitchen and dude goes ahead and gets the water he was after and I'm limping into the living room. Well, what do you know, that's me landing on the floor again in a screaming fit of pain. *grimace* The kneecap just slid right out again and my leg went right on out from under me. It's as I'm sitting on my living room floor with the heater man feeling up my knee that I realize that this isn't like before. Something is seriously wrong. Dude agrees, tells me I need to see a doctor. So, me being a big mama's baby, I called her. Took me about three tries to track her down but she was on her way. Heater dude had finished his thing with the heater (supposedly fixing it) and I told him to go on and leave. As he left, he wisely told me not to fret to much. That everything happens for a reason. Good advice now but when you're sitting on your living room floor with a rapidly swelling knee and more pain than you care to ever experience again, it was greatly unappreciated. lol Almost exactly 20 minutes later, Mama arrived. Soon as she walked in the door I started crying again because a) something about mommys makes little girls cry harder when they're hurt. A sympathy thing maybe? and b) because I was scared to death I wouldn't be able to get up and walk out of the door to the car. That "kneecap going out as you're walking" thing is some scary stuff and I didn't care to repeat it. But, Mama being Mama, she knew just what to do. Keep my leg straight. She went and found a chair for me to pull myself up on and we managed to get me up and out the door. Getting in the car was yet another hurdle. First thought was to push the front passenger seat back as far as it would go and slide in that way. Nu-uh. My knee tried to bend and "Oh the Agony!" So, then Mama said, "Okay, I'll hold your leg straight while you slide in lengthwise in the backseat. Smart woman, my mother. ;-) From there she rushed me to town, thinking briefly of the emergency room but wisely decided on going straight to the orthopedic clinic. I sat in the car while she went inside and talked to the receptionist about the doctor seeing me. Seemed like forever till she came back with a handful of forms and said that she had managed to finagle me an appointment for 2:00. This was me... =-O lol 2:00 seemed like an awful long time to wait since it was only 11:00 or so at this point. But anyway, I tried not to be ungrateful as I filled out the paperwork. Had to ask my mother what my own telephone number was cuz, yeah. My brain had checked out two seconds after my kneecap popped out of place. lol All that done, we debated what to do till 2:00 and decided that the wisest thing (as opposed to sitting in the car in the parking lot of the doctor's office till then) would be to go get lunch and go back to my house and wait. Food, apparently, is love. At least Mama seems to think so, cuz we went through the Mickey D's drivethru and she got me the chicken BLT Ranch sandwich I'd been craving for weeks. lol It calmed me down enough to realize that...oh no! I haven't shaved my legs in three weeks and the doctor's going to have to look at them! hehehehehe Yeah, back at home, sandwich scarfed, mama filled a bowl with water and helped me shave my hairy legs so that the doctor wouldn't think he was treating a furry pet instead of a woman. Ain't it funny how, even with a knee swollen to the size of a small cantaloupe, feminine pride has you shaving your legs? Finally made it to the doctor though, about 1:30 and then proceeded to wait. Forever. I think it may have been 3:30 when they finally called me back there. Get back there and the (male) nurse asks me "So when did the problem first occur?" I stared at him blankly for a minute or two and I'm thinking WTH? He had to see the look of incredulity on my face. I mean, the dude is looking at my chart as he's asking me this. So I say, as sweetly as possible, "Uh, well, this morning when I slipped on the kitchen rug and the fool thing popped out of place." He nods and says "Okay, raise your pantsleg and let me get a look at it." Had I been of full mind I might have asked him to buy me dinner first. hehehehe But I wasn't and I didn't so I just hiked up my pants leg (Pajamas, I might add. I changed out of the sweats after I shaved my legs.) and he peers at my knee and says, "It's really swollen, huh?" Duh. *rolls eyes* After which he proclaims that Teresa, the x-ray technition, would be with me shortly to take x-rays. Shortly as in twenty minutes shortly. Meanwhile my leg is going to sleep from having to sit on the edge of the seat to keep it straight and my patience is at an all time low. Good thing Mama was in there with me and kept me preoccupied. lol So Teresa comes and gets me for a couple of x-rays and all is well. Those two weren't bad at all. I didn't have to climb up on any tables or anything so that was cool. No, the table climbing debacle would come a few minutes later. The doctor finally comes in with the x-rays and says "Hop up on the table there and let me get a look at you." I eyed the table suspiciously cuz, yeah, it's high and would involve actual climbing. Me climbing with two good legs is dubious at best. Me with one that I really don't want to bend? Fuggetaboutit. I warned him it might get ugly, though, and proceeded to try and climb up on the table. I had every intention, my friends, of keep that knee straight but gravity wouldn't hear about it. Let's just say there was screaming and tearshed and if childbirth is any worse than that you can count me out on the whole procreation bit. Not. Gonna. Happen. *shudder* I should have been embarrassed, I know, but dangit. It hurt! I have to give him credit though. He was really patient and calm and talked me down a bit. He kept saying real soothingly "I've got you. You're okay. Just give it to me." Those are words that have stuck in my head in more ways than one ever since. It almost felt like Jesus was speaking those same words to me. I did give it over to the doctor and Jesus but it still hurt like a son of a biscuit. lol So now he's got my knee bent and dangling over the table and tells me he wants another x-ray and I'm thinking, "Yeah, now that you've got the thing bent you expect me to straighten it again?" I cried some more, made Mama cry and the Teresa, who came to get me for x-ray, just sort of stood there while I panicked trying to figure out how on earth I'm supposed to get OFF this table now without falling flat on my face in a screaming fit. I'm back at the point of thinking I can't walk again so Mama asks Teresa for a wheel chair. Teresa hems and haws a bit but finally goes and gets the wheelchair and ya'll...I think it must have been a child's chair cuz my big butt almost didn't fit. So yeah, I got off the table without falling, thanks to Mama. She held onto me and even though I knew she'd crumple beneath my weight if I fell, somehow just having her arms around me gave me the strength to step down off that table and squeeze my butt into that wheelchair. I have to say though, I actually felt ridiculous with this skinny little chick wheeling me down to x-ray when just minutes before I'd walked there on my own. So this next x-ray is a little more difficult cuz ya'll, I had to bend the knee. I don't know if it was the fact that it had just been bent or what that made the difference but I made it through with no tears and still standing. Then it was back down to the office where I was told by the doctor that an MRI was in order because he found something suspicious on the x-ray. I'm thinking, I just saw an episode of Medium where Allison had to have an MRI and she saw some nasty visions while watching another dude have one. Besides, me and cramped spaces...not so much fun. After that, he sent the male nurse in with a full straight leg brace and told me he'd see me on Monday after the MRI that was scheduled for Friday. So the same male nurse from earlier is putting on the brace and Ugh! the top part almost didn't fit on my fat thigh. So I just had an abundance of humiliations all in one day. I suppose I'll stop here for now and let you digest all the humiliation before I continue. Besides, it's lunch time and though I'm not much for eating these days, I at least need the break from the incessantly ringing telephone. ;-)