Shaking Things Up...Or Not
Okay, so I haven't really spent too much time working on all things I said I wanted to improve in myself. Life has a way of distracting me and well, I'm easily distracted. lol
It seems that I've slipped away from the whole "take charge, and break out of your shell mode" I so desperately wanted when I first started this blog. Not to say that I haven't grown. I have. Some, anyway.
I still find myself trapped by my old fears and insecurities, though. For instance, I haven't tried anything new in a while. Never went to see a movie alone. I've sort of drifted. And forget about learning some social skills. Those still suck.
The thing is, I'm just so awkward most of the time. I never know what to say or how to react and I'm forever getting it wrong. Like today. This morning I went down for coffee, alone this time because my co-workers were either out or busy. Well, the guy that's working down there this week I've "known" him for a few years now. You'd think I'd be able to AT LEAST make small talk with him. So I tried. I said a jaunty good morning and joked about how quiet it was since it's spring break. He joked back and then asked about me. That's when it got awkward. I wasn't sure how to answer and when I did he just sort of looked at me like I was speaking Swahili which, in all truth, I may have been since most of my answer came out sounding like gibberish.
*sigh*
But I tried, dawg-gonnit. lol He may think me a blithering idiot now, but then, he wouldn't be far from the truth most days. :-)
And then there's this guy at work. The grad assistant we've hired for a couple of semesters. And no, I'm not trying to rob the cradle. Not anymore, anyway. I gave that up a couple years back. hehehe No, this guy's at least in his mid-thirties. He's got this gorgeous wavy salt and pepper hair and a really terrific smile when I can coax it out of him. The thing is, I'm usually too tongue tied and slightly "duh-ish" to really try and coax it. I did stop and greet him today, which I'm usually too shy to do, and I think he nearly fell out of his chair. But he did smile. Even chuckled a bit. Now, whether it was a chuckle at the humor of what I said or if it was a chuckle at the complete idiocy of my entire person, who knows? I'm going to choose to pretend he thought I was cute. lol
Not to say that I'm trying to garner a date or even any real sense of attention from either of these men. I'm not. (Well, maybe a little with the grad assistant, but it's never smart to start an office romance. lol) I just wish I could learn how to just relax and be fun. And maybe it's as much the guys as it is me cuz there actually are some people that I can just be silly around and I don't care what they think.
It's just, well, I watch other people and how easy it is for them to just go up to people and start conversations and the person they talked to goes away thinking how great the other person was. And they remember that person. Me, I've worked here for 5 years and there are folks who still stumble over my name. A few, I think, don't even realize I work here! lol
I guess I shouldn't worry on it so much. It isn't as though I enjoy being the center of attention. I don't. I've always sort of enjoyed staying in the background. But sometimes I think how nice it would be to just sort of be comfortable talking to strangers or people I'm just getting to know.
Like the grad assistant.
hehehehehe
It seems that I've slipped away from the whole "take charge, and break out of your shell mode" I so desperately wanted when I first started this blog. Not to say that I haven't grown. I have. Some, anyway.
I still find myself trapped by my old fears and insecurities, though. For instance, I haven't tried anything new in a while. Never went to see a movie alone. I've sort of drifted. And forget about learning some social skills. Those still suck.
The thing is, I'm just so awkward most of the time. I never know what to say or how to react and I'm forever getting it wrong. Like today. This morning I went down for coffee, alone this time because my co-workers were either out or busy. Well, the guy that's working down there this week I've "known" him for a few years now. You'd think I'd be able to AT LEAST make small talk with him. So I tried. I said a jaunty good morning and joked about how quiet it was since it's spring break. He joked back and then asked about me. That's when it got awkward. I wasn't sure how to answer and when I did he just sort of looked at me like I was speaking Swahili which, in all truth, I may have been since most of my answer came out sounding like gibberish.
*sigh*
But I tried, dawg-gonnit. lol He may think me a blithering idiot now, but then, he wouldn't be far from the truth most days. :-)
And then there's this guy at work. The grad assistant we've hired for a couple of semesters. And no, I'm not trying to rob the cradle. Not anymore, anyway. I gave that up a couple years back. hehehe No, this guy's at least in his mid-thirties. He's got this gorgeous wavy salt and pepper hair and a really terrific smile when I can coax it out of him. The thing is, I'm usually too tongue tied and slightly "duh-ish" to really try and coax it. I did stop and greet him today, which I'm usually too shy to do, and I think he nearly fell out of his chair. But he did smile. Even chuckled a bit. Now, whether it was a chuckle at the humor of what I said or if it was a chuckle at the complete idiocy of my entire person, who knows? I'm going to choose to pretend he thought I was cute. lol
Not to say that I'm trying to garner a date or even any real sense of attention from either of these men. I'm not. (Well, maybe a little with the grad assistant, but it's never smart to start an office romance. lol) I just wish I could learn how to just relax and be fun. And maybe it's as much the guys as it is me cuz there actually are some people that I can just be silly around and I don't care what they think.
It's just, well, I watch other people and how easy it is for them to just go up to people and start conversations and the person they talked to goes away thinking how great the other person was. And they remember that person. Me, I've worked here for 5 years and there are folks who still stumble over my name. A few, I think, don't even realize I work here! lol
I guess I shouldn't worry on it so much. It isn't as though I enjoy being the center of attention. I don't. I've always sort of enjoyed staying in the background. But sometimes I think how nice it would be to just sort of be comfortable talking to strangers or people I'm just getting to know.
Like the grad assistant.
hehehehehe
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