Sinking

I've just been tossed out on my ear. No more physical therapy. Well, other than the stupid un-likely excercises they gave me to do at home for the next month. Yeah right. Like I'm disciplined enough to do these at home. It's my lack of discipline that keeps me from doing regular "for my health" excercises.

I'm just so frustrated and upset and GRRRR! I'm so pissed off I could spit and so discouraged that I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for a solid week. And I'm confused because what the doctor told me Wednesday is so at odds with what is happening right now. And just how in hell am I supposed to decide whether I need surgery or not when there's nobody monitoring my progress?

Would it be too much to ask to actually have something I feel comfortable with happening? They take this decision away from me but leave me with the biggie. In what world is that fair?

I guess in a way, I feel betrayed, too. These are the people who are supposed to help me take care of myself. Help me to heal and grow stronger. And well, nuthin'. Just, here's your hat and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

I was so upset and disgusted when I left that forgot to even ask about driving. Not that I feel like I'd trust them right at the this moment to know the correct answer to that. They'd probably say, "Sure. Go 'head." and then I'd get seized by a sharp pain while applying the breaks and cause a major accident.

*sigh* I know I'm over reacting out of fear. I honestly do trust the therapist to do what's right by me. He'd have fought the doctor if he felt it was premature to end PT. I know he would have. But at the same time, nobody asked me what I thought or how I felt about it. No one got my opinion on what I feel my abilities are. I'm the one who has to live with this knee and function with it. It's my life and I'm the one who'll pay the ultimate price if I mess this up.

And I hate that I'm sitting here at work fighting tears. I hate feeling helpless and that's exactly how I feel right now. And I can't even have the good squall I deserve. And I hate that I let this get to me. I should be able to just suck it up like I have everything else and just get the hell over it already.

Sometimes I really wish I were a man. I can't picture any of the men I know getting upset and crying over something like this. In fact, I'm probably the only person on the planet who's actually upset at NOT having to go to PT.

The difference is, I could feel how much good it was doing me. How much progress I was making. And now...I just feel like I've been tossed out to sink or swim and I've never been good at swimming.

Anybody want to toss me a rope here? Didn't think so.

*sigh*