I Think I'm Going Nuts
My skin doesn't seem to suit me anymore. It feels too tight. Too restricting. The very air around me seems to be too thick to breathe. And each day I wake up with this...lethargy. I don't know how else to explain it.
I don't know if it's PMS, the change of the seasons, or merely a big heaping dose of stress that's getting to me. But I just feel strange and out of sorts. Off kilter, if you will.
I don't mean to frighten with this. I don't think it's anything to worry about. It just--is. It is what it is.
The sisters are both coming to town this weekend and I'm finding it difficult to work up any enthusiasm for the visit. For one thing, Sis1 is going to stay with me Friday night. And while I truly don't mind it, I somewhat dread it. The addition of one more soul to look after. One more body to maneuver around. One more person to try and be normal with. I'm also a little stressed at the prospect of continuing my housetraining efforts with Libby while someone else is present. It's both embarrassing and annoying because inevitably there's going to be some criticsizm in my methods (everyone else knows better...and if I thought they did, heck. I'd try it.) and other people always tend to throw us both off our game. (She's making progress though. I'm hoping it won't be too much longer...)
Another thing is, Sis2's birthday gathering is Saturday. Don't get me wrong. I normally enjoy these family occasions. Yes, I gripe about my family but at the end of the day, I truly do adore them. I'm all about my family. But I don't know. Lately their presence seems to make me feel inadequate and small in some way. I'm not sure why or exactly what it is that makes me feel this way. All I know is that it does. Perhaps it's some sort of latent envy or feeling of being left out because they all have and know things that I don't. I'm the odd girl out, so to speak. They all seem to have these regular grown up lives and I come off being the big kid in the bunch. It's silly and stupid to feel that way, I know. And I can't say, entirely truthfully, that any of them deliberatly try and make me feel that way. It's likely more my own brand of insecurity and self-esteem issues than anything else.
Of course, I've always been different from the rest of them. It's difficult to describe in any way that makes sense to anyone but me. I'm not special, by any means. I never stood out acedemically. I suppose it's the dreamer in me. My reluctance to pay too much attention to reality or to focus or express much interest in the things that seem so important to everyone else. And I suppose I set myself apart from everyone else long before now. As I get older, though, it just seems to bother me more. Or something.
I don't know.
Don't mind me. Like I said. I just feel off these days. Maybe next week I'll be back to normal.
Whatever that is.
I don't know if it's PMS, the change of the seasons, or merely a big heaping dose of stress that's getting to me. But I just feel strange and out of sorts. Off kilter, if you will.
I don't mean to frighten with this. I don't think it's anything to worry about. It just--is. It is what it is.
The sisters are both coming to town this weekend and I'm finding it difficult to work up any enthusiasm for the visit. For one thing, Sis1 is going to stay with me Friday night. And while I truly don't mind it, I somewhat dread it. The addition of one more soul to look after. One more body to maneuver around. One more person to try and be normal with. I'm also a little stressed at the prospect of continuing my housetraining efforts with Libby while someone else is present. It's both embarrassing and annoying because inevitably there's going to be some criticsizm in my methods (everyone else knows better...and if I thought they did, heck. I'd try it.) and other people always tend to throw us both off our game. (She's making progress though. I'm hoping it won't be too much longer...)
Another thing is, Sis2's birthday gathering is Saturday. Don't get me wrong. I normally enjoy these family occasions. Yes, I gripe about my family but at the end of the day, I truly do adore them. I'm all about my family. But I don't know. Lately their presence seems to make me feel inadequate and small in some way. I'm not sure why or exactly what it is that makes me feel this way. All I know is that it does. Perhaps it's some sort of latent envy or feeling of being left out because they all have and know things that I don't. I'm the odd girl out, so to speak. They all seem to have these regular grown up lives and I come off being the big kid in the bunch. It's silly and stupid to feel that way, I know. And I can't say, entirely truthfully, that any of them deliberatly try and make me feel that way. It's likely more my own brand of insecurity and self-esteem issues than anything else.
Of course, I've always been different from the rest of them. It's difficult to describe in any way that makes sense to anyone but me. I'm not special, by any means. I never stood out acedemically. I suppose it's the dreamer in me. My reluctance to pay too much attention to reality or to focus or express much interest in the things that seem so important to everyone else. And I suppose I set myself apart from everyone else long before now. As I get older, though, it just seems to bother me more. Or something.
I don't know.
Don't mind me. Like I said. I just feel off these days. Maybe next week I'll be back to normal.
Whatever that is.
Comments
We all feel this way sometimes, and family can bring out the worst of those feelings without even trying or meaning to.