Convicted
I have to say, it’s a funny thing when the Lord convicts you of something. I can’t claim to find myself convicted all that often. Not so that I take notice of it, anyhow. I usually just tend to waffle my way along just letting the world decide things for me. That’s not the way to be, but it’s the way I’ve lived since before I can remember. A by-product of never having been allowed to make decisions for myself early in life.
However, on those rare occasions, I do find myself convicted and boy does it smart. LOL
I know I’ve mentioned the singing thing in here a couple of times. To be honest, when I was (much) younger, I was convinced I was a superstar singer. I come from a family of superstar quality singers and was told from the time I was old enough to read the words from a hymn book that I had talent.
Well, another thing you probably know about me is that I have nearly zero self-esteem or confidence when it comes to me having anything worth while to offer. Yes. I realize this goes against my former belief that I am a superstar singer. But you see, back then, I didn’t know I was worthless. I thought I was special. Life (and outside forces) has a way of telling you and making you believe you aren’t, though.
And so, at some point about five or six years ago, after singing solos and the like in church since I was a mere child, I decided that a.) I can’t sing and b.) everyone was just being nice when they said that I could. So I stopped. It didn’t help that about the same time I was in a crisis of faith in the church system. The church we’d been a member of behaved in an unChrist-like manner and we left, disillusioned. We were without a permanent church home for a long long while. We attended a church, but it wasn’t home.
And then I started watching Amerian Idol, as well. You know, the audition shows? Someone told those folks they could sing. Yeah, some of the worst ones were, I’m sure, a combination of comedic effects facilitated by the producers and the morbid bid for attention from the horrible singers. But there were some that weren’t AWEFUL but weren’t really good either. And SOMEBODY told them they were good enough to sing professionally. That’s when I really started to wonder…Hmm…maybe folks have been blowing smoke up my butt all these years. Trying to make me feel good by LYING to me.
And then there was this one time I sang (the LAST TIME I sang in church) and my aunt made some off hand remark (read: criticism) and that was it. I was done with making a fool of myself. (Okay, so I did give in and sing at my sister’s wedding.)
A few weeks ago, now that I’m very nearly settled into my new (old) church home, my great aunt (the pianist at the church) started asking me to sing. And then Pa-Paw started asking. And then my mom and then THE PREACHER.
So I caved and promised I would.
Except…
*sigh*
I really didn’t want to. And yet, I was really excited about the prospect because I truly do love to sing. As in, I’d sing all day long, seven days a week if I thought I could get away with it. And yet, I really didn’t want to. Considered backing out. Tried making excuses. Even as I ordered the performance tracks to sing with I was battling this excitement/dread.
And then when I got the confirmation email about the performance tracks, they had the wrong shipping address on there. So I thought, well good. I won’t get them and won’t have to worry about it.
And so I started laying the groundwork for getting out of it. I talked to my mom about my doubts. You know, that I really can’t sing. You know what she told me?
Who cares? The Lord commanded us to make a joyful noise to praise, honor and glorify Him. She said that she sings because she loves Him and loves to sing and it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about it. But that if I didn’t really want to, I shouldn’t.
So then I felt like such a bum. You know, I was making it all about me. I told her I wasn’t seeking glory or praise from anyone but you know what? I really was. I enjoyed being fawned over as a kid. How special it made me feel to have people so impressed. I wanted the glory. Still do. But I realized (what I already knew) that it isn’t about me at all. If the Lord wants me to sing, who am I to refuse?
And then, well, we pulled up to my mailbox and what was inside but the performance track CD’s I’d ordered—wrong address on the label but somehow they’d made it to my mailbox anyway.
I’ve been convicted. I will sing again and even if I suck it’s okay because I obeyed my Father. I can’t promise not to be disappointed if I don’t get the glory but as I keep reminding myself and everyone else…I’m only human.
However, on those rare occasions, I do find myself convicted and boy does it smart. LOL
I know I’ve mentioned the singing thing in here a couple of times. To be honest, when I was (much) younger, I was convinced I was a superstar singer. I come from a family of superstar quality singers and was told from the time I was old enough to read the words from a hymn book that I had talent.
Well, another thing you probably know about me is that I have nearly zero self-esteem or confidence when it comes to me having anything worth while to offer. Yes. I realize this goes against my former belief that I am a superstar singer. But you see, back then, I didn’t know I was worthless. I thought I was special. Life (and outside forces) has a way of telling you and making you believe you aren’t, though.
And so, at some point about five or six years ago, after singing solos and the like in church since I was a mere child, I decided that a.) I can’t sing and b.) everyone was just being nice when they said that I could. So I stopped. It didn’t help that about the same time I was in a crisis of faith in the church system. The church we’d been a member of behaved in an unChrist-like manner and we left, disillusioned. We were without a permanent church home for a long long while. We attended a church, but it wasn’t home.
And then I started watching Amerian Idol, as well. You know, the audition shows? Someone told those folks they could sing. Yeah, some of the worst ones were, I’m sure, a combination of comedic effects facilitated by the producers and the morbid bid for attention from the horrible singers. But there were some that weren’t AWEFUL but weren’t really good either. And SOMEBODY told them they were good enough to sing professionally. That’s when I really started to wonder…Hmm…maybe folks have been blowing smoke up my butt all these years. Trying to make me feel good by LYING to me.
And then there was this one time I sang (the LAST TIME I sang in church) and my aunt made some off hand remark (read: criticism) and that was it. I was done with making a fool of myself. (Okay, so I did give in and sing at my sister’s wedding.)
A few weeks ago, now that I’m very nearly settled into my new (old) church home, my great aunt (the pianist at the church) started asking me to sing. And then Pa-Paw started asking. And then my mom and then THE PREACHER.
So I caved and promised I would.
Except…
*sigh*
I really didn’t want to. And yet, I was really excited about the prospect because I truly do love to sing. As in, I’d sing all day long, seven days a week if I thought I could get away with it. And yet, I really didn’t want to. Considered backing out. Tried making excuses. Even as I ordered the performance tracks to sing with I was battling this excitement/dread.
And then when I got the confirmation email about the performance tracks, they had the wrong shipping address on there. So I thought, well good. I won’t get them and won’t have to worry about it.
And so I started laying the groundwork for getting out of it. I talked to my mom about my doubts. You know, that I really can’t sing. You know what she told me?
Who cares? The Lord commanded us to make a joyful noise to praise, honor and glorify Him. She said that she sings because she loves Him and loves to sing and it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about it. But that if I didn’t really want to, I shouldn’t.
So then I felt like such a bum. You know, I was making it all about me. I told her I wasn’t seeking glory or praise from anyone but you know what? I really was. I enjoyed being fawned over as a kid. How special it made me feel to have people so impressed. I wanted the glory. Still do. But I realized (what I already knew) that it isn’t about me at all. If the Lord wants me to sing, who am I to refuse?
And then, well, we pulled up to my mailbox and what was inside but the performance track CD’s I’d ordered—wrong address on the label but somehow they’d made it to my mailbox anyway.
I’ve been convicted. I will sing again and even if I suck it’s okay because I obeyed my Father. I can’t promise not to be disappointed if I don’t get the glory but as I keep reminding myself and everyone else…I’m only human.
Comments
Not anymore, anyway. hehehehehehe