Revelations

You know, I put a lot of crap out there when it comes to Sis1. I badmouth her, go on and on about how I dread her visits, talk about how she annoys me. But you know what? I'm the bitch. She's actually a good sister.

Yeah, she probably wouldn't give me a kidney if I needed one but she'd search high and low for someone who would. lol

I don't know. It just really hit me this weekend. I'm the terrible sister. It's all me. Not to say that she doesn't have any bad qualities. She does. We all do. But I'm worse because I judge her for them. She merely accepts all of mine as being just part of who I am.

And really, a lot of the things that annoy me when it comes to her are things that have nothing to do with her really. It's this nasty little thing called pride. And it's my pride that gets me all up in arms and annoyed and defensive.

I don't have a lot. What I do have isn't by any standards all that great. It's sufficient, yes. I'm thankful that I have it but it's not what normal people desire or would even put up with. It certainly isn't anything like what Sis1 has. And when she's there my pride makes me ashamed of what I have...or rather, what I don't have. And my shame makes me defensive and my defensiveness makes me resentful. Of her. And it isn't her fault.

And I shouldn't be ashamed. The good Lord gave me these things when he could have given me nothing. How self-absorbed, selfish and shallow can I be? Looking around, I know there are people who would be more than thankful...PROUD to have what I have. And most days I am, too. But when she's there, I hate that I don't have the creature comforts she's used to. That I can't provide those things and yes, ashamed. And really, I should be flattered. She has her choice of places to stay when she comes home. Places much more ideal. Places that DO offer those comforts. But she'd rather stay with me because of ME. Not what I can offer her.

And I know in my heart that she would do anything for me if I really needed it and she thought she could provide it. Even though we're so-called adults now, she still watches out for me. A lot of the time, though, I resent even that, though, because it implies that I'm not capable of taking care of myself when in actuality, she's just doing what big sisters do.

I'm the one who needs to let go of my pride. Let go of my shame, defensiveness and resentment. I need to learn to be content and thankful for what I already have. To share it with a joyful heart and not angst because it isn't "good enough."

So the next time I say anything bad about her or dread her visits, remind me of this. Okay?

But on to the weekend, I spent most of Saturday cleaning house. Devil Pup, injured or not, really knows how to make a mess. I had shreds of a cardboard box strewn all over my dining room. Wrapping scraps all over the dining room table along with the abandoned boxes of the last photo project I was working on for Mama. There were leaves tracked all over the living room and kitchen, pieces of twigs that the pup had brought in. Dishes stacked in the sink. The kitchen counter was piled up with bills, statements and other paperwork I needed to file. Just generally a pigsty. And since I was too ashamed for Sis1 to see what a sloth I am, I got busy and got it all cleaned and put away. House doesn't sparkle but it's basically clean now.

She ended up not getting there until around 3:30. Pup and I had already had a nap so we were feeling good. So when Sis1 suggested we go out to eat instead of eating the chili dogs and tator tots I'd proposed fixing I was happy to do so. We went out for fried mushrooms, steak, baked potato and salad. It was entirely too yummy.

We had a good time talking, too. Just hanging out.

You know, another thing that I'm finally figuring out about her--she's just as insecure as I am with a lot of the same self-esteem issues. She shares these same feelings of worthlessness that I often do. I guess I've always known that. I mean, we DID grow up together and we DID get a lot of the same sort of "abuse" though I loathe to use that term. However, that's really the only word I can think of to describe it. And because I've always known it, a part of me resented that she seems to have everything that I ever wanted. You know, we suffered the same things so why does she get everything and I get nothing? *sigh* We're so screwed up. lol

Anyway, after we ate, we went to Cato and I got three new shirts. A blessing, for sure, since I'm certain everyone at work are as tired as I am of the same five shirts I've been wearing. But they were on clearance and while I went in there with no intention of buying and Sis1 DID intend to buy something I was the one who walked out with new stuff. :-P~~

Then we had to *gasp* go to Wal-Mart. Sis1 had to finish up her shopping. We lucked up on something for Goofus (she had no idea what to get him) and something for her dh, as well. I lucked up on a new pair of jeans. Apparently, I thought I had money this weekend? *sigh* But they make my big ol' butt look NICE. hehehehehe I think so, anyway. LOL

When we finally got home, she entertained the pup while I got busy in the kitchen. I was making a dessert, some mini-cheesecakes, to take to church. Those things are simple as can be to make but they are way time consuming. And I even cheated by using the Philidelphia ready to serve cheesecake in a tub! LOL (very good, btw)

I guess we didn't go to bed until after eleven or so. That's like, LATE for me. Then I stayed up a a bit and wrote. Yes. I've started an new WIP. (work in progress, for any non-writers) I actually started it Friday night. I tried to ignore it but these silly characters just would NOT leave me alone. So I dragged out the laptop, dusted it off and then FOUGHT with the "mouse" (it wouldn't click) for about twenty minutes. Then I wrote six pages in like thirty minutes. Wrote two more pages Saturday night. Wrote nothing last night. I was beat.

Anyway, Sunday was the Christmas social at Church. I got up super-early and put together a potato dish and topped my mini-cheesecakes. Half with cherries, half with Heath bar bits. Yum-O.

And--brace yourselves--I sang a solo at church! *gasp* I was so nervous my knees were actually shaking. Started out kind of shaky but I think I finished okay. I did as the Lord commanded and made a joyful noise, anyway. And I'm trying not to care whether it was actually good or not. Oh, but now the preacher says that now that he knows I can sing he expects me to do a solo at least once a month. *groan* The things the Lord gets me into. lol

You know, that's another thing I've been struggling with. Where and how to serve. But that's another post for another day.

I've decided, though, that from now on I'm making recognizable dishes for church socials. Potato Paremsian is too exotic. They don't know what it is so they don't eat it. *sigh* Even the mini-cheesecakes were largely ignored. Again, they didn't know what they were, so they didn't eat them. Well, no one outside of my family, anyway. Emmy ate six of 'em. LOL

Or maybe I won't cook at all. They all still think me a kid and don't expect me to anyway. LOL

But it was fun. Sis2 and Goofus came. They actually came to hear me sing. Pretty neat, huh? I've got a following. Who cares if they're blood/by marriage related to me and therefor bound to at least pretend to enjoy it? hehehehehe

Anyway, it was a good weekend.