Readers Beware
The blogging fool is back.
That would be me.
Did I just hear someone groan? Don't make me come over there.
hehehe
So I totally missed this. Blogging. I blogged a million and ten times in my head at various moments during my absence. Not that there were any brilliant thoughts in there but you know, I had a lot going on that I needed to vent. Not that there was anything BAD, per se. Just a lot going on in my head.
Before I get into all that I have to say first...thanks Latesha, Heather and Kate for the comments. Love ya'll to pieces. Truly. (((warm and fuzzy hugs)))
Now. Back to the drama that is me.
Can I just begin by saying that I'm ever so thankful to the man upstairs that 2007 at least has a fighting chance of being not so horribly terrible? I mean, considering how 2006 started out and all, I sort of expected it to suck monkey butt. But so far '07 hasn't dealt any crushing blows. It's early days yet but I've got my fingers crossed. ;-)
So news, news... I'll try to just hit the highlights and not put anyone to sleep with an essay on How I Spent My Christmas Vacation. Partially because I don't remember everything and partially because I wouldn't want anyone to label this blog as a snoozer. lol
Libby is now splint/cast free. We went on the 22nd to have it removed. She gave one of the techs a bloody nose, pooped on the exam table and had to be put in a headlock/body hold in order to get it off but by golly she's cone (or lampshade as Goofus called it) and splint/cast free. And it only cost me $5! Wha-Hoooo! She's totally fine, now. Walking normally when she isn't tangling her leash around her legs...on purpose, no less. *rolls eyes*
Yeah, I have to take her out on a leash now. In previous months I was able to let her wander around the yard and play and stuff unencumbered. Unfortunately, there's a posse of hooligan terriers who roam and terrorize the neighborhood. Bless pat if they didn't try to lure her to the dark side. Had her playing out in the road about to take off for parts unknown and it was only by the Grace of God that I managed to catch her before she bid me farewell.
So her Christmas prezzie was a new 16ft retractable leash. So far she's having fun discovering the ways and extent as to just how tangled up she can be in it. And retractable leashes are supposed to eliminate the tangling problem. Guess they never anticipated the little evil genius that is the Devil Pup.
A Devil pup, who, btw, is developing quite the rear end. Seriously. Her butt's gotten so broad that my sisters accused her taking after her mama!
Speaking of sisters, though...
Sis2 blessed us with an announcement on Christmas morning. She and Goofus are expecting their first wee one in August! I'm going to be an aunt again.
Now. Don't ask me why I have us a torrent of mixed emotions about this. It is, indeed, a happy occasion and I couldn't be more thrilled for her. She's a natural born mother. Heck. Up until she and Goofus got hitched she mothered ME more than Mama did. She's been mothering everyone else's' babies for decades so it's a sure fire blessing that she's going to give birth to her own.
But...
You knew there was one, right? Because I can't ever just accept things and be happy and not have some sort of angst in everything, right?
*sigh*
The craw isn't that I'm jealous, per se. I don't really want any kids of my own. At one point in my life (a very young and very STUPID point, I might add.) I had the crushing longing to give birth and hold a wee babe in my arms. Then I grew up, helped Sis1 get Emmy through the first three years of life (before they moved to T-town) and realized that motherhood is not exactly anything I'm terribly cut out for. I might change my mind in later years and should I find the exactly perfect hunky for me. But no. At this point in my life I am not jealous or envious of her being pregnant.
I am envious, though, that she is now a part of the club. You know the one. The club for women (and even some men) who have children and share exactly everything about their experiences. They have baby stories. Birthing stories. They get excited over things like prenatal vitamins and diaper genies. They have opinions on Lamaz vs. Epedurals (sp) and they don't mind telling you intimate details of how they got knocked up.
I am not a part of that club. And while I don't necessarily want to BE a part of that club it hurts being left out. Shut out, almost. Because no one's interested in hearing anything a non-mother has to say. They almost literally pat me on the head, roll their eyes in that "she's such a child, bless her heart" manner and edge me out of the conversation.
And I'm hurt because I didn't even know they were trying to get pregnant. They've been trying since spring. Never said a word. Granted, they didn't tell anyone else either but...I thought I wasn't just "everyone else." Was a time when Sis2 and I shared all our secrets. Things we wouldn't tell anyone else, we told each other. And yeah, I know she's got Goofus now and they make these decisions together but since when did your husband get to tell you you couldn't tell your best friend?
And there-in lies the real burr in my saddle. I don't think I'm her best friend anymore. In any capacity.
You know I know that her dh is her best friend but women have best friends beyond their husbands. I thought that I was still it. But I'm not. Because I'm not married. Because I'm not a member of the club. Because I'm just her silly, unfocused, pathetic sister. And I wonder now if I ever truly was her best friend. Looking back, she was always looking for someone else to spend her time with, share her secrets, etc. And while I do have friends beyond her there was never a time when I thought I was stuck having to "settle" for her as my secret sharer. I treasured our bond. Thought it a miracle that not only did I have an awesome sister but that she was my best friend as well. Felt with all my heart that had we not shared the same blood we'd have still been best friends.
I'm thinking it wasn't exactly like that for her. I don't know.
Maybe I just still resent the fact that she carried her butt so far away from me and pretty much abandoned everything and everyone for a man who's given up NOTHING in return. Not so much as a lamp, has he given up. (And yeah, I'm mostly over hating Goofus but there's nothing that says I can't still resent the hell out of him when I let myself.)
But I suppose none of this is about me. It's their life together. And I am happy for her. For them. And even though I know I'll likely never be allowed or graced with the sort of relationship with their baby that I share with Emmy, I am excited at the prospect of another niece or nephew.
Speaking of Emmy, though...lol She was all happy and excited about the baby until she realized that she'd no longer be the center of everyone's universe. lol
And while we're on the subject of being the center of the universe...
I *hate* being center of attention. I sang another solo Sunday night. The church had their 5th Sunday night singing and Pa-Paw decreed that I would sing. I was sort of teetering on the edge of not doing it it regardless of whether or not I disappointed my grandfather. I took my music with me but thought, well, if I don't mention it maybe I won't have to. But the preacher called me out by asking me if I had my music and I couldn't lie. Not in church. So I was the next to last performance. I love to sing but it's so much more fun when I'm doing it at home with just the Devil Pup as an audience. Just...all those eyes on me. Staring. Watching. And I never know what to do with my hands or where to put my eyes so that I don't get distracted or look stupid. Mostly I just hate everyone's eyes on me. Seeing me. I wouldn't mind them hearing me if I were just a voice without a body but standing at the front of the church, there are few places to hide and you can't exactly fade into the wall or hide behind a potted plant or even duck behind someone else. And then I feel all awkward afterward. Sort of like how it must feel the morning after a one night stand. Because I have, in essence, just laid myself bare for all to see. And it's awkward and strange to face them afterward. Will they say anything? Compliment me? Critique me? And what if they don't compliment me? Are they just politely telling me that I suck without having to say a word? And if they do compliment me, how do I respond? Does a simple thank you imply that I know I'm good? Or will they accept it for the polite and shy response that it is?
And none of that should even matter. I don't sing for accolades or attention. I sing because He commanded me to. No, not Pa-paw or the preacher...the big HE up yonder.
And am I so self absorbed that it's all about Jana?
You betcha. That's something I'm coming to realize. I'm horribly and depressingly self-absorbed. Why else would I pontificate endlessly on this blog about me and my insanity? Do I honestly think anyone really cares one way or the other that I am such a loser that I take the joyful news of an impending birth and make it a pity party for myself?
Anyway, onto some more about me...
hehehehehe
So that's about all the highlights I have at the moment. Got the baby news outta the way, Emmy news, Libby news...Yeah, I think that's about it.
Maybe I'll think of more later. You know. On the off chance that ya'll DO like to hear me go on and on and on about myself.
;-)
That would be me.
Did I just hear someone groan? Don't make me come over there.
hehehe
So I totally missed this. Blogging. I blogged a million and ten times in my head at various moments during my absence. Not that there were any brilliant thoughts in there but you know, I had a lot going on that I needed to vent. Not that there was anything BAD, per se. Just a lot going on in my head.
Before I get into all that I have to say first...thanks Latesha, Heather and Kate for the comments. Love ya'll to pieces. Truly. (((warm and fuzzy hugs)))
Now. Back to the drama that is me.
Can I just begin by saying that I'm ever so thankful to the man upstairs that 2007 at least has a fighting chance of being not so horribly terrible? I mean, considering how 2006 started out and all, I sort of expected it to suck monkey butt. But so far '07 hasn't dealt any crushing blows. It's early days yet but I've got my fingers crossed. ;-)
So news, news... I'll try to just hit the highlights and not put anyone to sleep with an essay on How I Spent My Christmas Vacation. Partially because I don't remember everything and partially because I wouldn't want anyone to label this blog as a snoozer. lol
Libby is now splint/cast free. We went on the 22nd to have it removed. She gave one of the techs a bloody nose, pooped on the exam table and had to be put in a headlock/body hold in order to get it off but by golly she's cone (or lampshade as Goofus called it) and splint/cast free. And it only cost me $5! Wha-Hoooo! She's totally fine, now. Walking normally when she isn't tangling her leash around her legs...on purpose, no less. *rolls eyes*
Yeah, I have to take her out on a leash now. In previous months I was able to let her wander around the yard and play and stuff unencumbered. Unfortunately, there's a posse of hooligan terriers who roam and terrorize the neighborhood. Bless pat if they didn't try to lure her to the dark side. Had her playing out in the road about to take off for parts unknown and it was only by the Grace of God that I managed to catch her before she bid me farewell.
So her Christmas prezzie was a new 16ft retractable leash. So far she's having fun discovering the ways and extent as to just how tangled up she can be in it. And retractable leashes are supposed to eliminate the tangling problem. Guess they never anticipated the little evil genius that is the Devil Pup.
A Devil pup, who, btw, is developing quite the rear end. Seriously. Her butt's gotten so broad that my sisters accused her taking after her mama!
Speaking of sisters, though...
Sis2 blessed us with an announcement on Christmas morning. She and Goofus are expecting their first wee one in August! I'm going to be an aunt again.
Now. Don't ask me why I have us a torrent of mixed emotions about this. It is, indeed, a happy occasion and I couldn't be more thrilled for her. She's a natural born mother. Heck. Up until she and Goofus got hitched she mothered ME more than Mama did. She's been mothering everyone else's' babies for decades so it's a sure fire blessing that she's going to give birth to her own.
But...
You knew there was one, right? Because I can't ever just accept things and be happy and not have some sort of angst in everything, right?
*sigh*
The craw isn't that I'm jealous, per se. I don't really want any kids of my own. At one point in my life (a very young and very STUPID point, I might add.) I had the crushing longing to give birth and hold a wee babe in my arms. Then I grew up, helped Sis1 get Emmy through the first three years of life (before they moved to T-town) and realized that motherhood is not exactly anything I'm terribly cut out for. I might change my mind in later years and should I find the exactly perfect hunky for me. But no. At this point in my life I am not jealous or envious of her being pregnant.
I am envious, though, that she is now a part of the club. You know the one. The club for women (and even some men) who have children and share exactly everything about their experiences. They have baby stories. Birthing stories. They get excited over things like prenatal vitamins and diaper genies. They have opinions on Lamaz vs. Epedurals (sp) and they don't mind telling you intimate details of how they got knocked up.
I am not a part of that club. And while I don't necessarily want to BE a part of that club it hurts being left out. Shut out, almost. Because no one's interested in hearing anything a non-mother has to say. They almost literally pat me on the head, roll their eyes in that "she's such a child, bless her heart" manner and edge me out of the conversation.
And I'm hurt because I didn't even know they were trying to get pregnant. They've been trying since spring. Never said a word. Granted, they didn't tell anyone else either but...I thought I wasn't just "everyone else." Was a time when Sis2 and I shared all our secrets. Things we wouldn't tell anyone else, we told each other. And yeah, I know she's got Goofus now and they make these decisions together but since when did your husband get to tell you you couldn't tell your best friend?
And there-in lies the real burr in my saddle. I don't think I'm her best friend anymore. In any capacity.
You know I know that her dh is her best friend but women have best friends beyond their husbands. I thought that I was still it. But I'm not. Because I'm not married. Because I'm not a member of the club. Because I'm just her silly, unfocused, pathetic sister. And I wonder now if I ever truly was her best friend. Looking back, she was always looking for someone else to spend her time with, share her secrets, etc. And while I do have friends beyond her there was never a time when I thought I was stuck having to "settle" for her as my secret sharer. I treasured our bond. Thought it a miracle that not only did I have an awesome sister but that she was my best friend as well. Felt with all my heart that had we not shared the same blood we'd have still been best friends.
I'm thinking it wasn't exactly like that for her. I don't know.
Maybe I just still resent the fact that she carried her butt so far away from me and pretty much abandoned everything and everyone for a man who's given up NOTHING in return. Not so much as a lamp, has he given up. (And yeah, I'm mostly over hating Goofus but there's nothing that says I can't still resent the hell out of him when I let myself.)
But I suppose none of this is about me. It's their life together. And I am happy for her. For them. And even though I know I'll likely never be allowed or graced with the sort of relationship with their baby that I share with Emmy, I am excited at the prospect of another niece or nephew.
Speaking of Emmy, though...lol She was all happy and excited about the baby until she realized that she'd no longer be the center of everyone's universe. lol
And while we're on the subject of being the center of the universe...
I *hate* being center of attention. I sang another solo Sunday night. The church had their 5th Sunday night singing and Pa-Paw decreed that I would sing. I was sort of teetering on the edge of not doing it it regardless of whether or not I disappointed my grandfather. I took my music with me but thought, well, if I don't mention it maybe I won't have to. But the preacher called me out by asking me if I had my music and I couldn't lie. Not in church. So I was the next to last performance. I love to sing but it's so much more fun when I'm doing it at home with just the Devil Pup as an audience. Just...all those eyes on me. Staring. Watching. And I never know what to do with my hands or where to put my eyes so that I don't get distracted or look stupid. Mostly I just hate everyone's eyes on me. Seeing me. I wouldn't mind them hearing me if I were just a voice without a body but standing at the front of the church, there are few places to hide and you can't exactly fade into the wall or hide behind a potted plant or even duck behind someone else. And then I feel all awkward afterward. Sort of like how it must feel the morning after a one night stand. Because I have, in essence, just laid myself bare for all to see. And it's awkward and strange to face them afterward. Will they say anything? Compliment me? Critique me? And what if they don't compliment me? Are they just politely telling me that I suck without having to say a word? And if they do compliment me, how do I respond? Does a simple thank you imply that I know I'm good? Or will they accept it for the polite and shy response that it is?
And none of that should even matter. I don't sing for accolades or attention. I sing because He commanded me to. No, not Pa-paw or the preacher...the big HE up yonder.
And am I so self absorbed that it's all about Jana?
You betcha. That's something I'm coming to realize. I'm horribly and depressingly self-absorbed. Why else would I pontificate endlessly on this blog about me and my insanity? Do I honestly think anyone really cares one way or the other that I am such a loser that I take the joyful news of an impending birth and make it a pity party for myself?
Anyway, onto some more about me...
hehehehehe
So that's about all the highlights I have at the moment. Got the baby news outta the way, Emmy news, Libby news...Yeah, I think that's about it.
Maybe I'll think of more later. You know. On the off chance that ya'll DO like to hear me go on and on and on about myself.
;-)
Comments
All I can say is...try to get over it. If you can't you can whine to me because I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND!
By the way, your prize is out TOMORROW! I know it's a miracle, right? LOL! I didn't even think it'd ever get out. he-he
Latesha~Back to you, sweetie! (((hugs)))
I do understand about feeling left out, though. I'm an aunt to the 17th power now (and seven greats, at last count), but I've not been allowed to be a part of most their lives. Heidi is the only one who really makes an attempt to see we are part of The Bug's life. The others...rarely see of hear about or from them.
Glad to hear Libby is cast free, but somehow not surprised to hear she is back to her trouble-making self. Hehe....
BTW, how DID the solo go? You never said. Oh, and did you wind up keeping the music you didn't like or send it back and order something different?
As for the music...I still have that one song that I don't like but I did order three new ones. All Amy Grant. lol Not that I'm such a fangirl of Amy Grant or anything but these particular songs are lush and lovely and suit my voice almost to a T.
I may still end up sucking it up and working on that song I didn't like. And it isn't that I don't like the song, I just don't really care for the instrumentation. And I'm frustrated because there's no real timing to it. No obvious cues as to the vocal entrance or pace of it. It's just really really hard to learn. And all my singing is done by ear. I can't read a note of music so I count heavily on those instrumental cues that for most songs are easily heard.
But there I go getting long winded again! LOL Sorry. ;-)