Weekend with Jana

I don't know what's gotten into me lately--whether it was the extreme togetherness of the past week or what--but I'm 'bout sick of my entire family. Alyssa excluded, of course. LOL I've been so ill with Mama lately. Everything she says or does is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Seems like anytime her attention lights on me it's in the form of criticsm. I can't do anything right. I'm stupid. Clueless. I can't hold a baby right, take a photograph right or curl Emmy's hair right. I'd even venture to guess that I can't breath right these days. And then she gets all defensive when I get snarky.

And I've been all judgmental on her lately, too. I feel like she's hypocritcal, unkind, ungracious and a little crass. And those are things I'd have never associated with her before. And I'm sure anyone you asked would say I was crazy. But just some of the things she's said or done lately--to me as well as to others--just doesn't sit well with me.

And I know it's probably just me being overly sensative. I feel almost excluded from life. And I hate feeling this way. I've got so much to be thankful for. So many blessings in my life and God has been and always is so merciful to me. And yet I still feel as though I'm empty. As though I have nothing. I feel as though everyone wants me to have nothing. Because I have to share everything. Nothing's really mine. Not my family, my home, my car, my choices and decisions. They all belong to someone else. And when I do try to make something my own it gets taken from me. Because I'm not good enough, responsible enough, worthy of having anything of my own.

And a part of me blames myself because I'm too afraid to really ask for what I want. To demand it. Because even I don't think I'm worthy.

Ugh! This is not going to be one of those woe is me posts. But I had to say it here because I can't really say it anywhere else.

Anyway, despite my angst, I did have a fairly good weekend. Not without it's snafu's but...

Friday afternoon I decided to do my grocery shopping on my way home from work. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten that this was the weekend for the Little Sturgis Bike Rally and wouldn't you know that just as I was trying to get out onto the main highway they had the "Dinner Parade" come through and all traffic entering the highway was stopped while ten miles of bikes passed through on their way to eat. I waited about ten minutes and decided to heck with this. Managed to turn around and went back through campus to get to the by-pass that would take me home. Hallelujah!

Went to visit Miss Alyssa with the rest of the family Saturday. Sis1 , BIL and Emmy came from T-town and spent the night at the folks' house with Daddy. (Mama was still with Sis2) Sis1 had called me Friday night and said that they'd pick me up at my house between 8 and 8:30. So I rush to Wal-Mart at seven for groceries thinking I'd be back in plenty of time. As I'm standing at the check-out at ten to eight Daddy calls wondering where I am. So that's screw up no. 2, even though I technically had enough time. Had they been there when they SAID they'd be there, I would have been right on time.

So I get home and Sis1 has sprayed my kitchen counter with RAID to kill the ants. Never mind that that's where I prepare my food. No. Spray poison. That's a good idea. *sigh* I was aware of the ant problem and had purchased ant bait just that morning. Needless to say Jana was not a happy camper about the spray because it meant I'd have to come home and bleach the countertops.

Once we finally got on the road, we stopped to eat breakfast at this little mom and pop place about twenty minutes into the trip. It's as I'm sitting there waiting on my food that I reach behind me to scratch my back and realize, my baggy shorts have dipped waaaaaaay down and I've been mooning the entire restaurant with my hot pink panties! That's no. 3. Breakfast was good, though. A little on the semi-homemade side but I didn't have to cook it nor did I have to pay for it so it's all good.

Finally get to Sis2's house and I'm in heaven. I only got to steal maybe two ten second snuggles but I guess I'll have to learn to share, right? But wouldn't you know that in the second snuggle I was told I was holding her all wrong. Was Alyssa crying about it? No. She was paying rapt attention to everything I told her and did not give one fig about the "right" way or the "wrong" way I was holding her. I politely excused us to the nursery where we could chat in peace. She's a good listener, that one.

Libby didn't know quite what to think of the squirming little mass everyone was so enamored of. Had it been left up to Goofus, I don't think Libby would've ever even gotten a peak at her. He's so anal. But we wrested Alyssa away from him and let Libby sniff her out. She didn't bother to lick her or scratch her or anything so I don't know why his knickers got in such a twist. I came thisclose to showing him that I DO actually have a temper. But I didn't. I let is slide. He's a nervous first time father. He got a break. This time. Next time he swats at my Libster he gets a fist to his face.

Mama and Goofus's mom (who showed up when she wasn't supposed to) got into it once about dishes and Goofus's mom ended up leaving in a huff. Mama is very proud of herself for behaving like a two year old. At least, that's what I assume since she's so proudly told every person and their brother about it since then.

It was mostly fun, though. Alyssa is a sweetheart, Emmy behaved herself and only got into one snit one time and that was my fault because I deigned to take two seconds to cuddle Alyssa when it was still her turn!

Needless to say, despite the precious baby, I was sick of the whole lot of them by the time we got home. Sis1 was grouchy, Mama was being snotty to me, Daddy was being obnoxious, and Goofus was walking a thin line towards getting his jaw punched. Sis2, Alyssa and Emmy were the only ones I wasn't mentally throttling.

I got back to my house somewhere around 7:30, I think and happily waved them off.

Yesterday I got out to the folks' house around ten and then got suckered into curling Emmy's hair with a curling iron and then Daddy got all pissy with me because we were taking too long in the bathroom.

Him: "Ya'll need to hurry up and get out of the way. You should have started that an hour ago."

Me: "I wasn't here an hour ago."

I barely resisted the urge to stick my tongue out at him. I may be 28 but he'd still whoop my butt if he felt the need to. And I just really didn't need any more excuses or reasons to run away and join the circus, you know? Which, by the time yesterday was over was looking really really good.

I miss preacher man and he isn't even gone yet. He was telling me last night that the library at the seminary is in desperate need of staff and I was thisclose to asking him to take me back with him. lol

My mother has half-way decided that SHE wants to buy Sis2's car so that she'd have a spare in case hers dies. She tells me this yesterday. Actually, no, she didn't even tell me first. She told my aunt on the phone. Then she tells me after she gets off the phone. And she asks, "Or do you really want it?" As though I haven't been talking about it as though it's already mine for the past two weeks. I bit my tongue though and told her that if she wants it so bad she can have it. I'm not fighting her for it. And I won't. Not because I don't want the car but it isn't worth it to me to fight with her about it just to have something that I don't fully believe would ever really be mine anyway. If she wants it so all-fired bad she can have it. I'm sick of struggling and fighting for the least little thing. I'm done with a capital D.

Then Daddy had to go to town to get a new battery for Mama's car and came back all pissed off because she hadn't gone with him. Wouldn't speak to her, would barely speak to me. He treated the dogs with more civility than us and so we left him there and went back to church. And it's as we're having a time of testimony and prayer request that preacher man says, "I don't know why, but I've just had the urge to request that ya'll keep [Mama] and Jana in your prayers this week." I'm like, where did that come from and does this mean that I'm in for an even crappier week? Or maybe he somehow sensed that I was really not feelin' the whole family bond and felt we needed prayer? Either way, it was kinda cool/weird. I've never had anyone just do something like that before.

Anyway, I was glad to see my home last night. Me and Libs passed out on the couch for an episode of Big Love and The 4400 before going to bed.