Frustration
Thy name is Jana.
*sigh*
Sometimes I'd love to just throw my hands up. Wave a white flag. Something. Anything. Nothing and everything is wrong. I counted my blessings while in the elevator yesterday. While they're many, the frustrations are just so much more...frustrating.
For instance, you all know about my battle to lose weight, right? If you don't you've either just started reading this blog or you live under a rock. Either way, here's the scoop. In 2006 and part of 2007 I lost around 40 pounds. (Yeah, and I'm still huge, so you do the math.)
Somewhere along the way in 2007 I plateaued, as is apt to happen. Thing of it is, I never got out of the plateau and in fact despite my best efforts I gained 8lbs of it back over the course of a couple of months. Now it seems my struggle is stuck in reverse. Doesn't matter what I do, how little I eat or how much activity I add to my day it just isn't working. And it's frustrating the hell outta me.
Grrrrrr...
Honestly, if I cut one more thing out of my diet I may as well become anorexic. And that's not an option. My main goal (other than to be able to shop on the "regular" side of the store) is to be healthy. An eating disorder would kinda screw that up, right?
Granted, I do tend to splurge a little on the weekends but it isn't as though I scarf down half of McDonald's menu and wash it down with a half dozen Sonic Milkshakes. No. I might drink a regular Coke or have a dessert. (or both) And on occasion I might go out to eat with family. But I don't understand how two days (or one, as is usually the case) could sabotage me so thoroughly.
I keep wondering if maybe this isn't just the way my body is supposed to be. I'm built to be fat. I've always BEEN fat. Seriously, I was 9lbs 3ozs at birth and just never stopped growing. I've never been thin. Not even as a toddler. I honestly seriously remember never feeling comfortable sitting on people's laps as a kid because I was afraid I'd be too heavy (because the few I'd sat on made such a big deal out of it, you know.) My nickname was, after all, Tank. So maybe this is just who I am and I need to learn to love it or at least get past wanting to change it.
I'm not saying I'll ever give up wanting to be healthy. I actually don't mind eating differently than I used to. I actually feel happier a lot of the time because the food actually tastes better and the rare treat is more special. I'm just so frustrated with the lack of results that maybe it would be better for my mental health if I just stopped caring about the results. It's darned depressing seeing all your hard work, anguish and hunger go for nothing.
*sigh*
Sometimes I'd love to just throw my hands up. Wave a white flag. Something. Anything. Nothing and everything is wrong. I counted my blessings while in the elevator yesterday. While they're many, the frustrations are just so much more...frustrating.
For instance, you all know about my battle to lose weight, right? If you don't you've either just started reading this blog or you live under a rock. Either way, here's the scoop. In 2006 and part of 2007 I lost around 40 pounds. (Yeah, and I'm still huge, so you do the math.)
Somewhere along the way in 2007 I plateaued, as is apt to happen. Thing of it is, I never got out of the plateau and in fact despite my best efforts I gained 8lbs of it back over the course of a couple of months. Now it seems my struggle is stuck in reverse. Doesn't matter what I do, how little I eat or how much activity I add to my day it just isn't working. And it's frustrating the hell outta me.
Grrrrrr...
Honestly, if I cut one more thing out of my diet I may as well become anorexic. And that's not an option. My main goal (other than to be able to shop on the "regular" side of the store) is to be healthy. An eating disorder would kinda screw that up, right?
Granted, I do tend to splurge a little on the weekends but it isn't as though I scarf down half of McDonald's menu and wash it down with a half dozen Sonic Milkshakes. No. I might drink a regular Coke or have a dessert. (or both) And on occasion I might go out to eat with family. But I don't understand how two days (or one, as is usually the case) could sabotage me so thoroughly.
I keep wondering if maybe this isn't just the way my body is supposed to be. I'm built to be fat. I've always BEEN fat. Seriously, I was 9lbs 3ozs at birth and just never stopped growing. I've never been thin. Not even as a toddler. I honestly seriously remember never feeling comfortable sitting on people's laps as a kid because I was afraid I'd be too heavy (because the few I'd sat on made such a big deal out of it, you know.) My nickname was, after all, Tank. So maybe this is just who I am and I need to learn to love it or at least get past wanting to change it.
I'm not saying I'll ever give up wanting to be healthy. I actually don't mind eating differently than I used to. I actually feel happier a lot of the time because the food actually tastes better and the rare treat is more special. I'm just so frustrated with the lack of results that maybe it would be better for my mental health if I just stopped caring about the results. It's darned depressing seeing all your hard work, anguish and hunger go for nothing.
Comments
I remember when I decided to stop drinking pop. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but boy did I feel 100% better! Honestly, if you do drink pop, I'd recommend stopping. It'll be one of the hardest things you've ever done, but once you get all of that sodium & other crap out of your system you'll feel so much better! In fact, I lost almost 10 pounds in a week because I lost all of that bloat.
As for always feeling like a big person, I understand how that goes too. I'll never forget when I was about 10ish my aunt sat on my lap & she wasn't too big! Talk about making me feel like a giant! Sheesh!
If you ever need a cheer buddy, please email me. I'd be more than happy to cheer you on. Remember, though you think you don't eat a lot of fast food or go out to eat very often, you probaly do a LOT more than you think.
Keep a food diary for one week & figure out exactly how much you do eat. It's probably a lot more than you think too. Instead of drinking a pop, get yourself a nice big glass of ice water with lemon or a lime slice. Break it down!
Again hugs & prayers. :) Love you bunches!
~Me
Like Bridget I was going to suggest keeping a food and exercise journal to both keep yourself honest and to figure out where all your calories are coming from.
Completely cutting out soda and caffeine is also a good idea. Yes, I know how much that thought scares you. I also know that while I was able to stop drinking soda cold turkey, it can be difficult for others to do, but -- it truly can make a huge difference.
To be honest, I didn't (and still don't) miss it as much as I thought I might. I replaced the soda with water (and there are some low-cal flavored waters), Milk, and juice (look for 100% fruit juice, not fruit drinks). I also occasionally have lemonade or hot cocoa, but try to limit them due to sugar content.
Something else to consider -- A friend of mine has struggled with weight loss for some years now, and one of her main problems in losing was that her metabolism had completely stopped. In order to jump start her metab, she is supposed to exercise 45 minutes a day, six days a week (and mowing the lawn counts!). You may or may not have the same problem, but it may be worth discussing with your doctor.
Chin up, hon -- we know that if you put your heart and mind to it, you'll surpass that plateau! (((HUGS)))
I really don't want you to give up, you've done a fantastic job! You have the potential, it's there. You wouldn't have gotten this far if you hadn't had it in you. You've just hit a road block. I think you can climb it!
As to the fast food, I really DON'T eat it that often. I know most folks don't believe me when I say that but it's true. I can go MONTHS without eating a single burger or fries and yeah, at times I'll have one or two within days of each other but that's the rare exception. Not the rule. For one thing, I can't afford to eat out that often. For another, it's too inconvenient for me to do so. I don't live in town and I ride to work and home with my mother who doesn't eat out much either. If I eat out I have to make a special effort to do so or it has to be planned in advance. There's no quick "I don't feel like cooking, I'll drive through McDonald's" trips for me. I eat out on birthday's, special occasions, and the odd Saturday that I have to work. (two to three Saturdays a semester.) And trust me, special occasions don't occur that often.
I have, in fact kept a food diary for a while. Not as long as I should, probably, but I have kept one. The only purpose it served was to a)give me false hope and b)depress me further.I'd read all of these success stories about women who'd kept food journals and lost massive amounts of weight in a short amount of time I thought it must be a miracle cure. It wasn't.
Even when I don't keep a food diary, I keep a running tally in my head of how many calories I've consumed. And up until recently (this week) I was very good at resisting the urge to disregard the calorie counting and eat whatever I wanted out of spite. Spite to myself and the world who says that I can't.
Whether I'm sticking within my 1400-1500 calories or not, not a second goes by that I don't realize or think about every morsal, every calorie and every sip that passes my lips. Eating isn't a mindless task for me anymore. I don't shovel down a bag of chips without a thought anymore. If I shovel down a bag of chips, I know exactly what I'm doing and it has nothing to do with mindless eating in front of the television. Make no mistake. I know EXACTLY what I eat and how much.
I remember very clearly the days of mindless eating just because there was nothing better to do. I still struggle every darn day against emotional and boredom eating. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I beat it. But either way I'm very aware of everything that I do. How else can I beat myself up for it later?
Heather~The metabolism thing has crossed my mind. Do you know how daunting the idea of 45 minutes 6 days a week of excercising is? I can barely carve out and last through 10 minutes a day three days a week. Yes, that's how often I've been doing my bike for the past week. I skipped last night because I had a killer headache and was feeling really bitchy toward the whole restrictive eating concept.
Jen~You know, I've been tempted to buy one of those balls but with my track record for klutziness, I'd probably end up in the hospital! lol I do spend a good amount of time dancing. It's one of my favorite things to do (other than eat!)
I appreciate the support and I know ya'll only want to help. I appreciate the effort.
Have you ever had your thyroid checked? Some times it does not work as it is supposed to and that can cause a problem with your metabolism. It is worth having a look at I think. It is a simple blood test, I know my hubby has to take thyroid medicine as his thyroid does not function as it should.
Hang in there honey, we are all here for you.
Cathy
Yes, I do, actually. Do you think I would want to exercise that much? LOL Yes, I have been known to walk several miles in one day in decent weather, but in general...I don't exactly heart exercise. I really need to get the bike out of the basement and tuned up this year! *grimace*
Something else I thought of after posting last night is how well you sleep. There are sleep conditions that can contribute to an inability to lose weight, including sleep apnea (which heavy snorers are especially prone to).
I know that in previous attempts to lose weight I always was so anal about everything & was constantly aware of what I was eating, how much, when, etc. It got to the point where I drove myself nuts.
This time around I'm being smart (I think & hope). Instead of cutting things off completely, I've cut back. Instead of eating an entire bag of Doritos (which I used to do...a LOT), I'll take a bag & split it in quarters. I put each quarter in a little sandwich bag & then have take the small bag with me to work. This isn't one of those huge bags of Doritoes either. I'm talking the 99 cent ones.
Also, instead of eating any big meals I'm more grazing. I'll eat a handful of granola or carrot sticks all throughout the day. No big meals for me anymore. I'm learning that I'm not hungry anymore.
Also, I'm a major emotional eater. It started when I was probably in 7th grade & just kept going. *sigh* Now instead of eating when I get stressed out, I go talk to a friend or my mom. Get all that nonsense out of my system right then & there. :)
I still fail. The other day was extremely anxiety filled, so I found myself eating a lot more than usual. So the last few days I've cut back.
It's not easy & it's not simple. Again, hugs on your continued struggle & remember I'm going thru it too. :) Email me if you feel discouraged. I'll be that shoulder you need. :) Love you, bud!
Aunt B~I do need to have my thyroid checked since those problems run in my family, too. I haven't exhibited any of the symptoms but you never know.
Heather~I don't sleep all that great, actually. I don't think I have apnea since I don't snore(no one's ever said I do, anyway) but I'm a very restless sleeper. Last night was torture. Maybe I do need to lay off the caffiene for a while...
Anyway, I've just been in this funk. Hopefully it'll even out soon.