Can I get a "Woot woot!"
*singing* It's Friday! It's Friday!
hehehehe
God bless this long tiring week. Finally...FINALLY...it's over. And God is SOOOO good.
Let's just say He answered a major prayer for me last night and I'm ever-so-thankful. :-)
I bought Taylor Swift's CD last weekend. I know, I know, it's been out FOREVER and I hadn't really planned on ever buying it. Not because I don't like her music but because I didn't think I liked her enough to spend my hard earned...err...well, my cash on her. hehehe At least, not until I heard the song "Shoulda Said No." Emmy and I fell in love with it when we heard it back in June. I knew then that I had to have the CD (because Jana's still backassward when it comes to technology the likes of musical downloading).
Soooo, since last weekend was Alyssa's birthday I knew I wanted to get Emmy something so maybe she wouldn't be all that terribly jealous of Alyssa getting gifts. (Hey, she's nine. It's normal, right?) Made sense to me to get Emmy the CD and since I wanted one, too, I got us both one.
Emmy hugged me and called me her favorite aunt. Always bonus.
Well, last night I finally got around to listening to the whole thing. (You know, cause I kept repeating that one song? hehehe) I found my new theme song. Yay!
What? Not everyone has their own theme songs?
I've gone through a few this year...or the past couple of years, anyway. Most of them were Kelly Clarkson songs. Because of You, Hear Me, Breakaway, Maybe...etc, etc. This one, though, A Place in This World, is sort of empowering in the sense that it's okay to be alone. It's okay to make mistakes and it's okay to have no idea what you want or where you're going with your life. It goes something like:
I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do
[Chorus:]
I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
Oh, I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world
Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feelin' lucky today, got the sunshine
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah
But that's ok
[Repeat Chorus]
I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
Oh, I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world
Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission
But I'm ready to fly
I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
Oh, I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world
Yeah, yeah, I'm a goof but you know, music is like air to me. It's bigger than books and THAT'S major. Sometimes (and I'm sure this happens with a lot of people) I hear a song and...I don't know. It's like the song hits me square between the eyes and it's like it was written for me. Not FOR ME, for me...but, you know, it's something that I needed to hear. Or I learn something about myself from it. Sometimes a song can better express what I'm feeling before I'm even sure what it is I'm feeling.
And I don't know, the past couple of years I just feel like I've been floundering. Searching for something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. For so long I focused on the idea of love and marriage and all that. And I'm still uncertain that I'm ready to close the book on those particular longings but I feel stronger now. Not so much like it's something that I HAVE to have.
Looking back, I think I wanted it for all the wrong reasons. I wanted someone to take care of me because I got tired of taking care of myself. I wanted someone to do the heavy lifting, to clean up the messiness of life. And boy isn't that an awful lot of crap to unload on another person? Thankfully, God was faithful and kept it out of my reach.
Now, if I'm being entirely honest (and I need to be) the very thought of sharing my life with another soul scares the ever lovin' crap outta me. Seriously.
I mean, so long as it's this distant dream--this idea--it's perfectly safe. But holy smokes! When faced with the reality I nearly pee my pants. Not that MM was offering me any wedding rings but I guess what freaked me out the most about him was the thought that he wanted in my space. He wanted to burst into this tiny little world I've built for myself. My safe little hermit world was threatened and ya'll--as yucked out as I was by his advances, I was even more frightened by the idea that hey, if THIS dude thinks I'm (I don't want to day dateable 'cause I don't think that's what he was after) good enough to sleep with there might actually be someone better out there who might want to--*gulp*--date me. Or *double gulp* marry me.
And THAT had me shaking to the point of almost puking my guts out.
How is it that something I thought I wanted so badly could frighten me that much? Am I insane? Or just so confused that (to borrow a line from Steel Magnolias) I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt?
Is this normal? At all?
*sigh*
I don't know.
My whole life I've been a loner. I like being alone. I get claustrophobic when around people for long stretches. Living at home with my folks? Ugh! Nearly drove me over the edge. Seriously. Close to the end there before I moved out I was seriously considering suicide. And I'm not being flip. That's the God's honest truth. (and probably TMI, right?) And my parents are great. Pains in the butt at times, but they love me.
And now...gosh, now I've been alone so long that I have no idea what I was thinking wanting a husband and kids. Well, maybe not so much the kids. I'm even more on the fence about THAT than I am the husband thing. But how could I think that I could even live with a man, much less trust him enough to depend on him?
What's really a kick in the head, though, is that I do all this angsting about it and you know what? It'll probably never happen anyway. It's like, I can hear God laughing, thinking, "What is she wasting her time worrying about it for? She's never gettin' married!"
*sigh*
I suppose what's got me re-evaluating all this (beyond the song and last week's experience) is all the change that's happened this year. Self-inflicted change. New car, new home. Even a new look. It was a big honkin' step for me to push myself out of my comfort zone and into a new apartment. It's such an alien environment for me. Hermit girls do NOT flourish well in the city.
And maybe even having Sis2 back has shaken me a bit. As overjoyed as I am at having her back home it's a little scary, too. Because people are slowly starting to trickle into my little cocoon where for a long while there were none. (none in the flesh, anyway!)
In a lot of ways I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum from when I first started this blog three years ago. If you recall, I was going through a lot of change then, too. Except then, people were exiting my life. Sis2 had just recently married and moved away. Have I grown at all since then? Or just changed the things that needed growing?
At any rate, I think I'm okay with being confused. With not knowing. It leaves so much more space open to find whatever it is that's out there for me to find. And I think that's the point of my heart discovering that song. I'm alone. On my own. And that IS all I know. I'm stronger than I thought I was and Lord knows I'll make mistakes. But the world doesn't end just because Jana fumbles around stubbing her toe in the dark. Half the fun of life is in the searching, right?
hehehehe
God bless this long tiring week. Finally...FINALLY...it's over. And God is SOOOO good.
Let's just say He answered a major prayer for me last night and I'm ever-so-thankful. :-)
I bought Taylor Swift's CD last weekend. I know, I know, it's been out FOREVER and I hadn't really planned on ever buying it. Not because I don't like her music but because I didn't think I liked her enough to spend my hard earned...err...well, my cash on her. hehehe At least, not until I heard the song "Shoulda Said No." Emmy and I fell in love with it when we heard it back in June. I knew then that I had to have the CD (because Jana's still backassward when it comes to technology the likes of musical downloading).
Soooo, since last weekend was Alyssa's birthday I knew I wanted to get Emmy something so maybe she wouldn't be all that terribly jealous of Alyssa getting gifts. (Hey, she's nine. It's normal, right?) Made sense to me to get Emmy the CD and since I wanted one, too, I got us both one.
Emmy hugged me and called me her favorite aunt. Always bonus.
Well, last night I finally got around to listening to the whole thing. (You know, cause I kept repeating that one song? hehehe) I found my new theme song. Yay!
What? Not everyone has their own theme songs?
I've gone through a few this year...or the past couple of years, anyway. Most of them were Kelly Clarkson songs. Because of You, Hear Me, Breakaway, Maybe...etc, etc. This one, though, A Place in This World, is sort of empowering in the sense that it's okay to be alone. It's okay to make mistakes and it's okay to have no idea what you want or where you're going with your life. It goes something like:
I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do
[Chorus:]
I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
Oh, I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world
Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feelin' lucky today, got the sunshine
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah
But that's ok
[Repeat Chorus]
I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
Oh, I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world
Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission
But I'm ready to fly
I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
Oh, I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world
Yeah, yeah, I'm a goof but you know, music is like air to me. It's bigger than books and THAT'S major. Sometimes (and I'm sure this happens with a lot of people) I hear a song and...I don't know. It's like the song hits me square between the eyes and it's like it was written for me. Not FOR ME, for me...but, you know, it's something that I needed to hear. Or I learn something about myself from it. Sometimes a song can better express what I'm feeling before I'm even sure what it is I'm feeling.
And I don't know, the past couple of years I just feel like I've been floundering. Searching for something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. For so long I focused on the idea of love and marriage and all that. And I'm still uncertain that I'm ready to close the book on those particular longings but I feel stronger now. Not so much like it's something that I HAVE to have.
Looking back, I think I wanted it for all the wrong reasons. I wanted someone to take care of me because I got tired of taking care of myself. I wanted someone to do the heavy lifting, to clean up the messiness of life. And boy isn't that an awful lot of crap to unload on another person? Thankfully, God was faithful and kept it out of my reach.
Now, if I'm being entirely honest (and I need to be) the very thought of sharing my life with another soul scares the ever lovin' crap outta me. Seriously.
I mean, so long as it's this distant dream--this idea--it's perfectly safe. But holy smokes! When faced with the reality I nearly pee my pants. Not that MM was offering me any wedding rings but I guess what freaked me out the most about him was the thought that he wanted in my space. He wanted to burst into this tiny little world I've built for myself. My safe little hermit world was threatened and ya'll--as yucked out as I was by his advances, I was even more frightened by the idea that hey, if THIS dude thinks I'm (I don't want to day dateable 'cause I don't think that's what he was after) good enough to sleep with there might actually be someone better out there who might want to--*gulp*--date me. Or *double gulp* marry me.
And THAT had me shaking to the point of almost puking my guts out.
How is it that something I thought I wanted so badly could frighten me that much? Am I insane? Or just so confused that (to borrow a line from Steel Magnolias) I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt?
Is this normal? At all?
*sigh*
I don't know.
My whole life I've been a loner. I like being alone. I get claustrophobic when around people for long stretches. Living at home with my folks? Ugh! Nearly drove me over the edge. Seriously. Close to the end there before I moved out I was seriously considering suicide. And I'm not being flip. That's the God's honest truth. (and probably TMI, right?) And my parents are great. Pains in the butt at times, but they love me.
And now...gosh, now I've been alone so long that I have no idea what I was thinking wanting a husband and kids. Well, maybe not so much the kids. I'm even more on the fence about THAT than I am the husband thing. But how could I think that I could even live with a man, much less trust him enough to depend on him?
What's really a kick in the head, though, is that I do all this angsting about it and you know what? It'll probably never happen anyway. It's like, I can hear God laughing, thinking, "What is she wasting her time worrying about it for? She's never gettin' married!"
*sigh*
I suppose what's got me re-evaluating all this (beyond the song and last week's experience) is all the change that's happened this year. Self-inflicted change. New car, new home. Even a new look. It was a big honkin' step for me to push myself out of my comfort zone and into a new apartment. It's such an alien environment for me. Hermit girls do NOT flourish well in the city.
And maybe even having Sis2 back has shaken me a bit. As overjoyed as I am at having her back home it's a little scary, too. Because people are slowly starting to trickle into my little cocoon where for a long while there were none. (none in the flesh, anyway!)
In a lot of ways I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum from when I first started this blog three years ago. If you recall, I was going through a lot of change then, too. Except then, people were exiting my life. Sis2 had just recently married and moved away. Have I grown at all since then? Or just changed the things that needed growing?
At any rate, I think I'm okay with being confused. With not knowing. It leaves so much more space open to find whatever it is that's out there for me to find. And I think that's the point of my heart discovering that song. I'm alone. On my own. And that IS all I know. I'm stronger than I thought I was and Lord knows I'll make mistakes. But the world doesn't end just because Jana fumbles around stubbing her toe in the dark. Half the fun of life is in the searching, right?
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