Head in Sand Time

Whoo boy, if ever I wanted to be an ostrich, this is it.

I got my mortgage application in the mail yesterday. Yeah. It's intimidating as all heck and I'd rather jab my own toe with a hot poker than sit down and start working on it but jabbing my toe with a hot poker won't get me a new house.

*sigh*

Honestly, I'll say this upfront: I have no idea what I'm doing.

Months of research and years of dreaming could not prepare me for the scary pit in my stomach of fear that is taking me over this very second. Can I really do this? No, can I REALLY freaking DO this?

I know it's physically possible. Folks buy houses and survive all the time, right? Folks as poor or poorer than me. It can't be that hard really. But sheesh, it sure feels like it. I can see my suddenly meager looking savings frittering away on things like credit reports, appraisals, title insurance (I didn't even know there WAS such a thing!) etc. And honestly, not having my savings scares me more than dancing naked in church. My savings is my SAFETY. It's my safe place to land in case something goes south. Need new tires? Good thing I have savings! Only now, it's looking like not so much. *sob*

And do I REALLY want to make this commitment? I mean, really, how crappy has my landlord actually been? Uh, yeah. Never mind. But will taking care of maintenance issues be that much less stressful when I'm the one paying the bill for it?

I have all these thoughts rolling around in my head. Constantly. Worry and fear have become my constant companions. We're like thisclose. And I hate them. Cause see, here's the thing. I KNOW it'll all work out if it's mean to. I know this deep down in my heart. I know it. I believe it with all that I am. Things will work out. God will not forsake me now after all the hard work He put into setting me on this path.

And I truly believe He put me on this path. I mean, I've often dreamed of home ownership over the years. Thought about it, halfway planned. I even almost set things in motion to get it started. But none of those times were right and I knew it. I wasn't ready then. I wasn't ready financially, emotionally or physically. I just wasn't. Now, I am. I just wish my stupid HEAD could figure out what my heart already knows.

I think all my anxiety is messing with the Devil Pup, too. I can't decide if she senses it or if she's just becoming a pain in the butt. The last several nights she's woken me up on several occasions. Mostly, I thought, to go outside. Never mind that she normally holds it all night without a problem. But then last night she woke me up about an hour after we went to bed. I let her whine for a good 20 minutes or so because DANGIT! I need sleep! When I finally got up and let her out of her crate, she's all happy and runs and jumps into my bed. She's ready to play!

It kinda pissed me off but in the back of my mind I had to wonder, does she sense my anxiety and it's causing her fear as well? So I snuggled her, kissed her and put her back to bed and she was fine the rest of the night.

And I guess maybe that's what I need right now. Someone to snuggle me, hold my hand and tell me it's going to be alright. Life has a way of taking care of itself and if it's not meant to be it won't happen.

I don't know what I'll do with myself if it ISN'T meant to be. You know, because I think my entire neighborhood is conspiring to drive me bananas.