Can I Vent?
Heck, it's my blog. I can vent if I want to. If you don't want to read self-pitying irrational remarks stop reading now.
Have you stopped yet?
How 'bout now?
So if you haven't stopped by now, be warned. I'm going to whine and let some inner demons show. 'kay? This might fall under "Things you never wanted to know about another person" or "I wish she'd just get over herself already."
Here goes...
So I didn't realize until just now that I'm still irrationally angry with my mother about something she said this morning. And I know she didn't mean anything when she said it. I don't even think she realized that it might hurt my feelings. And if I weren't such a self-esteem riddled mess, it might not have bothered me at all. But I am a self-esteem riddled mess so I kinda took it personally.
What did she say? Well, if I tell you, you have to promise not to get all snotty about my mama 'cause she's still my mama and I love her. Deal?
Okay so, she and I were talking about Sis2's current situation. Her doctor has suggested that it might be a good idea for her to have her tubes tied after they've delivered the newest baby via c-section. Doctor seems to think that with the problems Sis2 has had and her age (and the fact that they don't like to do too many c-sections on a gal) that it would be in Sis2's best interest to not have anymore children. Sis2 is undecided about this decision because she's afraid she might change her mind and want another child someday.
My mother is pro tubal ligation, as am I. I would love another niece or nephew but not at the risk of losing my sister. In the course of this conversation my mother mentions that she had really wanted to have her tubes tied after Sis2 was born because she didn't want to have anymore children. But because my dad was pushing to have a son, she relented and didn't. And then, as you all might recall, I was accidentally conceived a few months after Sis2 was born.
Hello. So I'm an unwanted, accidental, disappointment. Nice.
And I'm sure she didn't mean it that way. 95% sure, anyway. I mean, I'd always had it drilled into me since practically birth that I was an accident and supposed to have been a boy, but this is the first I heard about being unwanted. And I know I'm being irrational. Probably being irrational, but it slammed me square in the gut.
And I know my mother loves me. I've never doubted that. So it's not like she didn't want me after I was conceived. And it wasn't anything personal against me particularly, why she didn't want to have anymore kids. So I feel ridiculous feeling so hurt and angry with her.
I really thought I'd brushed it off after we got to work and I got to the office. I was feeling pretty good. Tired, but I wasn't feeling crappy. But then when I saw her at lunch just now, it came back. This hurt and anger and whatever else it is that made me unable to really even look at her.
And then, to make matters worse, she pulled one of her usual habitually annoying things where she deliberately misunderstood what I was saying just so she could tease me about my word choice and make me look stupid. Because, you know, I can't possibly participate in an adult conversation.
It's annoying and hurtful enough to do that when it's just us, but to do so in front of our co-workers...my peers...people who's respect I'd like to maintain...*shakes head* It's humiliating and belittling. And again, I don't think she meant it to be humiliating or belittling. Or maybe she did. I don't know. I don't know anything about anything anymore.
All I do know is that I'm really out of sorts with her right now and I hate feeling that way. I especially hate it because I DO love her so much. I've always been a mama's girl. In a lot of ways, I think I seek her approval a million times more than I do my dad's. I gave up on him YEARS ago. Nobody can make me second guess myself more than she can.
But there's no taking a break from her because of the weekend's plans. And I really need to not see her right now because I don't want to say anything about why I'm feeling like I'm feeling or for her to even know that I'm feeling this way.
Some days I really just hate my life. Can I be someone else for a while? Even for maybe just five minutes?
*sigh*
Have you stopped yet?
How 'bout now?
So if you haven't stopped by now, be warned. I'm going to whine and let some inner demons show. 'kay? This might fall under "Things you never wanted to know about another person" or "I wish she'd just get over herself already."
Here goes...
So I didn't realize until just now that I'm still irrationally angry with my mother about something she said this morning. And I know she didn't mean anything when she said it. I don't even think she realized that it might hurt my feelings. And if I weren't such a self-esteem riddled mess, it might not have bothered me at all. But I am a self-esteem riddled mess so I kinda took it personally.
What did she say? Well, if I tell you, you have to promise not to get all snotty about my mama 'cause she's still my mama and I love her. Deal?
Okay so, she and I were talking about Sis2's current situation. Her doctor has suggested that it might be a good idea for her to have her tubes tied after they've delivered the newest baby via c-section. Doctor seems to think that with the problems Sis2 has had and her age (and the fact that they don't like to do too many c-sections on a gal) that it would be in Sis2's best interest to not have anymore children. Sis2 is undecided about this decision because she's afraid she might change her mind and want another child someday.
My mother is pro tubal ligation, as am I. I would love another niece or nephew but not at the risk of losing my sister. In the course of this conversation my mother mentions that she had really wanted to have her tubes tied after Sis2 was born because she didn't want to have anymore children. But because my dad was pushing to have a son, she relented and didn't. And then, as you all might recall, I was accidentally conceived a few months after Sis2 was born.
Hello. So I'm an unwanted, accidental, disappointment. Nice.
And I'm sure she didn't mean it that way. 95% sure, anyway. I mean, I'd always had it drilled into me since practically birth that I was an accident and supposed to have been a boy, but this is the first I heard about being unwanted. And I know I'm being irrational. Probably being irrational, but it slammed me square in the gut.
And I know my mother loves me. I've never doubted that. So it's not like she didn't want me after I was conceived. And it wasn't anything personal against me particularly, why she didn't want to have anymore kids. So I feel ridiculous feeling so hurt and angry with her.
I really thought I'd brushed it off after we got to work and I got to the office. I was feeling pretty good. Tired, but I wasn't feeling crappy. But then when I saw her at lunch just now, it came back. This hurt and anger and whatever else it is that made me unable to really even look at her.
And then, to make matters worse, she pulled one of her usual habitually annoying things where she deliberately misunderstood what I was saying just so she could tease me about my word choice and make me look stupid. Because, you know, I can't possibly participate in an adult conversation.
It's annoying and hurtful enough to do that when it's just us, but to do so in front of our co-workers...my peers...people who's respect I'd like to maintain...*shakes head* It's humiliating and belittling. And again, I don't think she meant it to be humiliating or belittling. Or maybe she did. I don't know. I don't know anything about anything anymore.
All I do know is that I'm really out of sorts with her right now and I hate feeling that way. I especially hate it because I DO love her so much. I've always been a mama's girl. In a lot of ways, I think I seek her approval a million times more than I do my dad's. I gave up on him YEARS ago. Nobody can make me second guess myself more than she can.
But there's no taking a break from her because of the weekend's plans. And I really need to not see her right now because I don't want to say anything about why I'm feeling like I'm feeling or for her to even know that I'm feeling this way.
Some days I really just hate my life. Can I be someone else for a while? Even for maybe just five minutes?
*sigh*
Comments
*HUGS*