I Wonder

You may already know this about me, but I have a slight fascination with things that go bump in the night. Hence my love for the series Ghost Hunters and ghostly movies. (And TV shows like A Haunting.) And you may recall the story of the ghost I felt I lived with for seven years.

And sometimes I feel like it's ME that's haunted, and not necessarily the places I've lived. Because I never told ya'll this, but not long after I moved into the apartment last year, I had an experience very similar to the sort of experiences I had at the old lake house. The being woken in the middle of the night by a heavy presence looming over me, the bed shaking and once I SWEAR I heard someone giggle, though I wasn't certain if it were a supernatural being or some kids outside my bedroom window. But it was only the once and it scared me just a wee bit.

And then, not too long ago, I experienced the same sort of experience at my new house. The bed indenting as though someone had just sat down, the heavy presence, though not so smothering as it normally is. And at times, just the very real sense that I'm not entirely alone. Most of the time though, I don't feel those things at all. So it could be that I've just always suffered from the occasional night terror. *shrugs*

However I do still wonder if spirits are allowed to walk the earth sometimes. As a Christian I've always struggled with this concept because at my very core, I believe that once a person dies, their soul or spirit ascends or descends to where it's supposed to go. Hence the comforting words of "He's in a much better place now," that were uttered to me so very often after Paw-Paw died.

And yet, in the back of my mind, I know that what I've experienced is only vaguely similar to the phenomenon of night terrors--mostly in the sense that it has all occurred at night when I'm either asleep or on the verge of sleep. But I've lived with it so long now, I hardly ever think about it.

But here's a couple things that's got me really thinking about spirits...

The morning that Paw-Paw died, we'd all gathered at his house to say our goodbyes because all the signs pointed to his passing being soon. Emmy and I had just moments before been in his room, holding his hand and trying to keep it all together because we'd been told to not break down in front of Granny. Daddy came in the room and for whatever reason told us to get out. I don't know if he sensed that Paw-paw was about to go or if he knew it was too much for me to not break down or what, exactly. I haven't ever asked him. Mostly because I'm still a little angry about it.

At the time, I was really hurt and angry about it and tired of not being allowed to cry so I escaped to the front porch. The morning was one of those really muggy hot September days. Not usually the kind of day I'd like to sit out on the porch but I just really needed to cry and talk to God and try not to be too angry at Daddy.

I'd been out there for maybe ten or fifteen minutes, crying and praying and this breeze, just from out of nowhere, swept across the porch and I remember thinking what a relief it was because it was getting hot out there. And I didn't know it at the time and wouldn't really think about it until much later, but it was while I was sitting out on that front porch praying and talking to God, that breeze randomly blowing across my face, that Paw-Paw passed away.

Now I don't know and probably never will know, if that breeze hit at the exact moment or even near the moment he actually died but I can't help but wonder if that was him telling me good-bye. I never caught another breeze that day and it only got hotter, not cooler. When the memory first occurred to me, I kept thinking what a sweet idea it was. That he'd breezed across that porch and touched my face on his way to Heaven.

But now I wonder if he isn't still with us some way.

Saturday while Sis2, Goofus and Lyssa were at the folks' house, Lyssa dragged me down to the swing set to swing. We'd been out there for maybe five or so minutes, her swinging and me pushing and getting eat up by mosquitoes and ants. The strangest things started happening. Not necessarily with me, but with Lyssa. She suddenly looked up and just started laughing and giggling the way she does when someone is standing in front of her playing at catching her feet while she swings. And then she started laughing and talking as though someone were standing in front of her. She even squealed a laugh a time or two. And I promise you, I was doing nothing but standing behind her pushing the swing. She waved and laughed and talked and I asked her a few times, "Lyssa, is there someone there that I can't see," and she'd stop mid sentence and say "Noooo" in that annoyed way toddlers do then go back to laughing and talking. She even held her fists out the way you do when "fist bumping" and just laughed. Then all of a sudden she turned to look behind her and just watched and watched the woods behind us until whatever she was watching had gone. She stopped laughing, stopped talking and finally started paying attention to me, instead of air in front of her.

I just had this odd sensation that there WAS someone there that I couldn't see, but she could, and whoever it was was playing with her. And at the time, it being Paw-Paw never even entered my mind. I just thought, you know, we're at the edge of the woods and who knows if these woods are haunted. And kids, they say, can see ghosts.

But when we finally went in the house, I was telling Sis2 and Mama about it and Sis2 looks up and says, "You know, she's been calling for Paw-Paw a lot lately. I thought maybe she just liked saying the word or something. You think...?"

So I wonder...Is he still here? Has he been visiting Lyssa? Perhaps waiting to see the new baby born or something?

And while you'd think having him here would be a comfort...you know, that's what a lot of the characters on Ghost Whisperer always say, "I'm not ready for him/her to go" the greatest comfort about him passing was the knowledge that he was in Heaven with our Father. No longer in pain. No longer concerned about this world. If he's still here, that means he's not there. And I'd rather have him with our Father than here but not here where I can hear his voice, see his face and hug him.

So I'm trying not to think too heavily about it. Praying that his soul is indeed in Heaven with the father. But, if it wasn't him...who WAS Lyssa playing with at the swing set?