He Speaks

I often times wonder, "What am I here for? What's my purpose in life?" It's the kind of conversation I have with myself and with my God all the time. Sometimes I feel like I'm merely taking up space. I don't contribute anything, I don't do anything. I just feel wretchedly useless. I've long waited for an answer, though I know a lot of folks would say to me, "I'm sure you contribute more than you know."

Maybe I do and maybe I don't. I don't really know. But more often than not, I don't feel as though I serve any purpose. That the world wouldn't suffer if I never existed.

Now, this isn't one of those, "Woe is me, I'm so depressed" posts, though ya'll know I can knock some of those out fairly easily, too. It's no secret that I suffer from bouts of depression. But this isn't one of those instances. Today, I got my answer!

When I got out of bed this morning, my first thought was, "Why should I get up? Why am I even here?" And before I could get across the room to the bathroom, I heard an answer. No, there were no burning bushes nearby. And I'm not hearing voices. But I heard my answer none-the-less. It came to me in the form of a movie quote. And I know that sounds lame, but I believe that God uses what works and He knows I watch enough movies to warrant using them to get His point across.

I may have mentioned it already, but a couple of Sunday's ago I watched the movie adaptation of Stephen King's Desperation. I won't go into the description of the movie but it's the classic tale of good versus evil. In it, a young girl was killed by the evil being and later on in the movie her spirit comes back to lead her brother...an answer to a prayer, if you will. About the second time that the brother sees her, he asks her, "What are you doing here?" And she replied, "The same reason everyone is here. To love God and to serve God."

While I was watching the movie, that quote struck me. Not so much because it was deeply profound so much as because I was surprised at hearing it in the middle of a horror movie.

But this morning when I asked God "Why should I get up? What am I even here for?" He reminded me of the little ghostly girl's words. "To love God and to serve God."

I couldn't help but stop in my sleepy tracks and think, "Wow. Okay, so that makes much more sense than it should." It is profound in its simplicity. And it's something I should have known all along. I am a Christian. We love and serve a Risen Savior. It's inherent in our nature. But I guess my feelings of worthlessness just always made me feel as though I should be doing something bigger. Be more. Do more.

But the simplicity of loving and serving God is deceptive. And I realized this even as I took hold of His words and thanked Him for finally answering me so clearly. What does it mean to serve God? Loving Him is easy. But serving Him? How? In what way? What does a shy, hermit of a woman who isn't particularly fond of being around other people have to offer in the way of service? I know for certain that I am not qualified to teach His gospel or to preach. Heck, I do well to muster the courage to sing in service to Him. Public works and me? Not so much.

But while I was shampooing my hair, that question was answered as well. "Serve My people and you serve Me." Could have sounded fairly vague but to me it was about as subtle as a cast iron skillet to the head. And I say that because I've been resisting serving His people in the past few weeks.

I am not a do-er or a participator. This is a known fact. But last month during our church council meeting it was mentioned that the church needed to have a Valentine's Banquet. Our church used to have them all the time when I was a kid growing up there. But in the past 10-15 years as the membership dwindled and the congregation grew older, there hadn't been one. Hadn't been much of anything going on in our little church. So during the discussion, the pastor chuckles and said, "You know, in most churches the youth give the Valentine's Banquet to the older folks." He looked at me, "Jana, since you're the youngest member in the church you can be in charge of it." Everyone had a good laugh, "Ha, ha, Jana's the youth. ha ha" And I laughed too. I thought it was just a joke. Not a terribly funny one, but a joke nonetheless. I thought for sure they would not hand me this task.

But they weren't joking. A week later I began getting questions on what my plans were and how they were coming. That's when I realized they were serious. I hadn't been planning ANYTHING other than skipping Valentine's Day and maybe eating some chocolate. But everyone seemed excited. So I reluctantly started planning. And I've done nothing but gripe and moan and complain about it ever since. The irony of me, the girl who routinely despises the Hallmark Holiday...the girl with no romantic life or experience...the non doer, the non participator...this is the girl in charge of planning a Valentine's Banquet for church. It wasn't fair. I didn't want to do it.

But in the shower this morning God said, "Serve My people and you serve Me." Yep. Cast iron skillet to the head. What I've really been doing was griping about serving God. The very thing I'm here on this earth to do and I didn't want to do it. What kind of Christian am I, anyway? The Devil would say, "Not a very good one." And he'd be mostly right. At least that's the way I feel most of the time and today especially. I don't study His Word enough. I don't attend His house as often as I should. I fail so much.

But the Devil can go smoke himself. I am going to serve my God. I'm going to love Him and I'm resolved to serve His people with a joyful heart.

What is a "good" Christian, anyway? We're all sinners. We all fall short.

For this weekend, at least, I'm going to wave my banner and mean it when I say "Happy Valentine's Day."