Overcoming Myself

I've been thinking a lot lately about how there are some things about myself that I don't like. Some things about myself that aren't true to Christianity. For one thing, I don't study my Bible as often as I should. (Or ever, outside of church. *wince*) For another, I'm a horrible gossip and very judge-y. I criticize anyone who I don't like or understand.  Also, I'm terribly selfish.

Are ya'll completely shocked? Or did you already know? Ack!

Anyway, Jesus has been dealing with me a lot on these issues lately. They're on my mind a lot and I mentally kick me when I catch myself exhibiting any of those loathsome behaviors.

Oh! I forgot one! I'm also horrifyingly self-righteous! I'm just a gol-darned peach, ain't I? *shudder*

As I was saying, before I so rudely interrupted myself, He's been dealing with me about these things. I, personally, believe that Grace is often extended when we're ignorantly sinning (even if just a little?) but once He's brought those things to light and said, "Stop that!" it's up to us to stop, right? And be held accountable.

I confess that being a Christian is easy. But earnestly behaving like one is HARD. Sin comes so easy and so does the prayer, "Please forgive me for ___" But actively being aware of yourself enough to change a pattern of sinful behavior??? Next to impossible.

One of the things that I'm facing is putting service to God first. Ya'll, I like my nice quiet life. I like the generally small number of people in it. I hate being called on to do anything and more often than not, I'd rather watch TV than anything else. Unless it's eating. Eating trumps TV every time.

Anyway, lest you all think this doesn't have a point, (I'm not really even sure it does) I said all this to say  that I'm learning that when you ask God to help you change something about yourself, you'd best be ready for Him to open a path for change. Because He will bust that door wide open and tell you to make yourself at home.

Because ya'll, He did that to me this week. I've been praying for Him to help me overcome myself and to put myself out there in the spirit of Christian love and serve Him in some way that doesn't involve the television and a fist full of cookies. Not that either of those things are actual ways of serving him but you get what I'm saying. I'm my own biggest stumbling block. I can't serve Him for fear of actually having to get out there and be seen.

Then yesterday I got a private FB message from a friend who thought of me when a recent widower friend of hers asked her if she knew of anyone she thought might be a good listener. He's having a tough time getting over his wife's death and apparently it's tough talking it out with people who knew her. And maybe he just wants a fresh start with a new friend who can get to know him without that part of his life glaring at them in the face. All I know is she had a friend who is looking for new friends and she thought of me.

Ya'll, my first thought was HECK NO! I want no part of any new friends, especially recent widowers because what if this is not the innocent "friend" request that she's making it out to be and it's actually a romantic set up? And also? Talking to people about recent death in their lives is awkward as all get out for me. I am often uncomfortable with other people's feelings, especially grief. And really, what could I offer this man?  I have no wisdom. I have no insight. I am nobody. A nobody who is scared to death of people who may or may not be intended for romantic whatevers. Full on panic!

Then I took a breath and re-read her message. I still don't know the full intent behind his request for new friends. If he's seeking strictly females or if she just thought of me because I used to regale her with silly nonsense when we were teenagers. (Seriously, I used to call her every afternoon and be outrageously insane. I was a totally annoying goofball back then.) Maybe she thought I could help cheer him up. (She doesn't know how neurotic I've become, obviously.) He needs someone.

And still, I thought, no. I don't need this. I don't want to do this. It's too awkward and I'm too scared.

And then, well, if you know Him at all you know He poked me in the side and said, "Hey, remember what you asked Me? Well, here ya go."

I didn't reply to her message at all yesterday. I closed out the message and wrapped up the thoughts about it and took it home. I said a quick, "But Jesus, I don't wanna!" prayer and ya'll, I could almost see Him shrug His shoulders. You know, the kind of shrug that says, "Well, you shouldn't have asked if you didn't want to receive?"

Taking self out of anything is SO. HARD. (she whined.)

Ya'll, I'm still terrified of following through on this. So much so that after I finally replied to her this morning, I thought I might throw up. But I did tell her, "I'd be happy to help your friend any way I can." Because sometimes--brace yourselves--it just isn't about me.

Hang on. I think I just fainted from the shock of it.

Okay, all better now. ;-)

So, I don't know what will happen from here. Part of me is praying this guy doesn't follow up on her suggestion. Maybe he'll look me up on my fb profile (that only has my profile pic available to non-friends) and think, "Nah. Not what I was looking for." And part of me is curious about where all this might lead. Worst case scenario, he makes me wanna chop my ears off, shave my head and run away to the frozen tundra. Best case scenario, I've got an amazing new friend. Either way, I'm leaving this up to Jesus. He wants me to open myself up to serve Him through serving others and I did. Where it all ends up is entirely up to Him and His will. I'm taking myself out of it.

Pray I don't freak out and faint if the guy actually friends me on FB. *Gah!*