Soul Crushers

You know how sometimes there's a person who everyone tells you is a monster and they share horror stories about that person and yet you think, eh, he/she can't be all that bad and you defend him/her even if it's only to yourself until one day that person is completely nasty to you and now you can't even look at him/her without recalling how truly horrible he/she treated you? Yeah. That.

It's kinda soul crushing when you're confronted with the true colors of someone you really believed couldn't be as horrible as all that. It's happened to me a few times in the past month with a few different people. Hence, me not really being all that thrilled with life. Sad part is, these are people I'm in frequent contact with. People I really thought weren't as bad as others made them out to be. I honestly saw the best in them until they hit me upside the head with my rose colored glasses. And now it's misery to run into them because even though they're polite again, all I see when I look at them is the way I felt when they revealed their true selves to me.

And if it weren't for the horror stories I'd heard about them, I'd still defend them. "Oh, they were having an off day or something." But since it's obviously a pattern, well, now I know.

And still I blame myself. What did I do that was so horrible to warrant such a wretched response? How did I offend them into being so hateful to me? I've lost sleep about it, ya'll. Like, a lot of sleep didn't happen because my mind was twisted with worry and fret over people who probably don't even realize they abused my feelings so thoroughly. They were just being them and me? I'm all twisted up in knots and shame because of it.

Running into those soul crushers has made me reevaluate everyone in my day-to-day life. Taking slight where none was intended. Tentative to engage in any sort of socialization with others. (even more so than usual!) Dissecting everything I say or do. Sitting in fear in case I set someone else off by asking for what I need.  Interrogating myself before anything I do and then waiting for the backlash that may or may not come. Scared to death that my needs, opinions or ideas are going to make one more person explode in my face.

The truth is, I can't be responsible for how others react. I can't control how other people treat me. I am only responsible for me and how I respond or react. I can only control how I treat other people. And if I'm not afforded the same courtesies and respect that I grant to others, well, that's just something I'm going to have to learn to live with.

I've also had to learn the hard way that it's a bad idea to take a sleep aid at 1am when you  hafta be up shortly after 5am. Ugh. Can you say "miserable"? I've felt drowsy and sluggish all day. Tonight I'm gonna hafta take it before I go to bed so that maybe I won't wake up at 12:30am and not be able to go back to sleep for worrying.

Meanwhile, I must keep reminding myself that "this, too, shall pass."

Now. I'm off to wrestle with books and thank God that I haven't had to wrestle Isaac yet! haha