Goals? What goals?

Okay, so here's the part where I tell you that I am completely backslidden and putting the goals on hold. I honestly, well and truly thought that setting clear goals would help me stick to something but...well, LIFE. It happens.

I am still not recovered from whatever I did to my knee back in the spring/early summer. In fact, it's worse now than it was. Ice and Advil help, but only temporarily and not for very long at that. Standing. Sitting. Laying down. It all hurts after more than a few minutes. I'm constantly in some sort of pain from it and FORGET doing any form of formal exercise. May as well shoot me.

And the lattes...oh! the lattes! I was doing SO WELL for so long and then...I'd blame my friends but they're just the instigators. Not as if they put guns to my head and force me to partake. But do you know how difficult it is to walk to Starbucks and walk out with nothing?? Painfully impossible, that's how difficult it is. Unfortunately, it's not just lattes. It's trips to Burger King. Chick-fil-A. Panda Express. They're all within walking distance and for some reason, my friends have decided that we need to go out more often. Don't get me wrong--it's fun, but costly in both calories and money.

And then I get on this slippery slope of "Well, I've already destroyed my calories, so I may as well do xyz." Not to mention the complete addiction to fast food. I don't even want to talk about exactly  how often I've eaten out over the past two months. It makes my heart sick. And my wallet. AND my waistline.

Which brings me to the sad, inevitable confession--I'm back to my January weight. Like, full on. And I could blame stress (a factor, for sure), the weather, my knees, etc. but the truth is, I just quit trying. I was so depressed and discouraged over the whole knee thing and all the crap I've been putting up with elsewhere that I just gave myself permission to quit trying.

Sadly, my health isn't the only thing I "let go." I've also backslidden on my finances. Credit card usage is up, payments are down. I've still done fairly well on the big CC payment, but haven't paid the full $300 goal payment since June in an effort to pay off the debt I accrue on my "emergency" card which, let's face it, hasn't paid a true emergency since it financed Emmy's ear infection debacle when she was here in June.

I have stuck to my savings goals but my car sucked out all of that plus some. So while those fifty dollar payments to myself each month did serve their purpose, it's just disheartening to watch it all go in one swipe of the ol' debit card. Even though I needed my car repaired. Even though it was a true blessing to not have to charge the cost on a credit card. And even though that's what my savings is for. It still made me sad.

My faith goals have struggled but are still intact. I have kept up with my nightly independent bible study and prayer time. The evening worship, though, has been a constant battle. Partly because so many of the summer services were cancelled for holidays and it got me out of the habit, partly because I was just too lazy to get up and go but mostly just because I still struggle with the social anxiety of it all. That part is improving bit by torturous bit, but it's still a thing, for sure.

So to sum up, life has sucked and at least half of my goals died a slow and painful death. I know it's not too late to revive them but I honestly don't see my knee cooperating with any aerobic walking any time soon. I can try to get back into the habit of strolling around the drill field but would you throw rocks at me if I confessed that sometimes I'm just too self-conscious to do it?  As in, I feel like all those people out there are judging me. And it makes for a miserable time. I know I just have to get over that and do it, though.

I can still work on my nutrition and portions--something I keep telling myself I'm going to do but haven't yet. I can also continue to work towards my financial and faith goals.

I guess what I'm saying is...I'll do the best I can but I'm not making any promises.