Bleh
Is it bad to start the day out with tears because you just really don't want to get out of bed and deal with your life even though you know how blessed you are and you're being completly ridiculous? It is? Yes. Yes, it is.
I feel so stupid and selfish to feel this way. I know my life isn't that bad. My job isn't a complete nightmare and things could always be worse. I'm not homeless or hungry. I'm cold but not because I don't have heat. I'm just cheap. I have an amazing family and some really great friends. I'm blessed beyond measure and I know that.
So why then does the thought of getting out of bed and leaving my house leave me feeling so tired, frustrated and sad? Why do I greet each day with dread? I pray and I talk to God. I know He's listening.
I also know that I have just had the misfortune to have had a STRING of crazy, annoying and sometimes head smacking days. A lot of angry days full of annoyance, too. Nearly a month of them, to be honest.
And yesterday? Yesterday was a kick in the head. Like for serious. One person managed to completely tear me down with one random conversation she had about me behind my back to my SUPERVISOR. Not because I'm not doing my job but because I refuse to bend to her will. But she made it out like I wasn't doing this one thing the way it's supposed to be done. And this was someone I trusted and that was what hurt and angered me the most. Fortunately, my supervisor took her remarks with a grain of salt and actually laughed as he told me what she'd said. Which makes me appreciate him a lot. But if he had been different...if he had been more like the person who kicked me in the head, it could have been very bad for me. But I also wish he had never mentioned it to me because it did sort of send me into a spiral.
I mean, I've already been feeling overwhelmed, depressed, kicked around and unappreciated. And then to find out that one of the people who I stupidly thought had always been so supportive and helpful was secretly seething because I happen to have a mind of my own that doesn't jive with hers and instead of coming to me directly and saying, "I know you know this is what I want and this is how it's going to be" she went above me to someone who influences my employment...
I did not handle it well at all. I spouted off some mean spirited comments on social media (without naming names, of course) and then proceeded to bitch about it to my friends and soak in my anger and hurt for a long while. The more I sat, the angrier I got. I practiced confronting her about it but each practice ended up with certain four letter words that wouldn't be a good idea.
And then I was reading my Bible study before bed and something in the scripture I was reading reached out and tapped me on the shoulder and I realized what an idiot I was being. How stupidly I was handling it. So I prayed about it and quickly tapped out an apology on social media and confessed how badly I'd behaved. And I felt better. I felt like an idiot but I felt better.
But then I woke up this morning and just started sobbing because I just did not want to get up and leave my house. I'm so tired of other people stealing my joy. I'm bone tired, period. And I know "they" say, "Don't let other people steal your joy," but that is easier said than done. I just don't know how else to deal with hurtful or frustrating people. I never learned how to let that stuff roll off my back. I just carry it with me and let it eat at me like a flesh eating virus.
I feel like no one ever listens to me, no one cares how I feel or what's going on in my heart. Nobody gives a care to what I need. I get leeches draining me of what THEY want or what THEY need to be satisfied but I get nothing. No real support, no sympathy, no positive feedback. The few people I try to turn to either turn it back to themselves with an, "Oh, I know how you feel" before launching into their own tales of woe as though I'd never even spoke. Or, they make a joke out of it like I'm just being silly. And maybe I AM being silly or melodramatic or obnoxious or whatever. But aren't I allowed to feel how I feel and aren't my feelings just as worthy of sympathy as the next person's? And sometimes even when a touch of sympathy is given at the time, it then becomes a standing "joke" or "tease" as though my feelings have become our inside joke.
IT SUCKS!
Which is just the natural order of life and I'll bet you 9 out of 10 people have similar feelings or experiences.
This morning while I was trying to get the redness out of my eyes before coming into the office I had the passing thought that maybe I really do need to see a doctor. Tell someone who maybe could help. And then I thought that was as stupid idea because I can already hear my doctor now brushing it off without a second thought. If the man can brush off heart palpitations and dizziness without so much as giving it a second thought, then he's really not going to think twice about my feelings. I'm just and overemotional woman and I'm probably just going through peri-menopause or suffering from seasonal affective disorder or whatever. All of which could be true but he could at least pretend that those are serious things because it's serious to me and give me some valid advice on how to deal with it. He could tell me what to do to feel better because I'm so tired of feeling badall most of the time.
I also know that I have just had the misfortune to have had a STRING of crazy, annoying and sometimes head smacking days. A lot of angry days full of annoyance, too. Nearly a month of them, to be honest.
And yesterday? Yesterday was a kick in the head. Like for serious. One person managed to completely tear me down with one random conversation she had about me behind my back to my SUPERVISOR. Not because I'm not doing my job but because I refuse to bend to her will. But she made it out like I wasn't doing this one thing the way it's supposed to be done. And this was someone I trusted and that was what hurt and angered me the most. Fortunately, my supervisor took her remarks with a grain of salt and actually laughed as he told me what she'd said. Which makes me appreciate him a lot. But if he had been different...if he had been more like the person who kicked me in the head, it could have been very bad for me. But I also wish he had never mentioned it to me because it did sort of send me into a spiral.
I mean, I've already been feeling overwhelmed, depressed, kicked around and unappreciated. And then to find out that one of the people who I stupidly thought had always been so supportive and helpful was secretly seething because I happen to have a mind of my own that doesn't jive with hers and instead of coming to me directly and saying, "I know you know this is what I want and this is how it's going to be" she went above me to someone who influences my employment...
I did not handle it well at all. I spouted off some mean spirited comments on social media (without naming names, of course) and then proceeded to bitch about it to my friends and soak in my anger and hurt for a long while. The more I sat, the angrier I got. I practiced confronting her about it but each practice ended up with certain four letter words that wouldn't be a good idea.
And then I was reading my Bible study before bed and something in the scripture I was reading reached out and tapped me on the shoulder and I realized what an idiot I was being. How stupidly I was handling it. So I prayed about it and quickly tapped out an apology on social media and confessed how badly I'd behaved. And I felt better. I felt like an idiot but I felt better.
But then I woke up this morning and just started sobbing because I just did not want to get up and leave my house. I'm so tired of other people stealing my joy. I'm bone tired, period. And I know "they" say, "Don't let other people steal your joy," but that is easier said than done. I just don't know how else to deal with hurtful or frustrating people. I never learned how to let that stuff roll off my back. I just carry it with me and let it eat at me like a flesh eating virus.
I feel like no one ever listens to me, no one cares how I feel or what's going on in my heart. Nobody gives a care to what I need. I get leeches draining me of what THEY want or what THEY need to be satisfied but I get nothing. No real support, no sympathy, no positive feedback. The few people I try to turn to either turn it back to themselves with an, "Oh, I know how you feel" before launching into their own tales of woe as though I'd never even spoke. Or, they make a joke out of it like I'm just being silly. And maybe I AM being silly or melodramatic or obnoxious or whatever. But aren't I allowed to feel how I feel and aren't my feelings just as worthy of sympathy as the next person's? And sometimes even when a touch of sympathy is given at the time, it then becomes a standing "joke" or "tease" as though my feelings have become our inside joke.
IT SUCKS!
Which is just the natural order of life and I'll bet you 9 out of 10 people have similar feelings or experiences.
This morning while I was trying to get the redness out of my eyes before coming into the office I had the passing thought that maybe I really do need to see a doctor. Tell someone who maybe could help. And then I thought that was as stupid idea because I can already hear my doctor now brushing it off without a second thought. If the man can brush off heart palpitations and dizziness without so much as giving it a second thought, then he's really not going to think twice about my feelings. I'm just and overemotional woman and I'm probably just going through peri-menopause or suffering from seasonal affective disorder or whatever. All of which could be true but he could at least pretend that those are serious things because it's serious to me and give me some valid advice on how to deal with it. He could tell me what to do to feel better because I'm so tired of feeling bad
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