Hopeful

For the first day this week, I have NO MEETINGS and NO TRAINING for anyone. I am 100% free and clear to do whatever I want to do with my work day. You know, workwise. I can pick my own project, stay in my cube and just breathe a little today. After a week of nonstop doing of ALL THE THINGS I need this day to remind me of all the things I love about my job. Because I do love my job. Under normal circumstances, it's a great place to work and despite this week's ego torches, there are some really great people with whom I work.

Those are things I need to remember when the bullies eat at me and when things get overwhelming. I need to push myself to take a deep breath and focus on the GOOD in all things. There is good in life. There is good in work. It's not all sunshine and roses but it's not all sludge and haters, either.

I'm still feeling a little emotionally tender today. A little bruised and frayed around the edges. My hope is that I can avoid anyone who I KNOW is good at picking away at the scabs.

In other news, Mama is planning a super bowl "party" for Sunday night. Not because we will actually be watching the game or care two figs about football, but because Sis1 and BIL will be in town that night and we want some wings. lol

Mama is having minor surgery in Jackson Tuesday so Sis1 and BIL are coming over Sunday to spend the night in order to drive her down there in time for her tests and stuff early Monday morning. She's a little nervous about the surgery even though we're hopeful that it will solve a lot of some problems she's been having. I'm guessing that fussing over a football party menu is a lot like me baking cookies when I'm stressed--it's taking her mind off of her nerves.

We're all a little on the fragile side these days, I guess. It doesn't help that there have been a lot of deaths in the area lately. Several family friends from the older generation have died in the past week or so and Wednesday, Sis2's childhood best friend lost her dad to cancer. He was only 56. Things like that just really dig into you. Make you face your own mortality as well as the mortality of the people you love.

Change of subject again, (to keep from getting depressed) I was thinking last night about what I want to do with my life. Sometimes I just feel so stuck. And as much as I enjoy my work I often wonder if I chose my career or if it chose me. I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I guess what I mean is, did I choose this because it was something I loved or because it was the easiest route to take? I can't really remember anymore. I mean, I started on this trajectory as an 18-year-old student assistant and just never tried to go anywhere else. It's been a good ride but was it really what I wanted? Or was it merely the safe choice?

Someone asked me recently what I would do if I could do absolutely anything in the world. I was stumped. All I know is the library, I thought. I don't have any money making talents.  I stopped dreaming big years and years ago. So I really couldn't think of anything. But I was standing in the kitchen last night thinking about possibly baking some cookies and it came to me like a light bulb over my head. If I could do absolutely anything I wanted I'd want to open a cookie and candy shop. I love to bake and make candy. It's soothing to my soul. And I love it when someone eats something I made and enjoys it. I mean, it's a total pipe dream because I have absolutely NO business sense. Could not afford to start a business even if I did. But it's nice to know that I do have some dreams left inside my soul. I haven't completely given up and given in.