Evaluation
With 2014 rapidly coming to a close, I've taken stock of myself as I sit right now and I have come to the realization that I am a HOT MESS. If "hot mess" means that I am so far beyond a mess that I am currently a steaming pile of poo. Which I assume it does.
Exhibit A.
I am the heaviest I have been since 2006. Heavier, actually. About 5 pounds heavier than I was in 2006. I had to buy almost all new pants because my old ones were a) beginning to unravel and b) literally busting at the seams!
I would love to blame it all on stress. 2014 has been one of THE most stressful years of my life. Like, worse than the year my supervisor retired and I was suddenly thrust into a supervisory role without the paycheck to back it up. Who knew that being a supervisor could be less stressful than being supervised? I certainly didn't. But there it is.
But stress can only take so much of the blame. The majority of the blame rests squarely on my chubby shoulders. Truth is? I just let myself go. I got tired of the struggle and I just stopped trying. Didn't matter how many pep talks I gave myself or how many times I told myself that I would do better...I just LET IT GO.
I eat what I want. I drink sugary sodas and high calorie lattes. I scarf down junk food like a starving child and tuck away fast food like it's my last meal. I can't even blame my friends for the fast food trips anymore, either. I fully credit them for getting me started on the frequency of it, yes. But I'm the one who started sneaking over during afternoon breaks for a carton of orange chicken. I'm the one who stops by Sonic on her way home every time she drives herself to work. And I'm the one who makes it a round trip to town for a Big Mac every time she takes her dog to the vet. All those things are on me. I own that.
Every time I do it I tell myself, "This is the last time. I'm not doing this any more." Because I feel the shame. I know I'm hurting myself. I see my belly grow every day and unlike my co-worker, D, I don't have the excuse of a little human growing in there. And yet I continue to do it. I continue on this awful path of self-destruction and I don't even know why! I don't even really enjoy it all that much anymore. It's become this terrible habit that I can't figure out how to shake.
And then there are the cravings. I tried giving up Coke for a week and it was the most miserable week of my life. I was stalking around my house one night in a near rage because I needed it. Not the caffeine. I have coffee for that. I just needed that sting of the carbonation on my tongue. I craved that icy cold sweetness sliding down my throat. It was a total nutball moment. Sort of what I imagine drug addicts and alcoholics face, though admittedly on a much smaller scale. But I get it. The desperation just for one hit. One gulp.
I dug around and found a can of Diet Sprite that has been in my fridge for a couple of years (I KNOW!) and mixed it with some cherry crystal light and that satisfied me for that night. The next day I hit up the vending machine across the street from the library and knocked back a 20 ounce Coke.
And here I sit (not stand--that takes too much effort!) a fat, miserable beast who is on the fast track to a heart attack. A lovely site, for sure.
Exhibit B.
I finally looked at my credit card statement today. The statement for the card that this time last year I was freaking out about because I had run it up to over $700 buying Christmas gifts, Christmas decorations and Christmas party food. I had vowed this time last year that I was going to pay off that $700. Guess what I did instead?
I'm not going to tell you how much I've run up my credit card this year. It's embarrassing and a little TMI for a blog but it is weeeeeellll past $700.
And I can't really explain how my spending habits got so out of hand this year except that I apparently wanted all the things! Instead of saving up the money to buy what I wanted I charged it. And I charged it a LOT. And then November hit and I started buying Christmas stuff and it just spiraled. I quit looking at my statement sometime back in July because ignoring it would make it go away, right?
No. Wrong.
I've currently removed my card from my wallet and as soon as Christmas is over, I'm deleting all my card information from Amazon and Walmart.com so that I can't just zap over to the sites and shop as has become my habit over the year. I should delete it now, but juuuuust in case Sis2 needs me to order something else for the kids (she pays me back) I need to keep it up till after Christmas.
Clearly I have self control issues. And clearly there is something going on with me that has caused me to go so far out of my own very loose boundaries. I mean, I've never been a financial genius. But it's been a while since I was this out of control. Since about 2005, actually--when Sis2 got hitched. (Major emotional upheaval.)
Again, I'd like to blame stress. But again, I know that's only a small part.
The bigger picture is this:
I have struggled with these issues for most of my life--the weight thing, at least. The credit card/debt thing since college. Some years I have done better than others. This year just happens to be the worst--in more than just weight and finances--but those are actually the two things I CAN physically control. I can't do anything about the current office climate other than to just buckle down and do my best to stay under the radar. I can't fix Daddy's health issues. I can't make Sis1 and Emmy come home more often. I can't force my mother to talk less and listen more. I can't strong arm my friends into being less selfish. But I can control what I put into my body and how I spend my money. Which is why it's so crazy to me that those are the two things I don't TRY to control!
I'm not making any new year's resolutions. I'm not setting any goals to live up to and mark off each month. What I'm doing is sitting down and making a plan. A plan to improve my health and my finances.
I haven't quite put these plans together...Well, I sort of have the finances plan, but the food plan is trickier.
First things first on both accounts, I need to sit down and have a heart to heart with Jesus to figure out what my deeper issues are. Why I'm slapping on these band-aids that turn into bondage. If it were as simple as eating better, cutting back on eating out and spending less, I would be good to go. But something within me is keeping me in this vicious hateful cycle and I know He knows what it is. Once I can confront that deeper issue and turn it over to Him I feel I will be better able to tackle these two chains around my feet.
2015 has GOT to be better. It's going to be tough, too, I know, because I'll be cleaning up the messes I made in 2014, but it's GOT to be better in the long run. Because another year like 2014? Just might kill me.
Exhibit A.
I am the heaviest I have been since 2006. Heavier, actually. About 5 pounds heavier than I was in 2006. I had to buy almost all new pants because my old ones were a) beginning to unravel and b) literally busting at the seams!
I would love to blame it all on stress. 2014 has been one of THE most stressful years of my life. Like, worse than the year my supervisor retired and I was suddenly thrust into a supervisory role without the paycheck to back it up. Who knew that being a supervisor could be less stressful than being supervised? I certainly didn't. But there it is.
But stress can only take so much of the blame. The majority of the blame rests squarely on my chubby shoulders. Truth is? I just let myself go. I got tired of the struggle and I just stopped trying. Didn't matter how many pep talks I gave myself or how many times I told myself that I would do better...I just LET IT GO.
I eat what I want. I drink sugary sodas and high calorie lattes. I scarf down junk food like a starving child and tuck away fast food like it's my last meal. I can't even blame my friends for the fast food trips anymore, either. I fully credit them for getting me started on the frequency of it, yes. But I'm the one who started sneaking over during afternoon breaks for a carton of orange chicken. I'm the one who stops by Sonic on her way home every time she drives herself to work. And I'm the one who makes it a round trip to town for a Big Mac every time she takes her dog to the vet. All those things are on me. I own that.
Every time I do it I tell myself, "This is the last time. I'm not doing this any more." Because I feel the shame. I know I'm hurting myself. I see my belly grow every day and unlike my co-worker, D, I don't have the excuse of a little human growing in there. And yet I continue to do it. I continue on this awful path of self-destruction and I don't even know why! I don't even really enjoy it all that much anymore. It's become this terrible habit that I can't figure out how to shake.
And then there are the cravings. I tried giving up Coke for a week and it was the most miserable week of my life. I was stalking around my house one night in a near rage because I needed it. Not the caffeine. I have coffee for that. I just needed that sting of the carbonation on my tongue. I craved that icy cold sweetness sliding down my throat. It was a total nutball moment. Sort of what I imagine drug addicts and alcoholics face, though admittedly on a much smaller scale. But I get it. The desperation just for one hit. One gulp.
I dug around and found a can of Diet Sprite that has been in my fridge for a couple of years (I KNOW!) and mixed it with some cherry crystal light and that satisfied me for that night. The next day I hit up the vending machine across the street from the library and knocked back a 20 ounce Coke.
And here I sit (not stand--that takes too much effort!) a fat, miserable beast who is on the fast track to a heart attack. A lovely site, for sure.
Exhibit B.
I finally looked at my credit card statement today. The statement for the card that this time last year I was freaking out about because I had run it up to over $700 buying Christmas gifts, Christmas decorations and Christmas party food. I had vowed this time last year that I was going to pay off that $700. Guess what I did instead?
I'm not going to tell you how much I've run up my credit card this year. It's embarrassing and a little TMI for a blog but it is weeeeeellll past $700.
And I can't really explain how my spending habits got so out of hand this year except that I apparently wanted all the things! Instead of saving up the money to buy what I wanted I charged it. And I charged it a LOT. And then November hit and I started buying Christmas stuff and it just spiraled. I quit looking at my statement sometime back in July because ignoring it would make it go away, right?
No. Wrong.
I've currently removed my card from my wallet and as soon as Christmas is over, I'm deleting all my card information from Amazon and Walmart.com so that I can't just zap over to the sites and shop as has become my habit over the year. I should delete it now, but juuuuust in case Sis2 needs me to order something else for the kids (she pays me back) I need to keep it up till after Christmas.
Clearly I have self control issues. And clearly there is something going on with me that has caused me to go so far out of my own very loose boundaries. I mean, I've never been a financial genius. But it's been a while since I was this out of control. Since about 2005, actually--when Sis2 got hitched. (Major emotional upheaval.)
Again, I'd like to blame stress. But again, I know that's only a small part.
The bigger picture is this:
I have struggled with these issues for most of my life--the weight thing, at least. The credit card/debt thing since college. Some years I have done better than others. This year just happens to be the worst--in more than just weight and finances--but those are actually the two things I CAN physically control. I can't do anything about the current office climate other than to just buckle down and do my best to stay under the radar. I can't fix Daddy's health issues. I can't make Sis1 and Emmy come home more often. I can't force my mother to talk less and listen more. I can't strong arm my friends into being less selfish. But I can control what I put into my body and how I spend my money. Which is why it's so crazy to me that those are the two things I don't TRY to control!
I'm not making any new year's resolutions. I'm not setting any goals to live up to and mark off each month. What I'm doing is sitting down and making a plan. A plan to improve my health and my finances.
I haven't quite put these plans together...Well, I sort of have the finances plan, but the food plan is trickier.
First things first on both accounts, I need to sit down and have a heart to heart with Jesus to figure out what my deeper issues are. Why I'm slapping on these band-aids that turn into bondage. If it were as simple as eating better, cutting back on eating out and spending less, I would be good to go. But something within me is keeping me in this vicious hateful cycle and I know He knows what it is. Once I can confront that deeper issue and turn it over to Him I feel I will be better able to tackle these two chains around my feet.
2015 has GOT to be better. It's going to be tough, too, I know, because I'll be cleaning up the messes I made in 2014, but it's GOT to be better in the long run. Because another year like 2014? Just might kill me.
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Also, is it just me or does blogger get more and more creative(ly) difficult with their captcha boxes? Mine now has a box to click "not a robot" before it shows the captcha. SO. WEIRD.