A New Church Direction

I am at a church cross-roads again.

Yes. Again.

Ya'll, I love Jesus and have total and complete faith in God. This church thing, though...

I often wonder if this modern idea of church is anything at all what He had in mind when He created the first churches in the New Testament. I know he didn't have bickering and back-biting and spitefulness in mind. I'm pretty sure He didn't include two-facedness or small mindedness in the plans.

And yet the modern church is so full of negativity, unkindness and in my personal experience, completely lacking in the love department. Oh, they say with their lips that they love you but their actions? Nope.

Nobody in my church attacked me personally. But a small collection of people have (yet again) run off our pastor. A pastor who preached his heart out every Sunday. Who, admittedly, was not perfect, but who spoke the word with passion, conviction and a real sense of Word knowledge. But because many Christians are contrary, they, of course, found things to nit-pick at until he just couldn't take it anymore and turned in his resignation Sunday.

This affects me, how?

Well, I no longer feel lead to congregate with this church family. My spiritual growth has flourished over the past four years of this particular pastor's tenure and I just don't see myself continuing to grow with this group of people who perpetually repeat this same sort of behavior over and over again. I don't have to participate in their insanity and I refuse to anymore.

The pastor gave his two week's notice so he will be around for two more Sundays. I am not sure I will be. I'm not what I'd call "attached" to this pastor on a personal level. In fact, I'd go so far as to say we have no personal connections. He knows next to nothing about me other than my name, who my mother is and the fact that I operate the sound booth. He has never TRIED to get to know me and I have never offered him the opportunity to. Social awkwardness for the win! haha I probably should show up the next two Sundays in support of his ministry but, my heart left the building as soon as I learned what had lead to his resignation. I have no desire to darken the door of that church again.

I am sad about that but in a remote sort of way.

I grew up in that church. Was baptized there. Met my first crush there. Watched many friends marry there. Sang my first solos there. And left there heartbroken once before. I floated around to three other churches before finding my way back to this church several years ago. I found a church home there again. Made friends. Renewed my relationship with God. Served His people. Grew into a servant of the church in general. And had the foundation of my trust in this group of people cracked about five years ago when they ran off the previous pastor. My dad, grandmother, great-aunt and many friends left this church back then. Mama and I stayed because we felt our ministry there wasn't finished.

We worked hard to rebuild and mend those fractured foundations. Prayed daily for this church family. But honestly? My heart never fully healed. I've been struggling with my feelings on this church for more than a year, now. I stayed out of fear of change and because anytime I mentioned leaving, Mama threw a hissy fit.

Well, this time her heart is broken, too, and she's actually considering leaving.

I don't know where I will land. There are churches everywhere around here but none my heart feels lead to. I feel as though I just don't want to even search for a new church home right now. I am disillusioned and confused on my feelings about church.

One thing I am NOT confused on, however, is my faith. I still love Jesus. I still have faith in God. I still feel my relationship with Him growing every day. I yearn more for Him than I ever have. I just don't know where church fits into it all anymore. I'm conflicted by the commandment to fellowship with other Christians in worship and my disillusionment with fellow Christians. I feel so much more hollow around other Christians than when I worship alone.

There's also the added factor of my parents who will not tolerate me taking a break from attending church. Even though I'm nearing 36-years of life, they are still very much involved in my life and feel entitled to tell me what to do. I want to talk to them about what I'm feeling but talking to them about anything that is at odds with what they demand/believe is difficult. And that's putting it mildly.

And I also know that I MUST not drop out of church entirely. That even in discomfort,  unease, disillusionment and social awkwardness, there is a spiritual need for me to attend church. To hear His word spoken beyond that of my own head.

I know that Daddy expects me to just move into the spot next to him at the Presbyterian church he's attended for the past five years. And I know that Mama expects me to just move into whatever church she lands in. I don't want to do either.

As much as it TERRIFIES me to think of walking alone into a church full of strangers, I feel as though that is something that I need to do eventually. I need to step away from my parents and develop a church life of my own. To become as involved or uninvolved as I want. To either make friends on my own or not. To find a place that fits ME separately from my parents. I know they won't understand that either and it will be hard to make my mother understand that I don't want to follow her around or have her follow me around. I know it will likely confuse and hurt Daddy that I don't just naturally fall into line with him--he was hurt when I didn't follow him to the Presbyterian church five years ago and it took us a while to get past it. But I need to find my own church home. Even if at the end of the search I DO fall in place with my parents, I at least need to look outside of and beyond them. It is, after all, my spiritual journey at stake here.

I'm praying, seeking His direction in all of it. The last thing I want to do is allow myself to become bitter and jaded. I want my life and my relationship with God to be an open book that people can read and know that He is with us. I want to be a witness by the way I live and not in just word only. I long to be the kind of Christian that people see Jesus in me and in the way I live my life, the way I speak and the way I love others.

I DON'T want my social anxiety to hold me back from seeking His will. I DON'T want my feelings of disillusionment and discouragement to keep me out of His will for my life and I certainly DON'T want to lose my ability to hear when He speaks to me.

And I realize that many people out there would look at this post and say, "See? This is why I don't do religion." Well, I don't do religion either. I work on maintaining a relationship with God. I work on keeping Jesus' love shining from my heart.

As our pastor so brilliantly preached recently, "It's not about religion. It's about relationship." At the end of the day--church or no church--it's the relationship I must make my priority.