Cleaning Me Up
It's no lie that 2014 was a nasty volatile year for me. I think it's safe to say that that is true for a lot of people. Struggle and stress, rinse and repeat. Looking back, I KNOW I enjoyed some of it but for some reason the only feelings I truly remember were the unhappy ones. Thank God I take pics with my iPhone like a crazy person, otherwise I'd have no documentation that any fun was had last year.
It's sad how much I/we let stress run and ruin our lives. How we soak up all the negative, hold onto it for dear life and let it squeeze out our joy. For instance, I was scrolling through my Twitter feed while I was off on break and it embarrassed me how negative and awful it was. I had, apparently, taken to using it to vent all my frustrations in-the-moment because it felt like a "safe" place. Safe because I have kept my twitter account hidden from my family and all the people I see face to face all the time. It was easier than writing out my feelings here because, well, I feel self conscious leaving ALL my angst here and I felt like I was becoming a broken record and maybe a little TOO transparent. But what is a blog for if not sharing the pieces of yourself that you can't share anywhere else?
But back to Twitter, it depressed me that I had shared so little happy on there. Granted, I don't have that many followers but I hated to think that anyone reading that feed would only know me as an angry and bitter woman who apparently hated everyone.
To be perfectly honest, there were times last year when I DID hate everyone. Or at least I disliked everyone. Even the people I loved. There were times when I hated myself, my life and the very existence of the world.
There were even times when I stepped away from God. Not in the sense that I went wild and started hating on Him, but in the sense that I stopped talking to Him. I wandered off and just didn't hang out with Him in my heart. I still loved Him but I was kinda mad at Him, too. And y'all...it FREAKS ME OUT to type that out. To even acknowledge it. Thankfully, HE didn't wander away from ME. He stood by patiently and waited for me to get over my hissy fit. And I did go back to Him. I went back and begged forgiveness and poured it all out. And while He didn't fix the situation He did give me the tools to cope. I didn't always heed His words or use the tools He gave me because, you know, stupid human, party of one. But He was there and that has been everything. It's the ONLY thing that has kept me from completely losing my mind. Hanging on to Him has saved me from myself and the craziness of the world.
When I'm still enough to listen to Him, He tells me what I already knew but have forgotten...
He tells me that the struggles won't last forever but that they do serve a purpose. Even if I don't understand that purpose or the reasons, everything works together to serve a purpose unto the Lord. Could be that I've been going through all these things to strengthen me. Could be that it's to strengthen my faith. Could be preparation for something bigger. Could be preparation for a blessing. Only HE knows, but everything that I faced last year...every tear, every dark place, every moment of exhaustion and head butting, every single second of frustration, disappointment and anger mean something. It was never all for nothing.
And He reminds me to count my blessings. Remember the good things. Focus on the joys, the gifts and the laughter. Carry the fun in my heart instead of the pain. Be patient in the face of adversity instead of lashing out. Show kindness to those who, for whatever reason, have only given me grief. Be a light instead of harboring darkness. Because I AM blessed. Blessed beyond even my own understanding. And I've always had everything I ever needed to succeed in this life.
While I've never been one to make New Year's resolutions, I am resolving to do this: Listen to Him more and take the world and all it's painful distractions with a grain of salt.
I am a stupid human so I know I will sometimes fail, but I resolve to try, try and try again.
It's sad how much I/we let stress run and ruin our lives. How we soak up all the negative, hold onto it for dear life and let it squeeze out our joy. For instance, I was scrolling through my Twitter feed while I was off on break and it embarrassed me how negative and awful it was. I had, apparently, taken to using it to vent all my frustrations in-the-moment because it felt like a "safe" place. Safe because I have kept my twitter account hidden from my family and all the people I see face to face all the time. It was easier than writing out my feelings here because, well, I feel self conscious leaving ALL my angst here and I felt like I was becoming a broken record and maybe a little TOO transparent. But what is a blog for if not sharing the pieces of yourself that you can't share anywhere else?
But back to Twitter, it depressed me that I had shared so little happy on there. Granted, I don't have that many followers but I hated to think that anyone reading that feed would only know me as an angry and bitter woman who apparently hated everyone.
To be perfectly honest, there were times last year when I DID hate everyone. Or at least I disliked everyone. Even the people I loved. There were times when I hated myself, my life and the very existence of the world.
There were even times when I stepped away from God. Not in the sense that I went wild and started hating on Him, but in the sense that I stopped talking to Him. I wandered off and just didn't hang out with Him in my heart. I still loved Him but I was kinda mad at Him, too. And y'all...it FREAKS ME OUT to type that out. To even acknowledge it. Thankfully, HE didn't wander away from ME. He stood by patiently and waited for me to get over my hissy fit. And I did go back to Him. I went back and begged forgiveness and poured it all out. And while He didn't fix the situation He did give me the tools to cope. I didn't always heed His words or use the tools He gave me because, you know, stupid human, party of one. But He was there and that has been everything. It's the ONLY thing that has kept me from completely losing my mind. Hanging on to Him has saved me from myself and the craziness of the world.
When I'm still enough to listen to Him, He tells me what I already knew but have forgotten...
He tells me that the struggles won't last forever but that they do serve a purpose. Even if I don't understand that purpose or the reasons, everything works together to serve a purpose unto the Lord. Could be that I've been going through all these things to strengthen me. Could be that it's to strengthen my faith. Could be preparation for something bigger. Could be preparation for a blessing. Only HE knows, but everything that I faced last year...every tear, every dark place, every moment of exhaustion and head butting, every single second of frustration, disappointment and anger mean something. It was never all for nothing.
And He reminds me to count my blessings. Remember the good things. Focus on the joys, the gifts and the laughter. Carry the fun in my heart instead of the pain. Be patient in the face of adversity instead of lashing out. Show kindness to those who, for whatever reason, have only given me grief. Be a light instead of harboring darkness. Because I AM blessed. Blessed beyond even my own understanding. And I've always had everything I ever needed to succeed in this life.
While I've never been one to make New Year's resolutions, I am resolving to do this: Listen to Him more and take the world and all it's painful distractions with a grain of salt.
I am a stupid human so I know I will sometimes fail, but I resolve to try, try and try again.
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