Mixed Tape of Emotions Decorated for Christmas

It took us three days/nights to get the tree together. Well, five, if you count how many days the tree sat in it's box on the dining room floor before I took it out and put it together. We--and I use the term "we" loosely  here because Libs mostly just pouted while I worked--put it together and strung the lights on one night...Tuesday maybe? and decorated it Friday night. It's a miracle it got done at all because I am totally Scrooge/Grinching it out this year. Not feeling Christmas at all.

 

 

I'm not really sure WHY I'm not feeling Christmas much this year. I wasn't really all that into it last year, either, if memory serves. Maybe it's that I'm getting older. Or maybe I'm just over the whole commercialization of it. Or maybe I'm just tired. Or could be that I'm not into much of anything anymore.

 

I could probably get by without going the whole decorating/putting up a tree route. I mean, in all seriousness, nobody but me and whoever reads this blog ever sees any of it. Oh, and facebook. Everyone on facebook posts their tree, including me, so there's that. But nobody would miss it if I didn't post something. So I could have totally gotten away without the hassle of a tree and decorations.

 

Except I don't LIKE feeling so ambivalent about Christmas. I guess I was hoping that if I forced myself to do it it'd push me into the "magic" of Christmas. And, well, meh. I'm still not feeling it. But at least my house is semi-clean and pretty. I say "semi-clean" because Libby's room is a disaster of epic proportions and also, I still haven't gotten around to vacuuming the depressing amount of dog hair that currently resides over my whole entire life!!! 

 

I don't really care much about the abundance of the dog hair, though because what I get in return is so much sweeter than any amount of perceived filth the carpeting of dog hair might bring. I mean, someday the source of it all will be gone and I'll WISH I still had dog hair clinging to every surface.

Don't ask me why I'm thinking like that. I just...I see the age appearing on her face and even though she often still act like a puppy, I know someday it's coming. I pray it's not for a loooooong time. But still...it enters my mind a lot, to enjoy every aspect of life with Libby.

Meanwhile, she thinks I put marshmallows in my hot chocolate solely to feed them to her!

Also, why do cherries cost eleventy billion dollars??? And I'm only exaggerating a little bit. When the cashier rang them up she looked at me all wide-eyed and crazy and asked me if I was sure I wanted them. $7 for a pound. Yes, I done lost my mind paying that much. But they are sooooo good.

I spent all day at home yesterday. I'm kind of at a weird place in my church life. I'm totally fine and good and solid with my faith. In fact, I feel closer to God these days than I have in a long time. It's just the whole church situation that I'm struggling with. When I first left my former church earlier this year, I was scared and little excited at the all the possibilities of finding a fresh start somewhere without the influence of my family. I tried a handful of churches and the excitement faded. I just don't really feel at home anywhere. I have gone back and forth between two churches for a while now but neither of them really feel like a perfect fit.

But maybe it isn't the churches. It could quite possibly just be a me thing. As in, I've just never been at home anywhere. I don't fit in anywhere and socializing and trying to fit in is super hard for me. And yet, at the same time, I was raised to believe that regular church attendance is a requirement for keeping a relationship with God. My mom is a firm believer in being in church every Sunday or whenever the church doors are open. I've always been a little less excited about church. I know it's great for many things...laying down the foundation for one's relationship with Christ being a huge part of it. Learning, growing and fellowshipping with other Christians being other large parts of it. And there have been many times when I walked out after a sermon with a completely fresh and energized lease on things so I'm not saying I don't EVER get anything out of going to church. I just...I don't know. I'm just struggling.

 

In the interest of being 100% honest, both with myself and with you, I'm actually struggling with any situation that pulls me out of my house and into the world. I don't really like the world much anymore. Not that I haven't always been a homebody because I have, but lately the very idea of leaving the solitude of my home makes me want to cry a little. I mean, more often than not, I go ahead and leave to go wherever it is I need to go--I mean, I have to work to pay my mortage, but I hate it. And Sundays are an easy out. I struggle internally with the guilt of not going but for the past two weeks, at least, my need to stay at home has won out over my guilt in not going to church. And I'm not sure how I really feel about that.

 

Anyway, I guess I'm just in a weird mental place right now. Which is probably why I lopped off all my  hair which...I REGRET now. Never cut your hair when you're feeling depressed and out of sorts. Kind of like they say to never make any major life decisions (like hair cuts) when you're pregnant. Which I'm not, by the way. Unless round two of immaculate conception going on here. (TMI?)