Reshaping the Broken Pieces
I don't think anyone has ever really known just how dark and lonely and utterly broken I've felt throughout my life. I slap on a happy smile, toss out a quick joke and occasionally get in a bad mood but I've never talked to anyone about the darkness or the just how unloved and unlovable I have felt throughout my life. Partly because I was ashamed that I felt that way. I didn't want anyone to ever know just how badly I wanted a husband or just how broken hearted I was that I didn't have that baby and that perfect family life I wanted. I didn't want anyone to ever realize how truly alone I felt or how hard it was to be happy for everyone else. I faked my way through a lot of events and a lot of just everyday life because I didn't want anyone's pity. I needed that brave face, that tough single girl attitude, the "I don't need no man" façade because it protected me.
No one knows how many nights I sat alone in my bed and sobbed out my heart's desires to God. How many times I laughed off people's jokes about my spinsterhood and then went home and ate an entire package of tear soaked Oreos. Or how often I begged and pleaded with God to make me thinner, smarter, prettier so that someone could love me. How often I sat staring blankly at a book or television wondering what was so wrong with me that I couldn't have what everyone else seemed to find so effortlessly. Wondering how women larger, poorer or less fun than me seemed to never to long without a boyfriend. What was wrong with me? Why didn't anyone find me worthy?
Y'all. I'm sitting here typing this about to cry because I still remember how broken and unlovable I felt. Not gonna lie--I still randomly ache for what I never had and what I believe I will never have. But the whole story is this...
Every time I sat alone and cried, pouring out all the ways I felt completely worthless and alone, He was there, quietly listening to my broken hearted confessions. Every time. And what I didn't realize then was that He wasn't just listening, He was quietly picking up all that brokenness, piece by piece and reshaping it into something new. He was taking all those tears and all that loneliness and forging them into the tools I needed to find the contentment and that joy that I so desperately longed for. The more I poured it out to Him, the stronger I became. And looking back, I can see how my attitude changed ever-so-slowly. He didn't change or fix my circumstances, but He changed and fixed me and how I coped with those longings and He healed all the broken places. The ache is still there, yes, but I can deal with it now. It no longer rules me or my emotions and even though I still feel it, I also have a better understanding of who I am and maybe why marriage, children and romantic love is not meant for me. And I'm at peace with it. I am content.
Two things got me to thinking about all that--well, three, actually. Valentine's Day, of course, is upon us and every meme on social media is either about romance or bitterness and I really feel sad to think that those are our only two socially acceptable options when it comes to this Hallmark and Chocolate invented holiday.
Another thing that got me to thinking about it was a short conversation I had with Mama on the way home from work yesterday. She asked me if I was going to do anything special for myself for V-Day and I said no, that I really didn't care. And I don't. My feelings about Valentine's Day are ambivalent. I'm not bitter or frustrated that I don't have anyone to share it with. It is just another day in a string of days. I made treats for the kids because I know they enjoy them and I'm making a couple of things for my dad because I know he loves them but as for me and myself? I'm cool. When I added that I was so thankful that I didn't care about it anymore she asked me incredulously, "Have you ever?" and it dawned on me that my own mother has never known or realized what an emotional wreck I was. I was THAT GOOD at faking my indifference all those years. At this point in my life, I didn't see the point of confession so I just shrugged it off as "Oh, in my 20's." and we both laughed.
Then last night, Emmy and I were texting for a little bit about some trouble she's having with her best friend. Or, former best friend, I should say. Long story short, Emmy has a new boyfriend, her friend is seriously jealous and has turned on Emmy in a big way and Emmy is just heartbroken about it. And as I was texting with her the best and only advice I could give her was to do what I had done with my brokenness...Take it to God. Pour it all out there and let Him take it. I prayed that it didn't sound trite, though I can imagine a 16-year-old rolling her eyes at that advice. Believe it or not, there was a time in my life when I didn't really get what "pouring it all out to God" meant, either, and hated getting that advice. Even as Christians, sometimes we don't quite grasp that notion and it feels like useless advice. We want immediate solutions. But there is no immediate solution for a broken heart of any kind. I made sure she knew that I was speaking from my own heart and my own experience.
I've been a Christian for most of my life but for a long time I really didn't fully understand everything that that meant. When I was younger, my relationship with God was not all that solid. I believed in His existence and I followed His rules as best I could but I didn't spend time with Him because I didn't know what the meant. I couldn't grasp how a person could spend time with someone they couldn't see, touch or physically hear. The idea of an all knowing, all seeing God felt so distant and I didn't realize that He wasn't just sitting up in the sky staring down at the world to make sure we were behaving.
It wasn't until my 20's that I began to get an inkling of what He was really all about. But I still didn't really know what it meant to have a relationship with Him. I prayed off and on. God please make this month's money last so I can eat. God please send me someone to save me from this poverty. God, I want a husband. God please give me a better home. God make me thin. God make me beautiful.
Basically, my spiritual life was that of a beggar standing at God's door looking for a hand-out. A child waiting impatiently for daddy to fix everything.
Looking back, though, I can see how my relationship with Him has grown and changed from that beggar child and how solid He feels in my life now. He no longer seems so far away. And though I can't see Him, I've learned to be able to hear Him. Unfortunately, I still don't always listen, but that's on me and He and I have talked about that, too.
I can't regret all those years of brokenness or how long it took me to truly form a relationship with God because it was a journey I had to go on. It's a journey I still have to go on because I'm not done and neither is He. Even during the work/life struggles I'm facing now, though it is frustrating and often feels hopeless, I can feel Him working on me, forging me in this fire. I don't know what the finished product will look like but I'm looking forward to the day I can look back on this period of my life and say, "There. That's when everything changed and I became this person I am now and I am content." But right now, He's picking up all this hopelessness and frustration and reshaping it into the tools I need to find contentment and rediscover my joy.
My prayer is that Emmy's journey leads her down the path toward finding that solid relationship with Him. She's at that tender age when she could very easily veer away. She's had a rough year or so, too. Finding and losing relationships and friendships. Being without her dad a lot while he's away for work. School life pressures. As adults, we often forget how hard it is to be a teen dealing with adult-like struggles without all the maturity and life experiences to get you through to the other side.
I have faith--faith in God that He will restore her brokenness and faith in Emmy that she with give it to Him and let Him put it all back together.
No one knows how many nights I sat alone in my bed and sobbed out my heart's desires to God. How many times I laughed off people's jokes about my spinsterhood and then went home and ate an entire package of tear soaked Oreos. Or how often I begged and pleaded with God to make me thinner, smarter, prettier so that someone could love me. How often I sat staring blankly at a book or television wondering what was so wrong with me that I couldn't have what everyone else seemed to find so effortlessly. Wondering how women larger, poorer or less fun than me seemed to never to long without a boyfriend. What was wrong with me? Why didn't anyone find me worthy?
Y'all. I'm sitting here typing this about to cry because I still remember how broken and unlovable I felt. Not gonna lie--I still randomly ache for what I never had and what I believe I will never have. But the whole story is this...
Every time I sat alone and cried, pouring out all the ways I felt completely worthless and alone, He was there, quietly listening to my broken hearted confessions. Every time. And what I didn't realize then was that He wasn't just listening, He was quietly picking up all that brokenness, piece by piece and reshaping it into something new. He was taking all those tears and all that loneliness and forging them into the tools I needed to find the contentment and that joy that I so desperately longed for. The more I poured it out to Him, the stronger I became. And looking back, I can see how my attitude changed ever-so-slowly. He didn't change or fix my circumstances, but He changed and fixed me and how I coped with those longings and He healed all the broken places. The ache is still there, yes, but I can deal with it now. It no longer rules me or my emotions and even though I still feel it, I also have a better understanding of who I am and maybe why marriage, children and romantic love is not meant for me. And I'm at peace with it. I am content.
Two things got me to thinking about all that--well, three, actually. Valentine's Day, of course, is upon us and every meme on social media is either about romance or bitterness and I really feel sad to think that those are our only two socially acceptable options when it comes to this Hallmark and Chocolate invented holiday.
Another thing that got me to thinking about it was a short conversation I had with Mama on the way home from work yesterday. She asked me if I was going to do anything special for myself for V-Day and I said no, that I really didn't care. And I don't. My feelings about Valentine's Day are ambivalent. I'm not bitter or frustrated that I don't have anyone to share it with. It is just another day in a string of days. I made treats for the kids because I know they enjoy them and I'm making a couple of things for my dad because I know he loves them but as for me and myself? I'm cool. When I added that I was so thankful that I didn't care about it anymore she asked me incredulously, "Have you ever?" and it dawned on me that my own mother has never known or realized what an emotional wreck I was. I was THAT GOOD at faking my indifference all those years. At this point in my life, I didn't see the point of confession so I just shrugged it off as "Oh, in my 20's." and we both laughed.
Then last night, Emmy and I were texting for a little bit about some trouble she's having with her best friend. Or, former best friend, I should say. Long story short, Emmy has a new boyfriend, her friend is seriously jealous and has turned on Emmy in a big way and Emmy is just heartbroken about it. And as I was texting with her the best and only advice I could give her was to do what I had done with my brokenness...Take it to God. Pour it all out there and let Him take it. I prayed that it didn't sound trite, though I can imagine a 16-year-old rolling her eyes at that advice. Believe it or not, there was a time in my life when I didn't really get what "pouring it all out to God" meant, either, and hated getting that advice. Even as Christians, sometimes we don't quite grasp that notion and it feels like useless advice. We want immediate solutions. But there is no immediate solution for a broken heart of any kind. I made sure she knew that I was speaking from my own heart and my own experience.
I've been a Christian for most of my life but for a long time I really didn't fully understand everything that that meant. When I was younger, my relationship with God was not all that solid. I believed in His existence and I followed His rules as best I could but I didn't spend time with Him because I didn't know what the meant. I couldn't grasp how a person could spend time with someone they couldn't see, touch or physically hear. The idea of an all knowing, all seeing God felt so distant and I didn't realize that He wasn't just sitting up in the sky staring down at the world to make sure we were behaving.
It wasn't until my 20's that I began to get an inkling of what He was really all about. But I still didn't really know what it meant to have a relationship with Him. I prayed off and on. God please make this month's money last so I can eat. God please send me someone to save me from this poverty. God, I want a husband. God please give me a better home. God make me thin. God make me beautiful.
Basically, my spiritual life was that of a beggar standing at God's door looking for a hand-out. A child waiting impatiently for daddy to fix everything.
Looking back, though, I can see how my relationship with Him has grown and changed from that beggar child and how solid He feels in my life now. He no longer seems so far away. And though I can't see Him, I've learned to be able to hear Him. Unfortunately, I still don't always listen, but that's on me and He and I have talked about that, too.
I can't regret all those years of brokenness or how long it took me to truly form a relationship with God because it was a journey I had to go on. It's a journey I still have to go on because I'm not done and neither is He. Even during the work/life struggles I'm facing now, though it is frustrating and often feels hopeless, I can feel Him working on me, forging me in this fire. I don't know what the finished product will look like but I'm looking forward to the day I can look back on this period of my life and say, "There. That's when everything changed and I became this person I am now and I am content." But right now, He's picking up all this hopelessness and frustration and reshaping it into the tools I need to find contentment and rediscover my joy.
My prayer is that Emmy's journey leads her down the path toward finding that solid relationship with Him. She's at that tender age when she could very easily veer away. She's had a rough year or so, too. Finding and losing relationships and friendships. Being without her dad a lot while he's away for work. School life pressures. As adults, we often forget how hard it is to be a teen dealing with adult-like struggles without all the maturity and life experiences to get you through to the other side.
I have faith--faith in God that He will restore her brokenness and faith in Emmy that she with give it to Him and let Him put it all back together.
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