One of Those Bloggers

It's officially official. I am one of those bloggers. You know the type. The ones who rarely ever post? That's me now. And I never thought I'd be that way. I loved blogging for the longest time. Even when I didn't really have much to say, I had a deep urge to share a thought or two every single day. Now, even when I have time--which I rarely do--I just don't have a whole lot I want to share. I no longer have the heart for it.

I can't really talk about work problems because, duh. I'd like to keep my job. And work problems seem to take up so much head space. And I've decided to stop posting photos of the kids due to a minor freak out I had last week when I checked my stats and one of the referral links was from a BDSM website. I've since discovered that it wasn't an actual link referral but more of a scam type referral. I researched the hell out of it to make sure nobody on a porn site was actually linking to my blog where all my precious babies are archived. But it still freaked me out enough that I'm considering deleting any and all posts containing photos of the kids.

And without those two things--work and babies--what else do I really have left to blog about? Libby, of course, is still a big part of my life and joy but there's only so many photos she will let me take before she tries to chew my face off. I've also lost my heart for writing. I no longer consider myself a writer because I don't write anymore. I haven't written anything more complex than a grocery list in so darn long. I no longer have story scenarios running through my head. I sit here and stare blankly at the computer screen thinking that there should be some kind of story there, but there never is. Which, I think, is part of my problem with not having any life stories to share. I just don't think like a writer much anymore. So I guess I'm just at a blogging crossroads where it's easier to just not say anything at all than try to force some nonsense just to say I'm blogging.

I do love going back and reminding myself of everywhere my life has taken me over the years. Over ten years of blogging about every thought, emotion and activity of my life is documented here. Predating digital cameras and iPhone photos. When Emmy was a  little bitty thing. It's all here and I love it and I hate that I'm not going to have a whole lot to look back on from the past several months.  I've tried forcing myself to keep up with the blog because of it. But it's just not working and I hate the guilt I feel.

I'm not taking the blog away. Or saying I'm quitting. Not that anyone would really care or miss it or whatever. I'm just saying I'm releasing myself from the guilt and working on finding that healthy mental space in my head where I'm happy enough with myself that I want to share myself here again.

Comments

Aunt B said…
I would certainly miss you, hon...but, I completely understand the feeling of not having it in you right now. I used to be a writer...I don't have it in me right now, either. We're still writers. It's still part of who we are. Don't feel guilty about it. If the urge comes back...fine. If not, that's fine, too. Your blog is not what defines you! I've truly loved being a spectator to your life through very many years...back to the eHarl days...I've laughed with you and cried with you. I've been here for the births of the little ones and had the honor of watching them growing up. And I thank you, Jana, for letting me in on all of that. Certainly, it's a very scary thought that the evil side of the internet could be looking in on your family, and I don't blame you at all for putting on the brakes. I'll still be here, checking your blog, and wishing you all the very best. If you would like to stay in touch via email, just say the word. Big hugs to you.
Thu Mar 17, 03:10:00 PM 2016
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