What the Heart Wants
I feel like I'm going crazy, y'all. I sense all these big changes coming as though all these small changes I've recently made in my life are preparing me for something major. I'm equal parts excited about it and terrified of it. Partly because I don't know exactly what's coming but also partly because I think I might have an inkling of what it is.
I almost hate to type this out loud because it makes me feel really vulnerable to say...especially since I'm likely ten shades of wrong, but...I think my heart is starting to wake up and remind me that it's still in there and maybe wants a little bit more than the spinster hermit life I've made for myself. And perhaps, just maybe, God is preparing me for a relationship.
Ugh.
I feel pathetic just even thinking about it.
I gave up that ghost ten years ago, or so I thought. I bought my house. I had my Libs. I'm really good at taking care of myself. I have a great support system of friends and family. I have my faith. I figured God has called me to remain single. I absorbed an entire message at church about that very topic all those years ago and decide then and there that I would be content with that. I don't neeeeeed a man to complete me.
Ah, but the heart...my heart, I suppose, has never really given up on that. Which makes me sad because what if what my heart wants is forever to be at odds with what God wants? What if the big change He's preparing me for has nothing to do with romantic love and more to do with exploring my independence and getting out of my hermit mode and into the world...but alone? Can I really ever just MAKE my heart shut up and sit down forever? Or will I forever live in misery...living God's will, but sad? Would He really do that to me?
I don't think He would. That's why I'm praying that whatever is coming, whatever/whoever it includes or doesn't include, that He give my heart contentment. That He release me from wanting something that for whatever reason, is not in His will for me to have.
On the flip side, throughout this whole "what my heart wants" thing, my head is screaming to me that NO. We don't want this. The idea of sharing my life with someone other than a four legged furbaby is absolutely terrifying to me. Sharing space. Hiding parts of myself that someone else wouldn't understand or would think stupid. Giving myself and my freedom over to the whims of another person. Having to take someone else's needs into consideration.
There's also this fear that there IS no big change coming. Or, at least, no big HAPPY change and my life will forever be stuck in this current existence of hermitude (is that a word?) and introversion that has begun to feel so stifling. Even though I need some quiet in my existence, I find myself craving adventure, wanting to see and experience more of the world. Wanting to fall in love. Longing for something more than this solitary existence, stuck in a job that has no true reward, garners no real respect, and smothers my creativity into dust.
And yet, I have no clue how to jumpstart anything. How to go about seeking adventure when the idea of adventuring alone feels overwhelming and impossible. But finding someone to adventure WITH feels even more impossible.
At the end of the day, I'm just trying to be patient. I'm praying and seeking. I'm waiting on Him to reveal His plans to me. To direct my path. To continue changing me until I'm fully prepared for whatever which way He leads me and prepared for whoever He may or may not also be preparing to go with me.
I almost hate to type this out loud because it makes me feel really vulnerable to say...especially since I'm likely ten shades of wrong, but...I think my heart is starting to wake up and remind me that it's still in there and maybe wants a little bit more than the spinster hermit life I've made for myself. And perhaps, just maybe, God is preparing me for a relationship.
Ugh.
I feel pathetic just even thinking about it.
I gave up that ghost ten years ago, or so I thought. I bought my house. I had my Libs. I'm really good at taking care of myself. I have a great support system of friends and family. I have my faith. I figured God has called me to remain single. I absorbed an entire message at church about that very topic all those years ago and decide then and there that I would be content with that. I don't neeeeeed a man to complete me.
Ah, but the heart...my heart, I suppose, has never really given up on that. Which makes me sad because what if what my heart wants is forever to be at odds with what God wants? What if the big change He's preparing me for has nothing to do with romantic love and more to do with exploring my independence and getting out of my hermit mode and into the world...but alone? Can I really ever just MAKE my heart shut up and sit down forever? Or will I forever live in misery...living God's will, but sad? Would He really do that to me?
I don't think He would. That's why I'm praying that whatever is coming, whatever/whoever it includes or doesn't include, that He give my heart contentment. That He release me from wanting something that for whatever reason, is not in His will for me to have.
On the flip side, throughout this whole "what my heart wants" thing, my head is screaming to me that NO. We don't want this. The idea of sharing my life with someone other than a four legged furbaby is absolutely terrifying to me. Sharing space. Hiding parts of myself that someone else wouldn't understand or would think stupid. Giving myself and my freedom over to the whims of another person. Having to take someone else's needs into consideration.
There's also this fear that there IS no big change coming. Or, at least, no big HAPPY change and my life will forever be stuck in this current existence of hermitude (is that a word?) and introversion that has begun to feel so stifling. Even though I need some quiet in my existence, I find myself craving adventure, wanting to see and experience more of the world. Wanting to fall in love. Longing for something more than this solitary existence, stuck in a job that has no true reward, garners no real respect, and smothers my creativity into dust.
And yet, I have no clue how to jumpstart anything. How to go about seeking adventure when the idea of adventuring alone feels overwhelming and impossible. But finding someone to adventure WITH feels even more impossible.
At the end of the day, I'm just trying to be patient. I'm praying and seeking. I'm waiting on Him to reveal His plans to me. To direct my path. To continue changing me until I'm fully prepared for whatever which way He leads me and prepared for whoever He may or may not also be preparing to go with me.
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