Newsflash!!
I am writing again! Hallelujah!
Y'all, I know you prolly don't remember, but I used to be a writer. I was so sure that I'd be a published writer that I even chose the pseudonym I'd used for publication and used it for this blog address. Once upon a time I was consumed with writing. I had a muse whispering over my shoulder and characters living in my head. At one time, I had a clear career path and dreams and called myself a writer, even though I wasn't a published author.
And then life happened. Depression happened. Complete and utter distraction happened. I lost my muse. The characters went away. My dreams died under the weight of self-doubt, overwhelm, and complete loss of any will to create.
I stopped writing in this blog. I stopped writing fiction. Hell, I stopped READING fiction. I lost all sense of my dreams to the point where when asked, I said I didn't have any dreams. I got so lost and bogged down by external circumstances that I just lost all sense of myself. Greater still, I lost my voice.
I barely recognize the woman who wrote on this blog five or six years ago. She was immature, maybe. Enthusiastic, sure. And I miss her. I don't ever want to BE her again, though, because that woman was struggling in other ways but I do miss how much she knew what she wanted.
Never mind the past five years. Those are gone. A lesson learned. A fire I had to walk through. I've grown up a lot over the past five years. I had to. And as hard, heartbreaking, sad, and lonely as those years were, they brought me to this new path...this new love...this new chapter.
Y'all, God has been really loud in my life for a while now. He's been convicting me of a lot of sins and behaviors that I'd let myself sink to. There for a few weeks, it was brutal. Let me tell you...when God convicts you of your sinful behavior, He doesn't mess around. And I know some folks reading this might not believe in God or maybe you think I'm being hokey or whatever, but I can't fathom how what I've experienced in recent weeks/months could be anything other than a total God overhaul.
I'm still not perfect and never will be, but the fact that I recognize my behavior and am working on it is nothing short of miraculous. For the first time in, well, maybe ever, I'm experiencing a real, brutally honest, soul quenching relationship with Christ. For the first time in, maybe ever, I've developed a dedicated Bible study and prayer time routine. And when I say Bible study, I mean, letting God guide me in His Word. And when I say "prayer time" I mean an honest, no holds barred, pour your heart out and declare yourself to Jesus conversation. And I feel stronger, happier, and more at peace than I ever have.
And you know, He's answered a lot of those prayers. Some with a no, but so many of them with a "yes, child." And to be clear, the "requests" I'm making aren't about money or things. We're talking begging God to keep my mouth shut and my soul clear of drama. We're talking, giving Jesus free reign over some tough decisions and difficult situations. And He has been plainly felt in each instant. I feel Him so strongly that my soul feels utter relief.
I've been a Christian for a long time, and my relationship with God has ebbed and flowed over the years. I'm sure most Christians can say the same. Sometimes I've wandered so far from Him that I almost lost sight of him. But y'all, I know He is the only way I was able to survive the past five years. If you knew how dark things got for a while, you'd be utterly shocked. And I've fought Him. Hard and often. I have had a lot of "Yes, but" conversations with Him. And I still struggle with that but it feels different. I'm better able to catch myself when I get in that "yes, but" frame of mind. I likely will go through struggles again. But in this moment, I feel closer to Him than I have in a LONG time, maybe ever.
And so He has released my muse. (Yes, I know muses are mythological character, but I use it as a way of saying he's released my creativity.) He's returned those characters to my head and they have wondered in a direction I never would have ever expected them to go. Will this story I'm writing right now ever get published? I doubt it. It's the "ten years later" for a portion of the serialized story I wrote for back when I collaborated over on Harlequin's community boards in the now defunct and removed Drifters' Bar thread. There was one couple in that story who's love story needs to be finished. And I'm excited to see where it's going. More than that, I'm excited that I am writing again. Good or bad writing, I don't know. I don't really care. I am just happy that I'm finally putting words to "paper" again.
Thank you, God, for all your tender mercies. I raise a Hallelujah!
Y'all, I know you prolly don't remember, but I used to be a writer. I was so sure that I'd be a published writer that I even chose the pseudonym I'd used for publication and used it for this blog address. Once upon a time I was consumed with writing. I had a muse whispering over my shoulder and characters living in my head. At one time, I had a clear career path and dreams and called myself a writer, even though I wasn't a published author.
And then life happened. Depression happened. Complete and utter distraction happened. I lost my muse. The characters went away. My dreams died under the weight of self-doubt, overwhelm, and complete loss of any will to create.
I stopped writing in this blog. I stopped writing fiction. Hell, I stopped READING fiction. I lost all sense of my dreams to the point where when asked, I said I didn't have any dreams. I got so lost and bogged down by external circumstances that I just lost all sense of myself. Greater still, I lost my voice.
I barely recognize the woman who wrote on this blog five or six years ago. She was immature, maybe. Enthusiastic, sure. And I miss her. I don't ever want to BE her again, though, because that woman was struggling in other ways but I do miss how much she knew what she wanted.
Never mind the past five years. Those are gone. A lesson learned. A fire I had to walk through. I've grown up a lot over the past five years. I had to. And as hard, heartbreaking, sad, and lonely as those years were, they brought me to this new path...this new love...this new chapter.
Y'all, God has been really loud in my life for a while now. He's been convicting me of a lot of sins and behaviors that I'd let myself sink to. There for a few weeks, it was brutal. Let me tell you...when God convicts you of your sinful behavior, He doesn't mess around. And I know some folks reading this might not believe in God or maybe you think I'm being hokey or whatever, but I can't fathom how what I've experienced in recent weeks/months could be anything other than a total God overhaul.
I'm still not perfect and never will be, but the fact that I recognize my behavior and am working on it is nothing short of miraculous. For the first time in, well, maybe ever, I'm experiencing a real, brutally honest, soul quenching relationship with Christ. For the first time in, maybe ever, I've developed a dedicated Bible study and prayer time routine. And when I say Bible study, I mean, letting God guide me in His Word. And when I say "prayer time" I mean an honest, no holds barred, pour your heart out and declare yourself to Jesus conversation. And I feel stronger, happier, and more at peace than I ever have.
And you know, He's answered a lot of those prayers. Some with a no, but so many of them with a "yes, child." And to be clear, the "requests" I'm making aren't about money or things. We're talking begging God to keep my mouth shut and my soul clear of drama. We're talking, giving Jesus free reign over some tough decisions and difficult situations. And He has been plainly felt in each instant. I feel Him so strongly that my soul feels utter relief.
I've been a Christian for a long time, and my relationship with God has ebbed and flowed over the years. I'm sure most Christians can say the same. Sometimes I've wandered so far from Him that I almost lost sight of him. But y'all, I know He is the only way I was able to survive the past five years. If you knew how dark things got for a while, you'd be utterly shocked. And I've fought Him. Hard and often. I have had a lot of "Yes, but" conversations with Him. And I still struggle with that but it feels different. I'm better able to catch myself when I get in that "yes, but" frame of mind. I likely will go through struggles again. But in this moment, I feel closer to Him than I have in a LONG time, maybe ever.
And so He has released my muse. (Yes, I know muses are mythological character, but I use it as a way of saying he's released my creativity.) He's returned those characters to my head and they have wondered in a direction I never would have ever expected them to go. Will this story I'm writing right now ever get published? I doubt it. It's the "ten years later" for a portion of the serialized story I wrote for back when I collaborated over on Harlequin's community boards in the now defunct and removed Drifters' Bar thread. There was one couple in that story who's love story needs to be finished. And I'm excited to see where it's going. More than that, I'm excited that I am writing again. Good or bad writing, I don't know. I don't really care. I am just happy that I'm finally putting words to "paper" again.
Thank you, God, for all your tender mercies. I raise a Hallelujah!
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Aunt B