Hard lessons

 One thing I never really considered before my parents both died was that apparently, my only tie to any of the rest of their families was them and once those ties were gone so was my tie to everyone I ever thought I could count on. 

I grew up with strong family ties. Every holiday spent with both sides. Mama had four brothers and two sisters. I have 20 cousins on that side. My dad had one sister, two aunts, and I have three cousins and five cousins, once removed on that Daddy's side. I spent every Christmas, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, Easter, birthday, milestone event, etc. with these people. I thought we were all pretty solid. 

But after Mama died, we pretty much stopped hearing from anyone on her side. Even the two aunts we'd always thought of as second mothers. I think I heard from one aunt twice in two years before Daddy got sick and another aunt a handful of times. One uncle once. But other than that? Crickets. 

Right after Daddy died his sister checked in on us a handful of times for the first month or two but then on the Fourth of July it was like he'd been erased and while, yes, we were technically there, we felt like intruders. Nobody mentioned his absence. The birthday cake that in the past had him included along with my aunt and Granny, he'd been replaced by my uncle on the cake and NOBODY mentioned that it was weird that he wasn't there. 

I do have one great aunt who texts us every morning and has sworn up and down that she's here for us if we need her and she loves us and all that jazz...even she has let us down. 

My mom's oldest sister's husband was in the hospital for weeks, had his colon removed and is apparently taking chemo and not ONE PERSON told us anything about it. Sis1 found out by accident when they accidently used the group thread that she was included on a couple of years ago instead of the siblings only group tread. And when she texted my aunt to check in, Aunt L. brushed her off like whatever.

Mama's youngest brother's wife was rushed to the university hospital in Jackson a few weeks ago and we weren't told until they thought she was about to die. And we were updated as long as they needed the prayers but once she was out of the woods all communication and updates ceased. I found out on Facebook when she came home. And you might ask, why didn't I check in to see how she was? and you're absolutely, right. I could have. The phones work both ways. But also, I know how frustrating it is to be at the hospital so I was trying not to bother anyone so that they could focus on her. 

And just now, today, Granny called me to ask me to pick up some meds for her and Oh, by the way, Aunt G. has been in the hospital for a couple days. Aunt G is my great aunt who adopted my dad's dog, Chrissy after Daddy passed. She lives right next door to the great aunt who texts me good morning every day and Aunt L never said a thing. I'm assuming she's taking care of Chrissy and she never said a word about Aunt G. My dad's sister is the one who took Aunt G to the hospital and stayed with her last night and she never texted and said a word. Granny might not have said anything either had she not needed my help getting her meds. My aunt was supposed to take her to town today to get some groceries and her meds but since she's staying with Aunt G, granny needed someone else so she called me. Which if fine. I don't mind helping Granny but I can't help but wonder if that's the only reason she felt compelled to mention anything to me about Aunt G. 

I texted my sisters to let them know and we agreed that it really does feel like we've been evicted from active membership to our extended families. Without our parents linking us to them they've let the tether go and we are just out here on our own. And that's a lonely place to be after having had a big family your whole life. 

I know I'm grown and I could do my part to foster those relationships but at the same time the grieving person shouldn't have to be the one to keep those relationships alive, right? And yeah, they lost their sibling but we lost our PARENTS. And besides that, I'm just a baby. I'm the child in the scenario, even at nearly 45-years-old. Like, I know Mama would be so sad if she knew her sisters had abandoned us. She and her sisters were always so close. The uncles, eh. They're men. They don't think about that stuff. But her sisters? Our aunts who practically helped her raise us? Yeah. She'd be so sad and upset. And Daddy would be furious if he knew nobody had let us know about Aunt G right away. 

If not for Granny, I don't think I'd even bother going to the family Thanksgiving or Christmas. But Granny being 90-years-old, I don't want to risk not spending the holidays with her in case, God forbid, she die anytime soon. I know my Granny hasn't cut us out or cut ties she just has it in her head that she doesn't want to bother us because we're busy, etc. 

Anyway, of all the lessons I've learned in this grief journey, that's been one of the least expected and hardest ones. It's devastating to not only lose your parents but also nearly everyone who came with them. Whether that loss be by their conscious choice or a passive one because they simply don't think about us.  Both scenarios truly hurt.