2024--The End of the Year of Firsts

Well, we made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year. We had an ok Thanksgiving at my Granny's house with the extended family on my dad's side and then my sisters and I cooked up a big Thanksgiving meal at my parents' house the day after. Sis1 and Emmy came and stayed most of the weekend. While we were up there, we also decorated the house for Christmas because we knew we wanted to have Christmas morning there, as well. 

Sis1 and Emmy came the day before Christmas Eve and we went to breakfast Christmas Eve morning to carry on the tradition Daddy and I had had for the past 13 years or so. It was a tradition Daddy used to have with my Paw-Paw Joe until Paw-Paw died and then Daddy picked up the tradition with me so we had to carry it on. I missed having him there, though. He, like me, LOVED breakfast food. He always got the hungry man platter with pancakes and bacon and eggs. His eyes would light up like a kid's when they'd set that giant pancake down in front of him and he'd spend a good five minutes or so cutting it just the way he liked it and getting just the right amount of butter and syrup on it. And he'd make fun of me for doctoring up my coffee with cream and sugar and tell me how good my biscuit and gravy looked. I'm so thankful to have all those wonderful years of memories with him and grateful to have my sister and niece be willing to make new memories with me so that I'm not quite so lonely without him.

Christmas morning all of us were at what we've started calling "the homestead" and we made pancakes, waffles, cinnamon rolls, bacon, and sausage. We also made mimosas and took our time eating and drinking and opening presents together. It was not the same without our parents, but it was good. I think they would have been proud of us. And we did have Christmas lunch at my granny's house with the extended family, too.

But it was hard. The whole holiday season. I did my best to not let it all fall through the cracks, but my heart just wasn't in it. I decorated my house and put up my tree but it all looked so empty without Libby there. Milo was not fond of all my busy-ness so I took my time and sat with him in between decorating sessions. Libby was used to my nonsense, and she always napped through it and then would wake up and go check things out. She always seemed so enthralled with the tree. I have so many pictures over the years of her posing in front of it with no prompting from me. I was as though she always knew it was a special event. Milo couldn't have cared less. He just wanted me in the recliner with him.

I spent New Year's Eve and New Year's Day alone with Milo. I think I may have cooked a steak one of those days but to be honest, I don't really remember too much about it. I think I mostly slept through those two days.

And so, it's a new year...nearly Valentine's Day. We've had our first ice storm of the year and I got to miss having him come check on me. I'll soon miss having him leave me a box of chocolates on my kitchen counter for V-day and then he'll miss my birthday. And then comes Easter, with all its traumatic memories from last year. It was Easter Sunday when he was airlifted to Birmingham, and I can still picture it all so clearly. 

I feel the tension of it all creeping through me like a stealth laser of underlying grief. The dread sitting in the pit of my stomach as we approach the last of the year of firsts. Thankfully, I have more tools in my arsenal now to help me deal better with the big emotions. I started antidepressants back in the fall and they are finally really helping me get a better handle on things. I still grieve. I still cry. But I am better able to deal with it all. Everything isn't quite so dark, anymore, and all the dark, heavy thoughts I struggled through earlier in the year are a lot less dark and a lot less heavy. Now when I wake up in the middle of the night replaying last Spring over and over I can take a deep breath and redirect my thoughts so as not to dwell on it and work myself into misery.

I don't know what this year holds. There is so much ill health in my extended family right now. One uncle battling cancer. One great aunt trying to figure out why she isn't producing enough blood. Another great aunt battling Hashimoto's disease that keeps her down off and on. Sis2 with her back, hip, foot, and heart problems. I know there's so much potential for more heartache on the horizon but I try not to think about it too much and instead I pray that whatever this year holds I have the strength to get through it and be strong enough to help others get through it, as well.