CAUTION: Woman In Progress

Right now I feel like I'll just never see the daylight of pure joy again. I know it's been over a year. I know I need to shake loose and someday I will. Right now, though...everything just feels so overwhelming. Before Mama passed I never really gave death too much thought. I never really considered all that I have to lose. I'd lost grandpas and an uncle before, so it's not as though I didn't have a concept of loss. And believe me, I loved those grandpas and that uncle deeply but the loss wasn't such a dramatically monumental shift. They weren't part of my daily life. They didn't shape me to my core. Losing Mama and the constancy of her in my life ripped my heart to shreds. But more than that, as I've settled into the grief it's instilled this terrible fear in me. I literally live in fear of losing my dad. Of losing Libby. Of losing my sisters. Or my nieces.  Every time my dad doesn't answer a text right away or doesn't come to the door b...

So turns out, the test I took last Thursday was a false negative. On a whim I got retested the following day at a free drive-thru they were doing on campus. It, my friends, was positive. Something I found out while I was sitting in my dad's living room Saturday morning after I'd brought his groceries and breakfast. To say that I was a complete wreck is putting it mildly. My dad is fully vaxxed and boosted but I was terrified. What if his Leukemia meds affected the efficacy of the vaccine? What if he died? I'd be responsible. I spiraled  hard . He didn't seem concerned at all. He was more worried about me and making sure that I was okay. I never got sick, y'all. Just a little sinus drainage at the back of my throat and ONE DAY of a runnier than usual nose. That's why I trusted that negative test! If WBF (work best friend) hadn't wanted me to go with her to get tested at that drive-thru test cite I'd have never known I had it.  Daddy is fine, btw. He isola...

 So I went yesterday for my first ever Covid test. Don't worry, it was negative. This Omicron crap ain't playing, though. So many people around me have had in the past couple weeks it's amazing that I haven't caught it yet.  I got a little concerned, though, when my nose was a little runnier than usual and my throat was a little scratchy. It felt like sinus drainage but Omicron, they say, mimics common cold and sinus issues. I tried SO MANY places to find a convenient test and ended up at urgent care and waited for nearly five hours.  When the nurse finally took me to the back she had to do the whole "family history" routine because you apparently don't just get tested and go about your way. They give you a whole office visit with vitals, family history, the full nine yards. When she was going through the family  history questions she asked, "Does your mom have a history of ____" and I stared blankly at her for heartbeat, a little stunned. I didn...

We survived our first Christmas without Mama. It was both beautiful and devastating. And now a new year is here and while it's still so hard figuring out life right now, I'm seeing some light in the darkness.

Before Mama retired, we used to have lunch together in the staff lounge nearly every day. For some reason it always seemed to take her longer to heat her lunch up than it did me so, more often than not, I'd typically be seated at the table before her. She had this habit of kinda strumming her finger tips on the top of my head or along my back as she passed behind me. It used to kinda low key bug me because I'm not much of a "casual toucher", if that makes any sense. But just now, as I walked past an empty chair I strummed my fingertips along the top of it's back--no real thought to it, just a mindless little motion in a day filled with mindless nonsense. The impact of that one simple act was like a kick in the gut. Suddenly the memories of all those times Mama did that to me flooded through my mind and I can't help but WISH she would do that to me one more time. That she was HERE to do that no matter how much it once annoyed me.  I feel sometimes as though my ...

The week before my mom passed away, my dad and I had ordered him a utility vehicle. Mama had been adamant that she wanted him to have one because of the deterioration of his knees. Typical of her that she was grappling with her own pain and illness and she was worried about him. So we ordered him one and it came in last week. As excited as  he was to get it, there's a tinge of sadness around it, too, that she didn't live to see him get it. She knew he had it ordered, though, so I suppose that comforted her enough. I've never really driven any sort of ATV's or UTV's. That was my middle sister's thing to do with Daddy when we were growing up. But Daddy wanted me to learn how to drive it in case he needed me to. So we took it out yesterday and I drove it through the hunting trails and while it wasn't nearly as scary as I had thought, it was very different from driving a car. The gas pedal takes some finessing and there's no power steering. In the course of ...

Mama passed peacefully at home, Friday, March 12, 2021 and we laid her to rest yesterday, Sunday, March 14, 2021. I will write more later.  Thank you for any and all prayers lifted up for her over the past year. 

Back in the 80's, kindergarten in my state wasn't mandatory. Instead, an assessment test was done to determine if kindergarten was necessary. If it wasn't, you could choose whether or not to send your kid to kindergarten. From what I recall of the test, it consisted of drawing a stick figure, reciting the alphabet, and counting to a certain number--I don't remember how high--all of which I could do. There may have been more to it that has slipped my memory over the years but whatever else was assessed, it was deemed unnecessary for me to attend kindergarten--or as they told my mom, I was too smart or Kindergarten. My mom chose to keep me at home.  My middle sister had started first grade that year which meant I had an entire year at home with my mom all to myself. Despite whatever of our relationship has been relayed here over the years, I was/am, indeed, a mama's baby. I loved being near my mother, often not wanting her out of my sight. Looking back, I'm pretty...

 I’m here sitting beside a hospital bed for the umpteenth time since March and I am sad. My mother, who I have had some strange ups and downs with over the years but who I love with all my heart, is lying in that bed waiting to have fluid drained from her abdomen for the fourth time since October.  She kicked the stomach cancer and almost immediately got laid flat by a tumor in her lower abdomen. She’s had three rounds of some powerful chemotherapy treatments and is wasting away before my very eyes. She is down to a skeletal 94lbs and is unsteady on her feet enough that she requires assistance whenever she gets up. When I look at her, I scarcely recognize her. She lies in her bed most of the time and stares at her deceased mother’s photo, wishing to be with her. She has random days of feeling well enough to sit in her recliner but those days are few and far between.  The chemo wipes her out for at least three days after and just as she’s getting over that, the fluid build...

So I’ve been beating myself up for my chocolate consumption the past couple of days, especially since I’d vowed  to go on a sugar break this week because my belly looks so bloated but then I made French toast for supper tonight and put chocolate sauce on it instead of syrup and after I ate it I was moaning about how bad my back hurt and I hate my life and how I’m going to gain all my weight back and then it hit me.  The last time I ate all the chocolate things and battled a back ache and bloating (and moaning)...I quickly checked my calendar and you (probably) guessed it! 28 days. Ugh.  Sometimes I really hate being a woman. 

So. I think I left off back in May with "The university will have news soon of phasing us back into working on campus." And, well, as of right now, I have been and will continue to work from home until at least August 2. There is a small chance that if I can ever get a particular medical form back from Mama's oncologist, I may be able to telework through the fall semester. Unfortunately, the university keeps changing it's thoughts on teleworking. At first they were like, "anyone who can telework should telework" then it was, well, fill out these forms and if your unit and HR approve it, you can telework. Now it's "you need a medical assessment form before it can be approved." Next week they may do away with it all together. Who knows! Whatever happens, though, I am forever thankful that I work for a university that has taken care of their employees. Any confusion is, I'm sure, the result of none of us knowing what to do during a world-wid...

Hey, y'all! If anyone is still checking this here blog (don't blame you if you're not--I certainly haven't been!) I thought I'd pop in and say "I'm alive and mostly well." Lots of news going down. Some of it virus related it. Most of it blessings within the current state of affairs in the world. Let's dig in! So, you already know that the novel coronavirus, Covid-19 started hitting the U.S in early March. I'd started hearing about it on the news in the latter part of February as a "if it makes it to the U. S., here's what might happen" situation.  To be honest, I didn't really take it all that serious. My naïve little mind just didn't think it would come here. At that point, I don't think the news from Italy had made it's way into my conscience so, you know, ignorance is bliss. Being me, I cracked a few social media jokes about stocking up on supplies (insert silly Instagram photo of the two giant Reese...

Don't get too excited. I haven't gotten married. And no, no babies in sight. No new dogs, either. Libby's still my soulmate. But I DO have a new job!!! I try not to talk about my job too much here because, you know, I need to keep it. But in case you weren't able to pick up on my subtle cues over the years, I had come to hate my previous job. Maybe hate is a strong word, but it feels right. I'm still at the library I've always worked at, just a new department, new position, new duties, new supervisor, etc. The safety of the familiar with the excitement of all new! I've been in the new job for nearly a month now and I must say, I'm REALLY enjoying it. There are a lot of benefits to this job that I didn't have at my old one, such as no public desk (no interaction with patrons!) no Saturday work, fewer bosses to deal with, clear job duties, fewer close co-workers (meaning, fewer personalities to deal with/cater to), I have a more private cubical...

I actually left my house early enough to get to work on time this morning but the alternate route I've been having to take is through my little home town where there is an active freight rail line and guess what. I got caught by the stinking train. So what is usually a four minute glide through town was a ten minute sit in my car and seethe while waiting for the long ass and extremely slow train to pass. Freight trains aren't actually all that fast. At least the one that passes through my hometown isn't. It's a slow, meandering, heavily graffitied line of boxes that creeps along the rails at a snail's pace. Even the whistle it emits as it approaches the intersection is slow. It's less of a "Choo-choo" and more of a "Choooooooooooooooo-chooooooooooooooo". It's just taking it's time cause, you know, it doesn't have to be at work at 7:20 to make sure the department is open for the throngs of patrons waiting to receive knowledge via...

I wrote more about this on my " Fat Girl " blog, but the visual still smacks me in the face. 2015 I was at my heaviest.  And while I have been plateaued for the past year, I have managed to maintain the 50lb weight loss. I stumbled across a photo I took on new year's day 2015 and it really stunned and humbled me to see the physical changes in just my face. What you don't see is the emotional, mental, and spiritual changes. The outside, here at least, does somewhat reflect the insides. So, Happy 2020! Here's to celebrating how far I've come and looking forward to all that awaits in this new year!

I'm back at work after TWO WHOLE WEEKS off for Christmas break. I took three days personal leave to round it out to the two full weeks, but it was soooooo worth it. I had a great break, y'all. Did the usual "baking day" with Sis2 and her kiddos. Went to see Frozen 2 and paint pottery. Took lots of naps. Ate lots of food. Went shopping. Got some really exciting news I can't quite share yet, but maybe one day next week. Had a really fun Christmas with my family and got some really thoughtful gifts. I DIDN'T cry or get depressed this year (I was too tired.) Did a lot of cooking and baking. Spent some quality time with Libby. Survived a tornado warning the Sunday after Christmas  that thankfully never touched down in my area. Watched a LOT of YouTube (my latest obsession). I didn't gain more than five pounds and actually have some Christmas treats left that I haven't eaten. All in all, it was a great, much needed break. Back to the grind today, thoug...

Dining room. Living room, over the couch. I've added more photos to it since this was taken. Living room tree and window. Living room entry. Nativity at the entry. I've got a piece here or there in bathrooms and such but for the most part, I'm done decorating. To be honest, I haven't got much Christmas spirit, yet. I haven't listened to much Christmas music. I've been almost entirely done with my Christmas shopping since late November. I got an early start on it in August. In fact, I had more Christmas spirit in August and September because I was watching Christmas DVD's and YouTube videos in an order to pull myself out of my summer related season affective disorder. It worked but now I'm just kinda meh about the holidays. Like, I've already celebrated. haha I'm sure I'll find some Christmas cheer before it's over. Winter break is just around the corner and as soon as I'm freed from work for a week or more ...

Thanksgiving was a lot of fun. We did the usual meal at Granny's. I wish I'd gotten a photo of her or with her but she wasn't feeling all that great and the day just kinda got away from us. Not to say that she was feeling bad, just, her knees were bothering her and she wasn't getting around all that great. She's actually in pretty great shape for 86. ;)  We did get some pics outside with the rest of the fam. Fortunately, there were still some fall colors going on.  Long time readers: Call y'all believe this is my Emmy? Ugh. She turned 20 earlier in November. TWENTY. No longer a teenager. She's officially a young adult. And what a beauty! Traditional sister picture. I haven't really talked about it here but we went through a rough patch in the middle of 2019. Believe it or not, even though we are all in our 40's now, we went through some growing pains. Sis1 has been slowing pulling away from the family because she has a new mission/purpose...

This was a chill weekend in the sense that I didn't really interact with anyone and barely left my house. What did I do, then? Well, Saturday I rearranged the furniture in my living room which lead to sweep up a massive (and gross) amount of dog hair since I don't usually move my entertainment console to sweep under it. Same with the couch/love seat, end table. Which also lead to dusting and mopping. AND THEN, I hated the new arrangement so I put it all back to where it was. Well, most of it. Maybe I'll post pics later. I was too tired to do pics Saturday. Yesterday I didn't go to church because I was exhausted from Saturday but I still had to go into town to return a DVD to Redbox. While in town, I stopped by Popeye's and FINALLY tried their magical chicken sandwich. haha Y'all, it was good but wait in the drive-thru for an hour good? Nah. Fortunately, all the hype has died down in my town. That's the only reason I stopped and got one. As for comparing ...

She snuggles against me and rests her head on my boob at least once every night. She'll often look up at me with those big brown eyes and it's like I can hear her telling me she loves me. She's why I get up every day. 💓